3 bereavements .....

Sorry for your loss.

Exchanging gifts is always difficult and probably best done on the quiet. Someone once sent me a completely unsutable "activity" experience which I quietly passed on to one of my sporty young nephews.

I think the posters upthread are correct in that your problem lies with your son. He is obviously much under the influence of the DIL. I would leave it for a few months and then try to rebuild your relationship with him. Perhaps he would agree to bring your grandchild around for an hour or so nearer Christmas.

And the question is now . Do I buy grandchildren presents birthdays and Christmas or save money for them

I would suggest that you save money for them. I dont think Xmas and birthdays are the best time to instigate contact of any sort when emotions are running high and it just opens the way for presents to be chucked back at you, and more hurt!

Sorry to hear of your husband's death at such a young age. Life is very hard sometimes isn't it. Obviously you seem to have upset your DIL and son even if it was unintentionally on your part, I would write them a letter or WhatsApp and don't play the victim, even though you are I think, say you are sorry and you will do anything and everything to make amends, say how much you love your son and how sorry you are to have upset his wife and how you long to see your grandchildren. Say you want to give the children presents for Christmas and how you miss seeing them etc.

Christmas isn't imminent so wait and see if there's a change Nicola and if not saving money would be better than sending gifts.

I think you don't understand the full story.

All this happened when my husband her fil and my husband was slowly leaving us.

I did reach out and got a mouth full of abuse. How not to behave when family in crisis in my opinion and will never forgive her or him as my husband didn't have a voice and is now dead.

Nicola, Please take no notice of very unkind responses from some. No one knows how hard it is losing your husband and so young, like mine was, but previous to this looking after him with Alzheimer’s, that is so hard and lonely and draining. Please look after yourself. Concentrate on the family and people you do have, you need to look after yourself. I do find your dil has a problem as has your son. Some people cannot cope with illness, can’t put themselves in your shoes, tgat no excuse for treating you badly you needed support, it wasn’t about them.
You are always welcome on here as we do understand a little of your feelings and you will get support, meanwhile look after yourself.💐

22:18Nicola1960

How awful for you, I don't know what to suggest if you have already reached out to them didn't realise this, but if you want to see your grandchildren you need to try and make peace with your son 💐

Nicola1960

I think you don't understand the full story.

All this happened when my husband her fil and my husband was slowly leaving us.

I did reach out and got a mouth full of abuse. How not to behave when family in crisis in my opinion and will never forgive her or him as my husband didn't have a voice and is now dead.

Nicola I totally understand your anger regarding that behaviour. I do think that when you are ready you need to work out your way forward in the context of what YOU would like to happen IF they are willing.

*Do you want any relationship with them?
Or
*Do you want to just be allowed to see your grandchildren?
Or
*Do you want somewhere between those two?

Establishing for yourself which is your preference might help you to decide on a way forward for you to try and achieve that. .
But for the moment I would give yourself space with those who care about you, allow yourself time and space to accept "the new reality" without your husband It is hard as Allsorts says and has experienced. Take care

It was his sister birthday today and not even a card for her