Patronising references to being elderly

My karate instructor, who is coming up 65 years old, was offered a seat on the tube by a young woman last Sunday

Two friends and I went to London for a weekend recently and younger people were jumping up all over the place to offer us their seats!
We're 68, 66 and 66, it's the first time that's happened.
We were surprised and amused, we didn't feel we needed a seat particularly but in the end we just smiled and accepted graciously.
Hopefully it gave the younger people a warm glow 😊

Good for you. Why would someone feel insulted? I hope he didn’t voice his displeasure at such a polite gesture.

Goldieoldie15

Not so much patronising as simply annoying. As in “ …. (do whatever, insert what you wish) for me”. No I’m NOT doing it for you , I am actually doing it for myself.

Yes - I remember a dental hygienist saying something like, "Now, I want you to floss your teeth twice a day for me . . . " Why for her and not for myself? Was it for her benefit, and not for my own? Was she going to come to my house twice a day and sit close enough to me to be knocked out by the smell if I didn't?

GSM No, he was polite but perhaps shocked might be a better word than insulted.

When my DH was in hospital, a few weeks before he died. I found it hard contacting the ward for information. It was the height of the pandemic.
I gave his 95 yr old parents the ward number so DMiL phoned to enquire about her son. She had been a schoolteacher and had the kind of voice you listened to.

She was able to elicit information about her son's health and the next time I was in visiting, their call was the talk of the Nurses Station and the best of it was that he was no longer treated like another random old person. He was the man who was someone's son.

I work in the nhs and was talking to a patients husband on the telephone during the course of conversation I remarked that I was 70 tired and still working but had the occasional memory problem then the husband replied well Im 91 and have memory problems too. His voice sounded so young and he was as sharp as a razor 😁

It's just a turn of speech, I say it to any age and people and pets, what is to be upset about ?we all grow up with things we heard said according to where we live or lived, a recent thing I disliked is starting a sentence with so, now I found myself saying it too,,,,
So,,,,must stop

My husband's sister said "Aww, bless you" when I mentioned I'll be 65 in a few months. She's 62

Totally right Germanshepherdsmum.

It sounds as if these comments are made with the intention to be kind and pleasant. Why are people so very insecure they can only see them as patronising? I wonder if those complaining think they never said anything that may have grated on others - you will have done. Just like all other humans.

Great attitude Maywalk.

It's not about being insecure. It's about recognising condescension when it is there. If someone makes a kind and pleasant comment, anyone with emotional intelligence will see if for what it is, and save taking offence for when it is meant, which sometimes it is.

Only those without such emotional intelligence assume that their way is the only way, and think they can assign their own ways of thinking to others.

A bit arrogant Doodledog. You seem to have joined the "everyone lacks emotional intelligence but me" club. As you used words from my post can I just point out it was full of caveats for the different circumstances and different ways people use the the phases accused of being patronising.

I certainly find it very easy to see the purpose of your version of 'only my way is the right way'. I look forward to your actual use of emotional intelligence at some future point; your post only seemed to contain an attempt at emotional manipulation ... but that's nothing new on this forum

Elegran

Goldieoldie15

Not so much patronising as simply annoying. As in “ …. (do whatever, insert what you wish) for me”. No I’m NOT doing it for you , I am actually doing it for myself.

Yes - I remember a dental hygienist saying something like, "Now, I want you to floss your teeth twice a day for me . . . " Why for her and not for myself? Was it for her benefit, and not for my own? Was she going to come to my house twice a day and sit close enough to me to be knocked out by the smell if I didn't?

That made me laugh, Elegran
😁

I still don't see it as patronising - just a bit twee. But then I call any small child whose name I don't know (usually when they are about to run into me while looking the other way) "darling". I certainly don't intend to be patronising, just not scary.

DaisyAnneReturns

A bit arrogant Doodledog. You seem to have joined the "everyone lacks emotional intelligence but me" club. As you used words from my post can I just point out it was full of caveats for the different circumstances and different ways people use the the phases accused of being patronising.

I certainly find it very easy to see the purpose of your version of 'only my way is the right way'. I look forward to your actual use of emotional intelligence at some future point; your post only seemed to contain an attempt at emotional manipulation ... but that's nothing new on this forum

Merry Christmas to you too, DAR.

My point is not that my way is the right way, but that most people can see when someone is being kind or patronising. I used words from your post as it was the last one I read before writing mine.

I don't think that all 'old people'/'older women' comments are kind or pleasant, though - not at all. When they are about what sort of music we should like, how we should dress, what is appropriate for us to say or do, then they are rude and condescending, IMO. When they are simply describing someone who is older, then they are no more or less unkind or unpleasant than any other descriptive terms.

What is, to me, emotionally manipulative is telling people what should and shouldn't offend them. That is something that individuals decide for themselves, and varies from individual to individual. Attempting to make someone feel in the wrong for reacting to behaviour (as opposed to dealing with the behaviour itself) is classic gaslighting.

It's life Doodledog. As for telling anyone what should and shouldn't offend them, I would say go as far as to say that there is a great deal of "telling" people what they should be offended by and that they should, indeed, be offended, or ill, of full of hate for groups they aren't a part of.

We live in a world of extremism and the extremists in all areas are propelling it. The best thing to do really us deal with real people not Internet figments, but we weigh that against missing what the internet can give us. Who knows if we have got that right.

I’m not disagreeing with that.

What I’m saying is that people telling others that life is too short or that there are more important things to worry about are belittling the feelings of those who do feel upset at being called ‘old women’ or whatever it may be. If they are upset they are upset. Whether you, I or anyone else is upset is neither here nor there. I don’t think it’s arrogant to say so, but if it is, well, so be it.

I have to stop myself calling everyone Sweetheart,especially delivery men! They probably want to run for the hills,bless them.

To be honest, I am 81 years of age and have never, ever been spoken to in that way.

Doodledog

I’m not disagreeing with that.

What I’m saying is that people telling others that life is too short or that there are more important things to worry about are belittling the feelings of those who do feel upset at being called ‘old women’ or whatever it may be. If they are upset they are upset. Whether you, I or anyone else is upset is neither here nor there. I don’t think it’s arrogant to say so, but if it is, well, so be it.

Valid point!

I am quite old, never notice patronising, am delighted people are kind and polite. However, not all agree and what others think matters.

avitorl

I have to stop myself calling everyone Sweetheart,especially delivery men! They probably want to run for the hills,bless them.

The delivery men are safe with me avitor. It's only loved ones and small children for me so far.

I will tell you what annoys me more and that is when women in my age group use age as an excuse. I was out with my older sister last week and someone boxed me in in the car park. I couldn't even open the car door wide enough to get in. Sis went back inside to ask whose car it was and I waited with the car ready to move it. The woman whose car it was came out and said something about "us older drivers" as though age was an excuse for stupidity and bad manners!

GrannyGrunter

To be honest, I am 81 years of age and have never, ever been spoken to in that way.

I think it often how you chose to hear what people are saying GrannyGrunter.

GrannyGrunter

To be honest, I am 81 years of age and have never, ever been spoken to in that way.

Maybe not, and I can't say I have been spoken to like that either, although I'm a lot younger than you, but it happens often on here, which is particularly annoying, as it is a site for older women.

Doodledog

GrannyGrunter

To be honest, I am 81 years of age and have never, ever been spoken to in that way.

Maybe not, and I can't say I have been spoken to like that either, although I'm a lot younger than you, but it happens often on here, which is particularly annoying, as it is a site for older women.

Where and when do you see this happening Doodledog? How do we know "it happens often"? Occasionally in life I see offence given, occasionally I see offence taken where it was not intended. Hasn't this always been a problem including, but not exclusively, an untergenerational one?

When they say something like Awwww, or Bless You - say it back at them.