Mum's 90th birthday bash coming up

Smile, nod, and move along talking to others.

No need to be less than polite.

wouldn't want to be

Yes, OP, I think you are absolutely right, it’s your mother’s day so smiling & being civil is what is needed. For her sake her grandchildren should be invited, and hopefully you will be able to do so if your children attend, and so will they.

A good suggestion Casdon. As EP's we wouldn't to be in a situation where we were at a function our ES was attending and I'm sure he'd feel the same.

That’s why I’d suggested earlier in the thread that the family members who are in touch with the grandchildren could be asked if they would talk to them and if the grandchildren wanted to see her, arrange a specific time so that their parents weren’t there. It would take a lot of the tension out of the day that way, because everybody would know in advance either way. I just wouldn’t want the grandma to miss out, it’s a big day for her.

I can understand why you thought that but I wasn't just thinking of the OP Casdon. I was thinking how potentially volatile the situation could be, and no one can be certain that her 90 year old mother wouldn't be aware of an atmosphere, which everyone being civil and smiling at one another may not hide.

I agree that ensuring she has a day untainted by other people's battles is the most important thing and that certainly seems to be the OP's desire too.

You did say one thing I disagree with Smileless2012, which was ‘I hope if they do decide to acknowledge their GM's birthday they do so without being present on the day.‘
I think in saying that you are not thinking of the grandma, but of the mother. On her birthday, she would no doubt love to see her grandchildren, and if they do decide to visit her all other considerations should be parked in my opinion. Surely ensuring she has a day untainted by other people’s battles is the most important thing.

Tying it without explanation etc just comes over as unkind and not thought provoking exactly Madgran.

Where has it been said that the opinions of others aren't allowed including yours stillawipp? Of course they're allowed and anyone is allowed to disagree with them.

Thank you for your opinion Smileless2012. I believe others are allowed, including my own.

stillawipp

On the contrary, I think my post is more useful to others precisely because I have experienced estrangement, realised what I was doing, & am now reconciled. It was exactly what someone said to me during my estrangement, & one of the reasons why I woke up to myself and how I was acting.

Well unfortunately your style of commenting does not lend itself to people being able to "hear" the message. Typing it without explanation etc just comes over as unkind not thought provoking. My understanding from your explanation above is that you meant it to be "thought provoking?"

It's a cruel thing to say to someone you don't know stillawipp and wrong to assume that because your behaviour resulted in you being estranged, that that's the case for everyone; it isn't as your time here on GN should have shown you.

On the contrary, I think my post is more useful to others precisely because I have experienced estrangement, realised what I was doing, & am now reconciled. It was exactly what someone said to me during my estrangement, & one of the reasons why I woke up to myself and how I was acting.

I can understand why this is difficult for you DogWhisperer which with the best will in the world is difficult for anyone not estranged from their AC to understand, and may account for the deleted posts which I didn't see, but can imagine their content .

As your post @ 7.42 clearly demonstrates, you're not in a position to contact your AC about your mum's upcoming birthday. One you are unable to contact and the other has responded to previous attempts with abuse and threats to contact the police.

It does happen when parents are estranged that GP's are too. This happened to my mum who never saw her only GGC and my m.i.l. had very little contact with our ES and his children.

It seems to me very unlikely that they'll turn up on the day knowing that you'll be there, and it also seems unlikely that they'll visit at all if they've made no effort to contact her since you were estranged.

If they do then my advice is to do what you've said you will do; be civil.

I hope if they do decide to acknowledge their GM's birthday they do so without being present on the day.

Unnecessarily cruel responses Basgetti and stillawipp and I have to say I found yours particularly shocking stillawipp as someone whose experienced estrangement by their AC. How would you have felt if during that time, what you've said to DogWhisperer had been said to you?

It's a tricky one but I guess all you can do is go ahead without actively expecting your children to come. If they do, try to keep a polite distance and just be happy that your mother is getting to see them. If they don't come, you'll need to be on your toes if she asks where they are, but try to have a little stock of non-inflammatory replies ready in our mind, so you aren't caught on the hop. I would definitely not allow the estrangement into the situation at all. Make sure the day is all about her, not you and your kids, and the hours will pass quickly enough. Then it'll be behind you and you can plod onwards (until the next tricky time). Good luck.

Crikey. Sometimes you can just see why people are estranged, can't you?

Perhaps it’s not the soon-to-be 90 year old that they want to avoid… just a thought. Clearly there’s no love lost between you and them.

I can’t help thinking about an incident in our close family and one that is going on at the moment.
The advice I gave 15 years ago was - just be nice- the person that I said this to was, I believe, the wronged party.
My advice today is the same.
If you are nice you generally ‘win’ in the end. Even if the contretemps continues you will have nothing to blame yourself for.
Make it as easy as possible for your mother to see them. You will hold the moral high ground. A good place to be?

Hopefully the estranged children will pay their Gran a visit on, say, the day before her birthday. They can apologise and say they couldn’t make it on the 6th I think both they and you would feel very tense if you were all there together. I’m not sure you should send an invitation either given that the estrangement has been 6 years. Maybe another family member could suggest they pay a separate visit as Gran would love to see them. I’m wondering, in fact, when she did last see them?

Why not tell the family members who have most likely told them about the party to invite them, at a pre agreed specific time when your husband and yourself will not be there, so they won’t bump into you? It’s their grandma’s special day, and it would be a shame for her if an estrangement which has nothing to do with her affects her enjoyment that day.

i think it is a shame that they have not visited their grandma especially as they had so much enjoyment with her
can the estrangement be sorted at all? if your mum does not know who is the estrangement with?
i think especially if your mum has not full understanding then it would be very confusing for her with two children missing. is there anyone who could reach out explain the occasion and ask if they would just for an hour put everything aside for their gran?
btw i think the photos will be a lovely idea they do seem to understand the past more than the present so it will be a lovely happy trip down memory lane

NotSpaghetti

Have the grandchildren actually put the event IN their phone BlueBelle?
How would they know there was a "party" planned?

They would know there was a party planned in the same way that I did. I saw it was her birthday coming up so I emailed my brother and sister and said "hey guys, what are we doing for Mum's 90th?" I didn't include our kids in the email because they have made it clear that they don't want any contact from us, about this or anything else. So I am respecting their boundaries and preserving their peace (to use the current buzz-words).

Invite the grandchildren and try to make your Mother's special day wonderful for her .
I went through three miserable years with my Father over family estrangement.
I tried and failed to smooth things over,but I'm glad that I tried.

If they are avoiding the OP if they do want to visit they will obviously avoid the day planned by her.

Hmm, wonder why they’re “estranged”?…..

Have the grandchildren actually put the event IN their phone BlueBelle?
How would they know there was a "party" planned?