Gossip from around my way...

There's a rock in our village which measures 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

My friend consulted a solicitor about the buttock implants she had that fell out on the bus.

The solicitor agreed that she had been given a bum deal.

My friend once dated a weather forecaster. They had a stormy relationship.

My husband washed his wallet with his trousers.....he has been arrested for money laundering

The toilets were stolen at the local police station last night.

Police say that, as yet, they have nothing to go on.

A large quantity of Viagra pills were stolen from a lock up on the local industrial estate.

Police are looking for hardened criminals.

The boss told a work colleague to have a good day - so she went home

I have a weird neighbour who insists that she can read minds, but she can’t. She’s a telepathetic.

Storm Ciara has blown the roof off our local cheese factory.....de brie everywhere

My neighbour woke up with aeroplanes in her hair. She'd left the landing light on.

Things went wrong for my relationship after my husband needed to use a wheelchair.

He said I was always pushing him around.

You’re becoming a vegetarian?

I think that’s a big missed steak.

My friend Larry loves wearing women's clothes, and had the cheek to ask if he could borrow one of my jumpers.

I gave him the cold shoulder.

These are hilarious , don’t know how you come up with them.

Have a go! Its easy once you start.

That woman who is no better than she should be.. well, she only gives her services to men in Fiestas.

She must be a Ford Escort.

DH read about a man who invented an air horn for bicycles.

He won the No Bell prize.

I hate getting older, for example , my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

But I sat up all last night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

Noticed in the paper recently that the man who invented Velcro had died

RIP.

In the paper today a man complained that he had bought a second-hand guitar, but it didn't work.

He said he should have been warned when the seller said there were no strings attached.

Tube of Anusol in chemist BOGOF
Its a bum deal

Someone stole my new bucket
Thats beyond the pail,

They returned it badly damaged, I dont know who stole it

I cant get a handle on it

I fell downstairs at work and broke my leg,I amtrying to claim compensation

I Dont a have a leg to stand on