How should a family manage an estranged relationship?

Smileless2012

That must be upsetting for you Debbi but if that's the decision they have made, there's nothing you can do but enjoy the time you get to spend with them even though they wont spend that time together.

I think a lot does depend on the age of the child DiamondLily and when it comes to estrangement we're not talking about small children but adult children, who are old enough too make their decisions and go their own way.

I don't know if it was on this thread or another on this forum that I posted this, but we needed and depended on one another to get through our estrangement. We stood united and I believe that divided we'd have fallen.

Well, as I’ve said before - my mother was a difficult woman (to say the least 😳) but she was a lovely, lovely Nan, and I never had any thoughts of disrupting what she and my young children, at that point, had.

They loved her until the day she died. They never knew my true feelings about her - and they never will.

They came first in my life. 😊

But, there was never any question of me not standing by, and supporting my late husband with regards to his ghastly ACs. . 😉

They had the front to contact me a few months ago to ‘mend bridges’

I trust my two word answer to them was crystal clear, 🤐

BlessedArt

Yes, for sure it is important to decide one’s own personal boundaries. Abuse of my loved ones is one of mine.

Equally important is allowing others to decide their own. I can only control my choices, but I wouldn’t seek to sway my husband’s choices when it comes to his children. Family conflict is so complex and never easy to deal with. I just could never take solace in even suggestively influencing my husband to cut off our child if that’s not what either want. Other feelings matter besides my own. Further family division can never comfort me.

It made life easier that my DH and I didn’t share birth children, so all I could do was stand by him in support of him, with the way his adult children were carrying on.

The only emotions I felt towards them were murderous. 🙄

But, it was wearing - adult children threatening, abusing and having tantrums is incredibly boring.

I wouldn’t have put up with it from my own ACs and it was frustrating.

But, they lost out, big time, in the end, so I can only hope they’re happy with how it all panned out. 😉

They reaped what they’d sown. .

That must be upsetting for you Debbi but if that's the decision they have made, there's nothing you can do but enjoy the time you get to spend with them even though they wont spend that time together.

I think a lot does depend on the age of the child DiamondLily and when it comes to estrangement we're not talking about small children but adult children, who are old enough too make their decisions and go their own way.

I don't know if it was on this thread or another on this forum that I posted this, but we needed and depended on one another to get through our estrangement. We stood united and I believe that divided we'd have fallen.

My twin daughters are estranged, they are 33 now . It started at senior school, different groups of friends , different interests etc. They fell out big time over a guy they both liked aged 19. They have barely spoken since. It's caused me so much stress and upset over the years , eventually I gave up trying to help them maintain a relationship. No family Christmas's etc . They even had separate parties for their 30th. It definitely has an impact on the rest of the family

Yes, for sure it is important to decide one’s own personal boundaries. Abuse of my loved ones is one of mine.

Equally important is allowing others to decide their own. I can only control my choices, but I wouldn’t seek to sway my husband’s choices when it comes to his children. Family conflict is so complex and never easy to deal with. I just could never take solace in even suggestively influencing my husband to cut off our child if that’s not what either want. Other feelings matter besides my own. Further family division can never comfort me.

Oh well I agree with that. I saw how much my late DH was hurt by his ACs simply because of money.

I lived that dream for 18 years.

Abuse, by anyone, is never acceptable. They lost out in the end, but I hope their unkindness keeps them warm in winter. 😉

InRainbows

I would put my child before my spouse, I have no idea if that is the norm but I would. I wouldn't walk away from a small child because that is what my spouse wanted so I would not do it when they are adults either. I'm not sure young people are as described there. I think they are better at relationships and working at them if anything than many people my own age.

This is my perspective as well with some exceptions. I am blessed to be married to a man who feels the same. However, if one of my adult children were to ever be repeatedly abusive to my husband I may opt to distance myself from that relationship. Not specifically out of loyalty but because I am not so forgiving of anyone abusing my loved ones, regardless of who they are. It’s my personal boundary, not one imposed upon me by the guilt-trips of a spouse.

Ok, well best, in the end, that we all do what’s best for ourselves. It’s only us that have to live with the decisions we make. 😊

It does depend on the situation but the decision would still be mine alone. I am taken aback at how horrified even the thought made me.

A small child, no. An adult child - depends on the situation. 🤷‍♀️

I would put my child before my spouse, I have no idea if that is the norm but I would. I wouldn't walk away from a small child because that is what my spouse wanted so I would not do it when they are adults either. I'm not sure young people are as described there. I think they are better at relationships and working at them if anything than many people my own age.

I can’t speak about my birth children and ever being estranged, because it hasn’t happened.

But, for 18 years I put up with my late husband’s birth children bouncing us in and out of estrangement. They agreed he’d been a great dad, but they always wanted us to dance to their financial tune. 🙄

Nope. Wasn’t happening. The day after DHs funeral, I told them exactly what I thought of them. And estranged them for good.

They’re out of my life, thank goodness. 👍🥂. But I tried for years.

I can’t be bothered to deal with whining and abusive adult kids. 🙄

My only sibling, my brother, also upset me so much, I blew him and his family out for good as well. All good.👍. Again, I gave it my best shot.

But, I have no problem with my DD still seeing him etc. I’ve just told her that they’re dead to me, so I don’t want to know anything. That works.👍

But, when you get married, your spouse should be your priority - and I’d never have not stood by my husband’s side with family relationships, any more than he would have me.

But, unhappily, there are too many controlling and coercive younger adults around now. 🤷‍♀️. Probably influenced by social media. 🙄

The slightest thing and they’re all screaming around in victim mode.

Shame really. 🙄

I think depending on the specific circumstances one choice can absolutely be right or wrong. I don’t believe in blind loyalty in the face of objective wrong. I’ve known of a situation where one parent abused a child, as an adult the child cut the abuser off, and the other parent cut the child off. I will never agree that the parent siding with their abusive spouse and refusing to see their own child was correct. I unapologetically find it a repulsive decision to make.

But the main thing is that if a parent and child wish to be united, not even a spouse should come between that. Makes no difference to me if the spouse is part of the younger or older couple, bio parent or step parent. Parents and their children who want a relationship should be allowed to have one without anyone making them feel guilty for it.

HeyGirl

Families fall out all the time and can make up, but estrangement is another level. I was estranged from my parents for several years, they couldn't get on with my husband and told me, by letter, he wasn't welcome at their house and wouldn't visit me whilst he was there. I took my husband's 'side' although there were issues with behaviour in both. It cost me in years of coolness in my relationship with my sister, I wasnt invited to family occasions. After the birth of my daughter I managed to build a workable relationship with my parents for her sake but it was never the same. Lots was left unspoken. Much hurt was felt by me, it took me many years to cope with what I felt as rejection. One thing I know is that an estrangement can't be undone, is unlikely to be fully repaired and is painful all round. Best avoided if you can talk it through and reach a compromise. That's a tall order though.

Thank you for sharing that. Why did they take a strong dislike of him? Has he been good to you? That sounds very controlling to give you an ultimatum like that.

To go back to the OPs question about maintaining contact with a child when their spouse is estranged, it surely has to be that individuals choice, just as whether to tell their spouse has to be their choice. My Mum didn't contact me at all during our estrangement which was orchestrated by my father. Her friend was put in a similar position and did maintain contact with her daughter without her husband's knowledge. Both are difficult and neither is 'wrong'. Go with your own needs and feelings.

HeyGirl

My parents have both passed now. I
They were good grandparents to my daughter so even if a relationship can't be fully repaired it can be maintained on a different level albeit a more superficial one.

Sorry for your loss .

I tend to be of the mindset that healthy family relationships, even flawed ones, are better than none. Families aren’t perfect. Relationships aren’t perfect. If there is a way some sense of unity can prevail, it’s a good thing. I am glad your daughter had her grandparents who were good to her.

HeyGirl

"Kindness and consideration" absolutely.
"Engagement" as a choice is not always the case, we can be collateral damage and caught in the crossfire.

I was speaking of engagement in the sense of the site, not within the context of familial estrangement .

My parents have both passed now. I
They were good grandparents to my daughter so even if a relationship can't be fully repaired it can be maintained on a different level albeit a more superficial one.

Sorry for your family troubles Heygirl.

I am impressed you and your husband have managed to allow some semblance of a relationship between your child and her family who shunned you both. Some wounds heal but scars don’t go away, do they?

If you are happier having your family in your life, I am glad you are able to do so now

"Kindness and consideration" absolutely.
"Engagement" as a choice is not always the case, we can be collateral damage and caught in the crossfire.

You stood by your husband HeyGirl and for me, standing by your husband or wife in a situation like that isn't a matter of taking sides. I'm sorry that your parents put you into that impossible situation and that your relationship with them has never fully recovered .

Families fall out all the time and can make up, but estrangement is another level. I was estranged from my parents for several years, they couldn't get on with my husband and told me, by letter, he wasn't welcome at their house and wouldn't visit me whilst he was there. I took my husband's 'side' although there were issues with behaviour in both. It cost me in years of coolness in my relationship with my sister, I wasnt invited to family occasions. After the birth of my daughter I managed to build a workable relationship with my parents for her sake but it was never the same. Lots was left unspoken. Much hurt was felt by me, it took me many years to cope with what I felt as rejection. One thing I know is that an estrangement can't be undone, is unlikely to be fully repaired and is painful all round. Best avoided if you can talk it through and reach a compromise. That's a tall order though.

You sound as if you're in the middle of whatever's going on InRainbows, an unenviable place to be.

Listen to 'both sides' but when it comes to being asked for advice for to give an opinion, as my wonderful gran would say 'keep your powder dry'.

Smileless2012

Oh dear BlessedArt, I simply cannot be bothered to engage with your constant pulling apart of everything I post.

Engagement is a choice 100% of the time .

I refuse to be an intermediary. Feelings are high. I can see that were I to put any pressure on the situation that those hurt feelings could then extend to me. Do families overstep by getting involved? Are they estranged because of that?