Lame Limericks (but they are funny anyway)

The curtain at my windows torn
It makes the house look forlorn
Choosing new takes time,
Hmm, crimson or lime?
Maybe I’ll settle for fawn.

I think I just saw a mouse

I think I just saw a mouse
The cat’s chasing it round the house

I think I just saw a mouse
The cat’s chasing it round the house
Upstairs and downstairs

I think I just saw a mouse
The cat's chasing it round the house
Upstairs and downstairs
Under beds, behind armchairs

I think I just saw a mouse
The cat's chasing it round the house
Upstairs and downstairs
Under beds, behind armchairs
I prefer a mouse to a louse.

The cat is going demented

The cat is going demented
Because fish he thinks he’s scented

The cat is going demented
Because fish he thinks he’s scented
It’s something rotten

The cat is going demented
Because fish he thinks he’s scented
It’s something rotten
Better throw ‘outen’

The cat is going demented
Because fish he thinks he’s scented
It’s something rotten
Better throw ‘outen’
Glad air fresh'ner was invented.

My husband brought snails back from France

My husband brought snails back from France,
Said he thought he should take a chance

My husband brought snails back from France,
Said he thought he should take a chance
“None for me!” I said 🤢

My husband brought snails back from France,
Said he thought he should take a chance
“None for me!” I said 🤢
I'd rather be dead

My husband brought snails back from France,
Said he thought he should take a chance
“None for me!” I said 🤢
I'd rather be dead
I’ll get a sick bucket, perchance.

It’s noisy under the flight path

It’s noisy under the flight path
Pollution means a frequent path

It’s noisy under the flight path
Pollution means a frequent path
There's fumes all over

It's noisy under the flight path
Pollution means a frequent path
There's fumes all over
From Dundee to Dover

It's noisy under the flight path
Pollution means a frequent path
There's fumes all over
From Dundee to Dover
I need to keep taking a bath

I met a young couple from Perth

I met a young couple from Perth
Who said "We are all on Flat Earth"

met a young couple from Perth
Who said "We are all on Flat Earth"
Did they go to school?

I met a young couple from Perth
Who said "We are all on Flat Earth"
Did they go to school?
Did they know the rule?

I met a young couple from Perth
Who said "We are all on Flat Earth"
Did they go to school?
Did they know the rule?
Or perhaps they said it with mirth.

When I looked after a friend’s snake

When I looked after a friend’s snake
It became more than I could take

When I looked after a friend’s snake
It became more than I could take
All over it slithered

When I looked after a friend’s snake
It became more than I could take
All over it slithered
But then it dithered

When I looked after a friend’s snake
It became more than I could take
All over it slithered
With horror, I dithered