Estranged daughter and my will

I would continue to treat my children equally in this situation

But thoughts about wills seems like the end of this estrangement journey...

Are there no other steps to be tried?

BlueBelle

Oh no no no treat them the same in your will even though she has estranged herself she is still your daughter Definitely split it three way, her, her sister, and the grandchildren or give the younger daughter who is struggling something along the way which no one needs to know about

I agree.

Given we've not received legacies and we give to our children whilst alive - that works best imo, and is my basis. Overall I agree with a 1/3 x 3 division and helping one along now. You really have no idea to the money at death of any of your children's partners-in-law, not to be counted upon in your assumptions.

I do think leaving out a loved child, playing favourites as it were, sends a bad message from the grave - not my way of dealing, it's only money.

Norah

BlueBelle

Oh no no no treat them the same in your will even though she has estranged herself she is still your daughter Definitely split it three way, her, her sister, and the grandchildren or give the younger daughter who is struggling something along the way which no one needs to know about

I agree.

Given we've not received legacies and we give to our children whilst alive - that works best imo, and is my basis. Overall I agree with a 1/3 x 3 division and helping one along now. You really have no idea to the money at death of any of your children's partners-in-law, not to be counted upon in your assumptions.

I do think leaving out a loved child, playing favourites as it were, sends a bad message from the grave - not my way of dealing, it's only money.

good advice Norah and Bluebelle

I, and my ex, estranged his mother/my MIL over 40 years ago. When she died, neither of us wanted anything, and declined it all. I didn’t want to know her in life, I certainly didn’t in death, and neither did my ex (her son).

That's been the case for others who have estranged too, and it makes sense to me DL. I wouldn't dream of inheriting anything from someone I'd decided I didn't want anything to do with.

Tricky. I don’t envy anyone deciding what to do under these circumstances.

“And to my eldest daughter I leave the sum of £50. It was to have been £50k but we fell out years ago and our relationship ended”.

Emotions and feelings come into play here. This is your beloved daughter who you loved (maybe still love), took to school, nursed when sick. Not an in-law. Your daughter.

I couldn’t do it (cut her out). Whether or not she would choose to decline it further down the line would be up to her. I would never know. The only thing I would do is let her younger sister know they are equals in the Will. And in the meantime help the younger out as much as you are able.

You mention your estranged daughter is part of a well off family. That really is none of your business. She and her husband might divorce. You shouldn’t use what would be her inheritance to ‘level up’ for your younger girl.

* seems I agree with you the ex-wife.

DiamondLily

I, and my ex, estranged his mother/my MIL over 40 years ago. When she died, neither of us wanted anything, and declined it all. I didn’t want to know her in life, I certainly didn’t in death, and neither did my ex (her son).

Nor me. I don’t get taking the inheritance from someone you’d cut off in life. I’m not that much of a hypocrite. 🙄

I couldn’t favour a child who had chosen to estrange me for no good reason. I’m afraid my disappointment would speak in my will - they would receive nothing.

I genuinely feel that no estrangements happen for absolutely no reason. Maybe sometimes for reasons the other party doesn't agree with but not for no reason.

My brother has little to do with our parents but makes just enough effort to stay in the will. Occasional visits, occasional calls, always "forgetting" special occasions but forgiven. That's not a good look either really.

It's really sad when relationships never stop being a balance of some sort of power/authority when everyone involved are actually adults.

I don't want to be left anything but if I am, I will do something good with it and move on

When my son was naughty as a child there where consequences. This estranged he has chosen . He did it cruelly and cowardly via email and follow up letter. Last time I saw my 2 grandson's by him they where 4 and 2. They are now 7 and 5 they have a 3 year old brother who I do not know his name or exact date of birth . At the time my son estranged me he knew there was a problem with my heart and waiting for tests. Since May 2020 I have contacted him 3 times . Twice because I had to and the last time last year as I had decided if I got silence like the second one or abuse I am done . I will not allow him to hurt me anymore . September 2020 after much thinking I cut him out my will. Had to get a letter from my GP stating my hereditary neurological condition is physical not mental also my solicitor got me to write a letter explaining why I cut my son out. Plus she wanted me to write about my son and my husband and after my husband died and what I did looking after my parents and mother in law. Then about my relationship with my son and daughter in law and 2 grandson's. Took me all weekend with may tears and ended up writing 13 pages of A4. My solicitor cried when she read it. At the same time I took out both powers of attorney and my daughter and son in law are my attorneys .
The letter from my GP and my letter wouldn't see the light of day unless my son finds out when I die and contests my will.

I didn't know but anyone who thinks they have a claim can contest a will up to 2 years after you die.

I love my son very much but the son who was caring and loving for 32 years not ideal who he is now . My love for my grandsons even the one I don't know will never waver.

My husband and I believe children inherit from parents . So left nothing to any of my 5 grandson's.

If my son did decide he wanted me back in their lives my will won't change. As I will never forgive him or ever trust him again.

Whiff

If my son did decide he wanted me back in their lives my will won't change. As I will never forgive him or ever trust him again.

Then you should say no to that relationship instead of continuing a false one.. that's just not right

I can't imagine your dd wanting to inherited anything...she may just donate it to charity ....far better for your younger DD to have it

VioletSky do not tell me what's right or not. You do not know me and I will not be judged by you.

Of course there are always reasons for estrangement, some EP's know what they are and some don't.

I agree that what your brother's doing isn't a good look VS; rather mercenary behaviour.

A parent wouldn't necessarily be having a false relationship with a returning EAC if they didn't reinstate them into their will. They may make them aware that they've been disinherited then the AC can decide what's more important.

Not all children know the content of their parents wills prior to their parents dying and there could by any number of shocks/surprises when the time comes.

That's a good point LOUISA about an EAC not wanting the inheritance and donating it to charity.

Whiff

VioletSky do not tell me what's right or not. You do not know me and I will not be judged by you.

👏👏👏 You do what’s right for you Whiff. Everyone’s situation is different.

Whiff

VioletSky do not tell me what's right or not. You do not know me and I will not be judged by you.

I truly hope you find real healthy healing one day

Smileless2012

Of course there are always reasons for estrangement, some EP's know what they are and some don't.

I agree that what your brother's doing isn't a good look VS; rather mercenary behaviour.

A parent wouldn't necessarily be having a false relationship with a returning EAC if they didn't reinstate them into their will. They may make them aware that they've been disinherited then the AC can decide what's more important.

Not all children know the content of their parents wills prior to their parents dying and there could by any number of shocks/surprises when the time comes.

That's a good point LOUISA about an EAC not wanting the inheritance and donating it to charity.

Sorry to clarify, it was the "never trust or forgive" I was referring to..

So many relationships have issues, people hurt each other and have to work through it. This statement should in essence, firmly shut the door on a relationship as it would not be real or healthy for either of them

When the previously estranged child, who thought they had made peace finds out at the last possible moment it was all a lie and they are to be punished? That is, I don't have words to express how hurtful that would be to someone's own child.

I cannot understand it, and because this thread is advice to an estranged parent who needs support with the will, felt it needed to be challenged

I think you should apologise for that last comment VS. It is not for you or anyone to suggest that Whiff has not found real healthy healing.

My late DH made an autonomous decision about his uncaring kids. He cut both out of his will completely. He left most to me, and some to my kids (who had always cared for well over 20 years).

We reap what we sow.

Smileless2012

I think you should apologise for that last comment VS. It is not for you or anyone to suggest that Whiff has not found real healthy healing.

I already clarified why this is not healthy thinking and why it is just as damaging to the person having those thoughts as it would be their own child... and it is an open forum

My son estranged himself from his entire family two years ago after he was dumped by his girlfriend at Christmas. So don't tell me that we had anything to do with it. I find that cruel and hurtful. He loved family and I think being around family was too much for him to deal with,so he cut us all off. He was thinking of his own feelings and dealing with his own pain. Despite attempts, he has not contacted any of us again.
I have made a will which is 50/50 between him and his sister and that won't change. If he doesn't want it, that's his decision at the time.

Smiles I wouldn't accept an apology from VioletSky if it was gold plated. Regulars on GN know you have a view on everything VioletSky even things you know nothing about.

It’s perhaps just a case of needing to have experienced adult children estranging you to have a valid opinion. Gotta be it to see it, sort of thing.