Patronising references to being elderly

It is indeed an old thread, but I have to say I find Crocus’s response to a well-meant friendly remark very rude. I don’t mind if someone calls me chicken, pet, darling, my lovely - whatever. So much nicer to smile than be a sour face.

This is an old thread revived.

eazybee

I don't give a toss about being called dear, love, chicken or what ever. To paraphrase:

I'm (over ) seventy-five
And I'm still alive.

Dear Victoria Wood is not.

I feel quite the same. Polite behaviour is what matters to me.

I have occasionally replied "
and bless you as well." Sometimes I get a surprised look but that is fine. If I really get patronised, such as when one insulting man in a computer shop asked if I knew how to put it on., then I give the teachers hard stare and informed him that I was running a computerised telecommunication system before he was born and would he like me to explain the machine in french german or portuguese. He blushed quite red and did manage to mutter sorry, when I replied , just dont put people in boxes , ask what they need dont assume!! I hope it made him think more with the next person!!

I don't give a toss about being called dear, love, chicken or what ever. To paraphrase:

I'm (over ) seventy-five
And I'm still alive.

Dear Victoria Wood is not.

Once in a supermarket a young assistant called me darling. I said,"*Please don't call me darling." Her reply......."Alright sweetheart." I just walked away.

I'm 83 and was called "Chicken" the other day. This was in an exercise group and it was the instructor who used that term. I've been called love, dear, darling,flower but not chicken and I didn't like it.

I absolutely agree with you! And I just wrote about this in an essay on Substack. But people don't realize YET that saying 'aren't you cute' or calling an older person 'adorable' diminishes that person. It minimizes us.

We've lived many years and have decades of experience, skills, and knowledge behind us. I think people will eventually learn that it isn't acceptable to talk to us like children, but it will take each of us teaching them how we expect to be respected.

Baby Boomers have always been a huge force in the world and we'll continue to be if we don't allow others to make us feel small.

Interestingly, the only times I can recall being patronised by another woman was in 1971 and then again (different woman) in 1983. I was 23 and 35 respectively. Both times, I was in a pub with a table-full of other people more or less my own age. The first one said, "Aww, look at her, all quiet in the corner, taking it all in." (Wha....?) The second one: "You work as an accountant? Aww, bless." (I repeat, wha....?) It turned out that both happened to be my ex's bit-on-the-side of the moment (both dumped when the novelty wore off) so I never felt badly about it as they probably had big enough problems of their own. Now I'm 76 (and long gone from that marriage), younger women just tend to ask my advice on stuff I'm too old to remember anyway!

RosiesMaw2

^He was young and probably a bit stupid^

Now who’s being ageist?
If he’s an anaesthetist he’s medically qualified and far from stupid.

Yes, it’s a bit like hearing (in my youth), “You look too young to be a teacher.” In those days, compared with most of the staff I suppose I did. Would that was still true now!

He was young and probably a bit stupid

Now who’s being ageist?
If he’s an anaesthetist he’s medically qualified and far from stupid.

The immediate response that comes to mind is that you have lived long enough to have some manners!

My worst one was from a young anesthetist asking me if I did my own shopping! I said, "If I have time between work and college, otherwise I get home delivery". He was young and probably a bit stupid and maybe in my hospital gown, little boots, little hat I looked like I wasn't fully compos mentis.

^There are no real absolutes (well, outside of what seem to me to be obvious insults) so it comes down to perception, which is individual.

Individual to both parties. It simply cannot be one person's decision that word, in common parlance, suddenly becomes an insult. That takes away freedom of speech.

The idea that people intending kindness or friendliness are being insulting and can be attacked actually or verbally is extreme.

Perception may not mean you are wrong but nor does it mean you are right. Before offering insulting words or actions in reply it is surely the individuals jobs to find out whether their "perception" tells them all they need to know.

Callistemon21

😁

Someone I'm fond of calls me "hon" but I don't ruffle my feathers because I like her too much to upset her.

warbler
Anyway, duck, life's too short to let little things like that annoy you.

A friend of mine (English) moved to Scotland and within months was calling everyone 'Hen' all the time . I found it amusing, but said nothing. She then changed to 'dear', and the current term of endearment is 'love'. It's not meant to be patronising, as we've known each other forever. It's her way of saying she feels close.

😁

Someone I'm fond of calls me "hon" but I don't ruffle my feathers because I like her too much to upset her.

warbler
Anyway, duck, life's too short to let little things like that annoy you.

Haha! Right! I'm going to be deliberately patronising and warbler (warblers are such sweet birds!) can take it how she likes: Do calm down, dear!

Warbler

My Mum picked up “lovey” from her local church. The day she said it to me I nearly bit her head off! I’ve never heard anything so patronising. Another hate is “hun”. I cringe and instantly fall out with you and you’ll never know why.

"bit her head off"? "patronising "? "cringe"? "fall out with you"?

I'm fascinated to know if you have any insight into why you have such a strong reaction Warbler. On it's own, the level of offense you have taken isn't validate by the simple dislike of such a word.

It doesn't sound as if your mother's intention was ever to offend, poor woman.

Yes, I agree with you, too , particularly about the pronouns, but the principle is true in other circumstances too. There are no real absolutes (well, outside of what seem to me to be obvious insults) so it comes down to perception, which is individual.

This has become an argument about nothing, really. it is not possible to legislate for people's feelings, so it is always going to come down to the social skills of those making comments, and the ability to 'read the room' by those on the receiving end. Misunderstandings will occur, but that's the nature of communication.

I agree with the essence of your post, doodledog, but language control is essentially censorship so it also worries me. All polite people self-censor but there's a fine line between not wanting to offend and being forbidden to use certain words or expressions.

For example, I think it is quite wrong to make a rule about using people's "chosen pronouns" when the scientific evidence is that they are not the sex whose pronouns they want other people to use towards them. I would be polite with such people but I strongly object to government getting involved to make misgendering, mistaken or deliberate, an actual crime.

Witzend

It’s the ‘boomer’ jibes that irritate me most - just the other day on MN there was one implying that boomers are all racist bigots.

Such comments are not worthy of much attention. There will always be silly people making silly, ignorant comments.

Surely the internal response, rather than irritation, should just be an eye roll. One doesn't have to take any notice or let it affect one.

It’s the ‘boomer’ jibes that irritate me most - just the other day on MN there was one implying that boomers are all racist bigots.

Sigh. No, I am not saying anything of the sort. Let me try one more time, but please don’t keep telling me what I think - try reading my posts. It’s like being cross-examined sometimes.

There are those who think that calling someone a ‘darkie’ or ‘coloured’ is not offensive. Similarly there are those who happily call people fat, or ugly or stupid, in both cases claiming that they are simply ‘saying it how it is’. There are those on the receiving of such comments who may not mind, which is their prerogative, but others do, which is theirs. In my opinion (to which I am entitled, I believe?) the intention of somebody using language like that is not enough to make it acceptable, in fact someone using it at work is likely to be disciplined. The onus is on us to use language that is not likely to offend. Yes, if I dare say it, most people (of my acquaintance at least) will filter what they hear and understand that there are those without the education or social skills to understand that words can hurt. Not everyone is as robust, however, as we are all different, and it is neither right nor wrong to be upset.

My Mum picked up “lovey” from her local church. The day she said it to me I nearly bit her head off! I’ve never heard anything so patronising. Another hate is “hun”. I cringe and instantly fall out with you and you’ll never know why.

Good post, DAR. Just so.

It doesn't follow from feeling offended that offence was given or, to put it another way, offence is often taken more than it is given.

I didn't take offence when I was 38 and people thought I was 28. Why should I take offence at 68 if people think I "look good for my age". Please take note of the word IF in that sentence 🤣