Gossip from around my way...

My cousin wrote a song about instant potato, and it got to number 1!

It was a Smash hit.

I nearly got run over by a khaki coloured armoured vehicle, driven by what looked like a trout, last week.

It was obviously a fish tank.

A bloke in our local pub asked the lovely blonde barmaid for a "double entendre"
So she gave him one.

Aunty Ann took up ballet, but struggled with it, frankly.

When her teacher asked her to do a pirouette, she turned around and said "no."

I went to get something from the paper shop.

But it had blown away.

My daughter came home from school upset because her teacher had told her off for not knowing the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’

I gave her a hug, told her not to worry, after all, it’s not the end of the world!

I’ve just realised that becoming a vegetarian was a big missed steak

My neighbour who invented Autocorrect has died.

The funfair is next Monkey

My friend was very cross when she went to her doctors about her incontinence.

He was so rude! Told her she could learn to live with a piddling little problem like that.

Oh ho! Very good!
More complicated ones now, is it?

I have read that scientistists have cloned humans one has moved down our way.
He was very rude swearing abd shouting at a neighbour.
A fight ensued and the clone was seen to fall to the floor.
Man has been arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

I went round to my friend's house, and her newspapers were out on the doorstep.
As I watched, before my very eyes, one of them levitated.

She must live in the House Of The Rising Sun.

My pony has a sore throat

He sounds a little hoarse

My ex was a toy boy

He complained I wound him up

My Ex is a bus driver, he has taken me for a ride

This a true story!!

I'll tell you something.. I'm never going to date another personal trainer.

That last one really gave me the runaround.

Well, I woke up to find all of my light bulbs had been pinched.

The police asked me, but I'm totally in the dark as to who might have done it.

I fell downstairs at work and broke my leg,I amtrying to claim compensation

I Dont a have a leg to stand on

Someone stole my new bucket
Thats beyond the pail,

They returned it badly damaged, I dont know who stole it

I cant get a handle on it

Tube of Anusol in chemist BOGOF
Its a bum deal

In the paper today a man complained that he had bought a second-hand guitar, but it didn't work.

He said he should have been warned when the seller said there were no strings attached.

Noticed in the paper recently that the man who invented Velcro had died

RIP.

I hate getting older, for example , my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

But I sat up all last night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me.