Murder affecting grandchild.

It's late now but there are Gransnetters who will be able to offer some advice if you return tomorrow, harbourlight. How very sad to hear such terrible news. Your grandchild needs to be told something that your family know he'll be able to cope with before it comes in an even more distressing way. Sometimes schools arrange for children to hear about such tragedies at a pre-arranged time, so it might be worth checking that out. There are support groups on the internet, too. Watch this space.

Thanks whenim64.

I've messaged a Gransnetter who I think could help, harbourlight

Victims advice group should be able to help. Or is it victims support. Try googling them. Your local police station should be able to help you!

Harbourlight, this is a most distressing situation. The Gransnetter with the specialist knowledge will be able to advise.

Some years ago there was similar tragedy in our community. The mother of the child was high on drugs and stabbed the father. She is serving a life sentence and the grandparents are bringing up the little girl. They found CAHMS to be extremely helpful. I know it's not the same situation, but there is help out there.

Good advice to contact the school and discuss how it will manage the inevitable distress amongst the children, especially with your little one.

I think it's best that you and your daughter (and other family members?) sit down and agree what you and going to say. Then your grandson will be hearing the same message from your family, and not getting conflicting and confusing versions.

While I haven't been in this situation (though I believe there is a GNetter who has) I lost a grandchild and we had to explain to his little cousin, his best friend, what had happened in a way that didn't frighten him. It's not just at the time these horrible things happen, but you can expect questions in years to come.

I would tend to go down the same route as Aka and deal with this as a family.

This is almost certainly going to feature in the media(and I suspect it has already) so apart from the excellent suggestions above it might be wise to be aware of timing of news programmes and also newspaper headlines etc. What a tragedy.

It was mentioned as being on the front page of the Mirror in a newspaper review on the radio.

You will have to decide together the best way to tell himin a sensitive way.
I would imagine, though, that the school will be offering counselling for any children who may want or need it as well.

You must all be very shocked, harbourlight42, it is very distressing. I do hope the children have caring relatives, they are going to need a lot of support for a long time.

How dreadful for you all. We read these stories in the newspapers and rarely think about the wider repercussions.

Harbourlight42 I'm sure your whole family is feeling shocked and horrified at what has happened.
At age eight your grandson is just capable of imagining what it's like to be another person and will probably be trying to understand these events from his friend's point of view, quite a frightening prospect for a small boy. This is also the age of the interminable 'why?' - eight/nine year olds want to know the reasons for things and can sense when they're being 'fobbed off' so mum needs to tell him the simple facts, emphasising that these events are in the news because it's a very rare occurrence. Children of this age are naturally very sensitive so he will need lots of love and understanding, (especially from his mother). The children at school will talk about it and process it together (hopefully with help), but don't be surprised if your grandson tends to come home from school and dramatize what's happened, maybe adding some details of his own; that's to be expected at his age.
There is little doubt that these events will have an effect on your grandson, but children are enormously resilient and given time and lots of love he will cope.

That's an awful situation Harbourlight - the poor children.
I do know of a similar situation - maybe you heard of the terrorist murders in Toulouse where 3 Jewish children and an adult were shot in their school grounds. We were talking to the father of a friend of the murdered children, 8 yrs old, who was standing nearby when they were shot. She has had a lot of individual therapy from a specialist psychologist, and is evidently getting over it now (2 years ago.)
This is obviously in France but I should hope the same support is available in UK for your grandson.

Thank you all for your advice, information and kind thoughts. It means a lot.

By now you may have told him what happened. If not check out first what he knows & has heard. If you can make it a 2 way conversation keeping to simple facts & what he wants to know. At 8 questions & concerns are often very literal so only go as deep as they need - much depends of course on the child. Often images & pictures are better than words so stories & opportunities to draw feelings work well & can set off conversations again. There's a really good series of work books for young children by Marje Heergard- 'when something terrible happens'. Each one covers a topic- death, a crisis, marriage break up etc. i'm at DDs at present doing childcare so can send other titles on Friday when back home & I'll pm you with more. I've just heard how well some children I worked with at their school who lost Mum, Gran & sister in the Omagh bomb & they have done really well. Do be prepared- not all schools handle these situations well or pick up issues that arise later. Victim support can be very variable. Look at websites with lots if specialist knowledge like Winston's Wish. They don't over- therapise. They need a while range of everyday but informed methods. The friend will enjoy normal friendship as a relief from everyone being worried. Hard to do this justice in a post so do pm with questions & clarifications. Individual counselling isn't enough unless those around the child aren't making matters worse. Sorry have to go & see to GKids so no time to edit.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

A child at my primary school was murdered after being abducted – obviously decades ago. I don't recall any comment from the school or offers of counselling – different world then – but I do remember just about every child in the school spontaneously rallying round to support her little brother and show kindness and affection for at least a year afterwards. I think this was immensely helpful to all of us.

Just so as people know why my posts were deleted. I posted a frivolous remark to a completely different thread on here by mistake. It was late at night.

I posted an apology right away but GNHQ seem to have deleted the apology as well.

My wrong post could not have appeared on a more tragic thread. I do hope the children affected will be getting the right help.

Hello Harbourlight42, I am so sorry to hear about this. I have a little insight into a small part of this subject. I am not sure if what I say will help at all but I hope perhaps a little. My son was murdered some years ago in a very brutal, totally unprovoked attack. My other children were young and so in this respect I can only say how we dealt with this situation. The first thing to say is there is no right or wrong way, just your way. Also we found the best thing to do was to be honest and explain everything that happened to their brother in respect to their age. Children are always tougher than we think and I think we were right to be honest, but again you know your own children or grandchildren. I feel that they would have heard or discovered "things" from other people and we wanted them to know "stuff" from us. One of my children was 8yrs at the time and although extremely upset, distraught even at times, they were a lot stronger than I was at times I think. It was on the television and in the papers and so they had that to deal with as well.
I suppose I am just saying, go with your gut instincts in how you deal with this and you will find that your grandchild is probably tougher than you think and if you use language they understand t will be ok. Also it is surprising how quickly children "get over" things and deal with them.
I do hope I haven't gone on too much and I sincerely hope things get better and if I can help in any way, please ask or p.m me.