Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Allsorts is neither rude nor cruel. You are new here . I have read some of what you have written. We all have awful stories . I noticed you used real names. It's not how things are done on GN that way we can say how we feel open and honestly.

I am having a really shit day after a really shit week. Smiles and Allsorts have both checked up on me to make sure I am ok. Others here have sent messages with flowers which I really appreciate.

Today would have been my husband's 67th birthday, tomorrow the anniversary of our first date in 1975 I was 16 and he was 18. Tuesday it will be 20 years since he died aged 47. I haven't feel this low and crying so much for 6 years.

But I couldn't let you call a much cherished friend rude and cruel. We all know the pain of estrangement it's a living grief. I have a grandson who I don't know his name or date of birth. But I did get to know his brother's until they were 4 and 2.

My son estranged me via email 4 days after my birthday in May 2020. He gave me a lovely birthday then tried to destroy me .He called me vindictive and manipulative. Two things I have never been. I had a kind and loving son for 32 years. He showed himself to be cruel and a coward. I am ashamed my son turned out to be that man.
My daughter in law who I loved as my own wrote on Reddit after trolling me on another GN thread. FIL died to get away from MIL.
She never knew my husband and he died in agony unable to breath with 6 tumors . Any love I had for her died.

I don't hate either my son or daughter in law . But I love the son I knew not who he is now. As I have no idea who he is. But I love my grandsons even the one I have never known.

I am lucky I have a daughter ,son in law and 2 grandson's who love and care about me.

I decided to try one last time with my son the only the third time I have text him since May 2020. Had abuse I am done. If my son wants he knows where I am. But it will be on my terms and he has awful lot of explaining to do. He not only dumped me but all our side of the family.

Half of me died when my husband took his last breath and I haven't been whole since.

And if you want to call me names go on. But the woman on here have been a life line for me especially,Smiles ,Yogin and Allsorts who all know the pain of a long estrangement.

I don’t see how saying someone having unreasonable expectations is rude. . Our children have their own lives and we are part of them we hope but they are not responsible for our decisions or lifestyle, support yes. I genuinely want mine to be happy. I thought you wanted input not agreement. If you are looking for alternative social housing and voluntarily giving it up to move in with someone, this would put you to the back of the queue therefore necessitating a very long stay with your son and wife.

@Whiff

I’m sorry you are so upset by my response to Allsorts , but I found it so hurtful to be told ( harshly) that I ought to “ sort myself out “ . I don’t think that was kind I’m sorry. And to suggest that I have almost forced myself on my son wasn’t correct either .

Are you suggesting that being new on here doesn’t entitle a person to have an opinion? I did read the other day that you were feeling fragile, so obviously I would not say anything to make this worse for you . I understand the heartache of loss . Particularly of a beloved husband and I’m so sorry that he has died . I would never presume though , to tell you how to grieve because that’s your heartbreak and not mine . I believe grief lasts a lifetime and I don’t think I’ll ever sort myself out .

I’m terrified of being estranged. Not because I will lose someone doing things for me , but simply put , it will be another bereavement only one without any closure.
When I came on here , I did find some opinions quite difficult but I tried to take them on the chin . Of course most people are sensitive because we talk about our inner thoughts and fears . I posted about my son in this way . I aired feelings of disappointment and upset and actually I was told I was going down the rocky road of estrangement. That is scary . We all know this . It’s a shame that before pressing “ send” we don’t check our posts , but I’m guessing we don’t .

I see that you have loyalty to Allsorts , which I can understand. On this occasion I felt a sense of unkindness towards me . Particularly in relation to my loss - I won’t ever let anyone criticise me on how I grieve for the absolutely wonderful man who is gone forever . Yet another man taken far too young . I will accept criticism for anything else but never ever for how I choose to grieve .

I am sorry to have upset you at a time when you are so emotionally fragile .
( I didn’t understand what you meant about names btw . I will check my post for that )
J xx

@Allsorts

I don’t want to get into further discussion with you really on this but what does one do when they are advised by someone assisting them trying to secure alternative housing. The lady advising me runs a support house for the mental health charity MIND and advised me that on the basis of relentless antisocial behaviour in the house combined with harassment directed towards me she could see no option other than relinquishing my tenancy . This is after waiting to see if she can secure a move for me based on my decline in health directly caused by living in that flat . She doesn’t want me in a homeless hostel for fears that I will become even more ill . She , therefore suggested I ask any family members with room to spare for sanctuary ( that’s what it’s called in this situation) . You make giving up a council flat sound like a lifestyle choice . No , I will be unintentionally homeless , a situation that worries me immensely. I have to try to put it out of my mind because of the fear it causes . Meanwhile, I spend many evenings calling 999 on the instructions of the police trying to address the harassment and keep safe . I’m the only woman in a block of 4 flats containing solely men , many of whom take drugs , putting me into a vulnerable situation. Now can you please try to accept that by relinquishing this tenancy , I should not go to the back of the queue ? In fact people are attempting to get me moved rather than suffer some of the unpleasant consequences aforementioned, when in fact I was attempting a fresh start . On top of this I’m bereated for hoping for an attic room for a short while ; whilst paying rent to my son which he could do with . Your perception of this situation is way off beam I have to say . Not getting any support from my son feels like he doesn’t care . I’d keep out of the way , 2 floors away from where him and my DIL occupy the house . Put it this way , I would help someone out in this situation. Wouldn’t you ?

I think my input is finished. You have your own ideas and we just don’t agree on certain things, so I won’t comment again Ladysuesie.

@Allsorts

Apologies- I meant telling me to “ sort myself out “ with grief was rude . To the point of unkindness. I think it’s best not to revisit this conversation now please becauseI’m quite upset

@Allsorts

Ok I think that’s a good idea then

Hello everyone. I am new on here . I will tell my full story when I have more confidence but I think I have been estranged by my boy and his wife .

He’s blocked me on his phone and won’t reply to my texts . I’m confused. Can someone advise me what to do ? Thank you xxx

He hasn’t actually said anything about not seeing me again he’s ghosted me . The last time I spoke to him ( a week ago ) he accused me of being an “ energy vampire “ I had to look it up . Apparently I’m hard work to be around , I’m selfish and make things all about me . I don’t understand this . Has anyone else just been thrown away like a piece of rubbish ? I’m going to try to ring him later and hope he answers .

Welshdragon I was thrown away by my son . Had a lovely time with him end of April 2020 on my birthday Covid rules in place . He talked about putting paving in my garden to make it safer. I said he had enough to do working full time 2 boys and another one due in July. 4 days later a text saying sent you an email and his sister one . I wasn't to contact him . His email was full of lies and assumptions. Called me vindictive and manipulative ended with don't like you mom but love you give me some months. Never saw it coming. From when I moved to live closer to both my children something both had wanted for years. But my husband died in 2004 aged 47. Son at college daughter in last year of uni who came home to help her brother through A levels. When he went to uni told my daughter she had to go back to where she got her degree as she was wasting her life and education doing temp jobs . They had to live their own lives. So they both life like I wanted .

I couldn't leave as both parents and mother in law to look after. But once my husband died I lost half of me and didn't want to live in my home anymore. But when someone means me I can't turn my back in them . So looked after them all until they died .
That's cutting the story very short.

Finally could move closer to both children and their spouses. Moved here August 2019 for the first 7 months I saw my son and 2 grandson's every week . He told me in the February 2020 they where expecting again . Last time I saw my grandsons was March then covid hit. But still in touch via text ,phone , pictures and videos. He popped in after work on my birthday end of April had lovely time. 4 days later text saying sent you and his sister and email I was not to contact him. Which I now realise had already written top of this page.

Anyway I waited until his birthday and that of my second grandson with them as they had the same birthday. Sent card and friendly letter not mentioning the email plus cheque and how it was to be spilt between him my grandson and I always give to older siblings when a new baby arrives so money for my eldest grandson. Plus birth card and 3 presents for my new grandson. The day after their birthday the parcel came back all unopened and the babies presents crushed plus a hand written note saying he did not want my vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near him or his family ever again zero contact. Luckily my daughter was there with her eldest when it arrived. I have her the babies presents to give to a baby charity to help low income families.

Should say at the time of the email my son knew they had found a problem with my heart via an echocardiogram and he knew I was waiting for a bubble echocardiogram. In the letter I had told him the results. Which was I was born with a hole in my heart. To this day he still doesn't know.

After the email I sent PMs to Smiles for months and because of her I was finally able to post openly. And had nothing be support and found I wasn't alone.

My daughter hasn't had a good relationship with her brother for years because of my daughter in law. But they never got on from their first meeting in 2005. My daughter in law has always been jealous of my daughter. But when I visited and we all went out together they all behaved .

When I went to my son and daughter in law's home she would go out but I took no notice this was before I moved closer as I was just happy to be with them. My daughter in law always slagged off my daughter never said a word. But my daughter never slagged her sister in law off . Just never mentioned her.

Once I moved here never invited to their house that's why my son came every week. Last saw my daughter in law boxing day 2019. Long story how that came about. Anyway she sat crocheting and only talked to me if I asked a question. They came to me and brought all the food and my son cooked a lovely meal. Should have gone to them Christmas day then boxing day then my son will come to you boxing day. I said I hadn't got food in but he said bringing it with us.

My daughter went mad and had Christmas day with them. Over the years before moving I alternated between them for Christmas and boxing day. But only since my daughter and son in law brought their first house before that after they left home my son came the first Christmas alone with his sister. But after that she came for Christmas and he came new year.

My son dumped no only me but all our side of the family. He has hurt my brother and his cousins very much . My brother wanted to sort him out but told him to leave it.

My son was loving and caring for 32 years I now have a cruel and cowardly son . I love the son I knew not idea who he is now. My daughter in law showed me some great kindness over the years but it was all a lie. I loved her as my own but no more after writing on Reddit for over a year before my move . But it was her writing FIL died to get away from MIL killed any love I had for her. I thought how can someone who lives my son the mother of my grandsons write anything so wicked about a man she never knew.

My husband died in agony unable to breath . I told him to stop fighting and we would be ok . He died few minutes later. My son thought he could break my heart but that broke when his dad died. I lost half of myself that day and haven't been whole since.

Before this happened to me I never knew it was called estrangement. As it seemed a taboo subject. The length of this support thread shows it's still needed as much as it was when Smiles , Yogin and Allsorts joined all those years ago.

Because I can talk openly in real life about my son people have told me about their estrangement from children or siblings. And sadly it's on the increase.

I am lucky I have my daughter and family. We never mention her brother as he is dead to her and I respect her wishes. My son's boys are growing up only knowing one nannie . And my other 2 grandson's have 2 nannies a grandad and as far as they know only 2 cousins not 5. Great aunt and uncle and 2nd cousins . Family my other grandsons have been denied. And for what !

Post as much and little you want or send PMs to people here you feel you can talk to easier. Smiles was bombed but PMs from me but her understanding and kindness great into caring and a cherished friendship. Like most long termers on here. 💐

@Whiff

Your story made me so sad . Unfortunately I recognise some of the scenarios and behaviours so this seems common . My DIL seemed to be on such good terms with me for many years , but now I’m not sure if this was a lie too . She’s pregnant and this has affected her personality. She’s turned on me and I’m worried they will chuck me out before the baby comes meaning I won’t see him . This is heartbreaking. I have only the one son and this is my first grandchild. I might never get to meet him so this is a huge part of my life that will be empty too .
Over the last 3 years I’ve lost my mum , then 2 years later my partner died suddenly and unexpectedly aged 60 . I am still processing the shock and grief . I can’t understand why my boy wants me out of the picture- can’t he grow a backbone and stick up for his mum ? I could be getting this wrong of course , maybe it’s not just my DIL who doesn’t want me maybe my son doesn’t either - he wouldn’t need a backbone in this case . Like you , there seems to have been a series of trivial events that have given them some sort of justification to treat me badly . I’m trying to do my best without the person I loved most in this world . We didn’t know he was unwell - he had an undiagnosed heart condition. Then he was gone and yes , I have asked for support from the kids ( practical and emotional) but I thought that’s what you do . Me and my sister assisted dad care for my mum for 10 years before she died , thereby putting a lot of our lives on hold . My son was at uni and didn’t see the impact of this on all of us . I have allowed him to become selfish haven’t I ?
I am concerned my boy may have narcissistic personality disorder, he displays many of the traits. He’s now at the right age (31) where this type of disorder could be confirmed, but I won’t bring this into our interactions ever . He has lost empathy, he uses foul language towards me and actually has a sense of self- entitlement which isn’t very nice to witness in your offspring. He believes he’s too good for me despite the fact I am as well educated academically and before having him held down a successful career . He just sees “ mum “ .
It’s so confusing isn’t it to be dispensed with in this way . Even if he doesn’t want full estrangement, he’s definitely pulling back and not wanting to spend time with me . Yes I realise he is busy , but this is such a different pattern of behaviour, it’s very worrying.
Oh well I will try to call him soon and see if he answers . You take care and thank you for your kindness towards me xxx

I'm so sorry Ladys that on top of everything else, your living conditions are becoming intolerable. I think you mentioned earlier that you're staying with your father, and presumably this is why.

You say that if you become estranged, it will be another bereavement and you're right. Estrangement is referred too as a living bereavement, as we grieve for the AC we've lost, who are still living. All of this going on on top of losing your partner just over a year ago, you are doing well to be able to cope at all and I suspect, are doing much better than you give yourself credit for.

I think you're expecting to speak to your son sometime over the weekend, today or tomorrow. Do think about having some boundaries in place before you do. Remember that you are entitled to be treated with respect and civility so if he does start verbally abusing you, tell him you wont tolerate it, that you'll talk to him when he's remembered his manners, then end the call.

You cannot stop him from verbally abusing you but you can refuse to take it. I hope it goes OK; I'll be thinking of you.

A warm welcome to this support thread Welshdragon. All who share here will be sorry that you need to be with us, but glad that you are.

Your current situation is sadly very common and is extremely similar to my own. Our relationship with our d.i.l. changed when she became pregnant and rapidly deteriorated once our first GC was born, culminating in us being estranged just 8 months later.

We believe her to be a narcissist and our son to be coercively controlled to the extent that he became unwilling/unable to fight for his relationship with not just his parents, but his entire family.

There's nothing wrong with asking for practical and emotional support from one's own AC especially at the time of bereavement. I think Ladys said earlier isn't that what family does for one another in times of crisis; it should be shouldn't it.

It seems to me that as well as what appears to be an increase in estrangements, there's an increase in psychological sounding 'terminology' to attempt to justify it. You've referred too being called an "energy vampire"; Ladys was accused of not respecting her son's "body autonomy".

I agree that his change in behaviour is worrying and it could be because of him, your d.i.l. or a combination of the two. Unfortunately there's really nothing you can do if he doesn't answer, but wait for him to contact you.

Waiting is hard I know and not attempting to make contact is harder.

You asked if anyone else has been thrown away like a piece of rubbish; we all have which is why you're among friends here because we all now precisely what it is like .

Ladysu could you go away for a month with your sister or a friend? Somewhere nice, maybe by the sea, walking along the seashore and listening to the waves of the sea is so therapeutic. It can be in this country, so you don't feel cut off from everything. I think you need a break from everything It will calm your mind & ease your thoughts.

Turing page, but may have to shoot off in a mo. as have a colour on my hair

Good to see you back Whiff. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing, I didn't pm as I didn't want to intrude or be noisy as to what was wrong.

Sorry it's a painful time of year for you, I know you miss your husband dreadfully! Thank God for your lovely DD&GC. Take care xxx

Now if I don't dash and get this colour off my hair, I may turn green

@Smiles

Thank you for your kindness I been a bit stressed and horrid over the last few days . I been worrying which is no excuse but it’s this relentless emotional blackmail that’s getting me down . That plus the rudeness and the foul language. It’s not on . I did speak with my son and he’s coming to see me but due to the untenable situation with my DIL combined with the fact that I “ tried to kill their cat” I have been told absolutely no contact with my grandson. This is because ( and I quote) “ he needs to be protected from me “ when I gasped in horror and said I had nothing but love for this child I was told I’m “ a terrible mother who couldn’t even love her own child properly, and the resulting harm has led him to need to offer his child protection “ . I questioned this - was told his decision was final , as a parent it’s his perogative who sees his child and as such , others would be allowed but I will be “ banned “ . I suggested this was vindictive behaviour, so I believe I have stood up to his bullying and on more than one occasion I told him to moderate his language. Of course this is heartbreaking. How can I sustain a relationship with my son knowing he harbours a grudge from 6 months ago and is being intentionally cruel .
This is very hard indeed . I have decided to wait until the baby is here , assess the situation carefully then , see what moves he makes if any . Then it may well necessitate me telling him I don’t want him in my life for the time being . Does anyone have an opinion on this please? Would this be rash and cutting my nose off to spite my face ? Will I be shutting the door unreasonably on our relationship? Or would you cool it with him but let things ride ? I don’t know . This will cause a family rift because nobody is going to see this child now , but his response was that he hoped my family understood why his child needed protection from me . I’m hurting so badly it’s untrue. How could a much loved son treat me in this way over a single incident which he claims has scarred him for life ( me asking about the pregnancy) .
Thank you for being sympathetic about my housing woes . Honestly, there was a time when I thought my son might help me and offer me the attic room (well away from them ) as a temporary measure. It wouldn’t be a free lunch I’d pay him . It would be temporary, in fact he’d previously offered this as a way forward if was I ever stuck , but now gone back on this . In fact my life is such a mess I can’t see a way forward. Just over a year ago I was so happy, didn’t have a lot but I had my person. Now , it’s in tatters .

Welshdra So sorry to hear your son & wife are ghosting you. Yet another one! What's happened to the young, all seem to want rid of their parents! Anyway, stay on here for some good advice & support.

Seems to happen when the wife falls pregnant. Mine happened not long after my D had her first child with her new partner, cutting me off from my beloved GD, his stepdaughter. He only wanted his family in their lives after his son was born and succeeded in getting his wish.

@Yogin

Yes the pregnancy combined with my partner’s death changed everything. My son has been so harsh with me for grieving and maybe not being able to put his and my DIL’s requirements first . I tried to explain that the shock and horror of what happened changed how I thought for a while - it’s hee just over a year now . I could really do with some practical assistance with this housing issue ( he’d always promised me the attic room as a temporary measure if I got into difficulty) but obviously this won’t be happening now . I’m very sad , extremely worried and so bitterly disappointed

Ladysu don't cut of your nose to spite your face. Just keep a low profile with your son and just try to say pleasant things as if there is no problem. Same when the baby is born, send a lovely card and flowers [not lilies] . What he has said to you is awful and very hurtful, I would say this is all coming from his wife who clearly wants you gone and is brainwashing your son to think the same as her.

@Welshdragon

Yes this throw away society extends to throwing away your parent(s) when they’re no longer required. Life is so hard when multiple things go wrong as well. It’s tipping me over the edge tbh x

@Yogi

No I don’t think banning my son from my life is the correct thing to do . I’ve been instructed not to contact the DIL at all so a card won’t be welcomed. No flowers are allowed. He said no gift for the baby . He’s being as cruel as he possibly can be , all because of one incident where I didn’t do the right thing . In actual fact , it was miscommunication not dealt with at the time . I cannot get anywhere xxx

Yogin I am back to my normal self today. No idea why yesterday was so hard. Tuesday I am going out for the day so no time for tears. Going to treat myself to lunch and just think of the life we had and not dwell on the end.

Ladysusiei I made the hard decision last year after 3 years of estranged to give my son one last chance. If I got silence like when I text to tell him I was finally diagnosed with my disability and was sending a copy of my neurologists letter incase he wanted to get tested . Or if I got abuse then I am done. I got abuse . He will always be my son but I am
not letting what he has done hurt me anymore. The grief and pain over my husband dieing far outweighs what my son and daughter in law have done.

Both these pains are early days for you at least I had years between the 2.
Like others have said if your son is abusive on the phone or in person then walk away or put the phone down . It will be hard but you are his mom and whether he thinks it or not you deserve respect. You are not his punching bag.

Would banning your son from your life be cutting off your nose to spite your face Ladys? Quite possibly. Is it possible to have a relationship with a son knowing that you'll never see your GC? I think it may be, but it wont be easy even if the relationship you share is kind, loving and considerate.

I'm sorry, but yours isn't. It seems that he cannot have any contact with you without sticking the knife of verbal abuse in at every opportunity. You've said "He's being as cruel as he possibly can" and you "cannot get anywhere"; you're right.

I think Yogin's suggestion is a good one. Is it possible for you to take yourself off somewhere even if it's just for a few days? Putting some geographical distance between you, may help you to do the same emotionally too.

We have no idea in a situation like this, whether anything we decide to do will improve the situation or make it worse. As Yogin and I have said, we both handled ours completely differently, but the end result was the same.

I totally understand you being terrified of being estranged. I was the same. Despite having his older brother and being blessed with a very happy, supportive and secure marriage, I simply couldn't envisage my life without the son I absolutely adored.

I don't think there's a parent fearing estrangement or when they were initially estranged who didn't feel that way.

You have to decide whether being in this abusive relationship with your son is worth the toll it is already having on you emotionally, mentally and physically

In your place I would be telling him that I love him but I will no longer tolerate his abusive behaviour. That as things stand this isn't about whether or not you ever see your GC, it's about your mother/son relationship, and the relationship as it currently is, is not one you are prepared to tolerate.

If you were posting about your husband or partner, the advice would be to run as fast and as far as you can and never look back.

This is your son so leave the door open, tell him it will always be open but if he ever wants to walk through it again, he has to change.

@Whiff
I am pleased you are feeling slightly better today .
Yes , my issue is that seemingly the death of my beloved has triggered this rift . It’s so hard to continually monitor your every word when distraught with grief. But they were - monitoring every word I mean . They have a dossier of things I’ve said / done “ wrong not up to scratch “ whatever. They refer to this in conversation and I’ve no idea what they’re referring to which then makes him angry because I “ should “ know etc etc . It’s exhausting. The loss of my partner outweighs the loss of my son too . My partner was wonderful, like yours , and would never have treated me badly.
I won’t ever show my son the door but I’m furious as well as heartbroken about not being allowed to see my grandson. People will think all sorts of me and that’s not right . He will tell lies and I won’t be able to defend myself it’s awful . They might assume I’m physically dangerous or something worse which is unforgivable of my son putting me in this situation. I dislike him intensely whilst loving him at the same time . My DIL belongs in hell for what she’s done to me , but I will forgive her if things change.
I won’t allow my son to use me as his punching bag . His cruelty and disgusting language knows no bounds at the moment. He really cannot blame this on a difficult pregnancy or anything else really. Thank you x