Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Sorry typo there, DerbyshireLass

Oh my, it's so sad that elderly relatives are seen as such a burden that a quick visit or phone call is an imposition. Often in families where their relative has given and supported others until they got too old to do so anymore. We really do seem to be moving further into an 'I'm alright, Jack.' society. What a shame.

DerbyshireLass

Thanks Madgran......one would have thought that a quick text today from one's son to offer a few words of support is surely not too much to ask for.

I hope you survived today as well as possible DSL.

My family is so different, as a collective, after the first year we never acknowledged the anniversary of my mothers death. Once I was an adult I’d usually take a “me day”, but I’d never have called my father or sibling. But they’d never have called me either! Im not sure sibling even knows the date

As my mother is getting less mobile I'm more conscientious about the weekly phone call I make. I hope it contributes to reducing isolation, though I know she has some local things going on.

DL what a dreadful selfish person your stepson is saying that, treating his family with such disrespect, I hope he won’t get a penny of you. It could be help he needs first, I’ve known that.
DSL, well done sending that picture. No one now remembers my husbands anniversaries, my d never did, even the first, my son always does., I remember my d saying as I was young I could remarry and holiday when I wanted.

Oh, I give in with DH's family - I just don't get them, so I'm just giving up with them.?

I don't understand this "non caring". I know they work, and have their own lives, but you sometimes have to sacrifice a bit for elderly parents. That's life.

I sometimes think some of these ACs think they invented child rearing, working for a living, and having various commitments to juggle.

Most of us have done it, and yes, you get fed up with it, but you do it anyway. Jeez, they surely think the Universe revolves around them. ?

And, no, they won't be getting a penny lol ?

Morning everyone. Didn't get on again yesterday due to an impromptu gathering of a few of us late afternoon into the evening.

Another beautiful day that we had to make the most of.

How are you this morning DSL? I'm so sorry that you heard nothing from your son yesterday to mark the anniversary of his father's death. It beggars belief that there can be so little regard for his mum on a day of sadness as well as the lovely memories you have.

I'm sure your weekly 'phone calls do help reduce your mum's sense of isolation Mandrake. Sometimes a 'phone call is all we can manage but that doesn't make it any the less important to the one receiving it.

It must bring you some comfort that your son always remembers your husband's anniversary Allsorts. I wouldn't expect our DS too, 9 times out of 10 he struggles to remember our birthdays!!! .

Hope you're feeling better today Whiff. We're having to be particularly careful with the dogs in this heat, making sure when we got out curtains in the lodge are closed and the kitchen window is left wide open.

The lodge stays at a reasonable temperature and we're mindful of not leaving them for as long as we would normally.

We sometimes think that when we look back, it's through rose tinted glasses but I think you're right hugs. This 'I'm alright Jack' mentality does seem to be on the increase and I think how fortunate our GP's were and our parents are, to continue to be valued by us, not for what they can do for us now, but for what they did for us in the past when they were able too.

Good Mornjng everyone.

Thanks for all your kind thoughts yesterday. I'm through it ok, although still quietly fuming at my eldest son but there you go. I don't think I have been so angry with him as I am now.

I sent the same picture and message to both sons. Their responses could not have been more different. One kind and loving, the other cold and dismissive. Reading between the lines of my eldest sons answer the subtext is "move on, get over it".

Disgraceful. My poor husband deserves better and so do I.

Well I will be moving on..........not from my husband but from my callous unfeeling son. I set him a test and he failed, miserably. So that's it, that was the final straw.

I wont estrange him but I will be just quietly withdrawing, no drama, no scenes. I wont cut him off (yet!!!) but I wont be initiating contact.

"I'm alright Jack". ?. Sums it up doesn't it.

Just going to concentrate on me, and the people who do love me and care about me. Get this house move done and dusted and then find somewhere nice to live and start my new life. I've wasted far too long on a one sided relationship.

The one good thing about anger is you can use it as a spur to motivate you and take action. Lol.

I have a to do list as long as my arm but it's far too hot.?. . So I'm going to treat the heatwave as a holiday.......there's nothing that can't wait for a few days.

Spoke to EA. So far we're still on track but sheesh it's slow progress. Just have to be patient.

"If it's for you, it won't go by you". ?.

Time for breakfast.

Anger can be a great motivator DerbyshireLass; especially when we've been swithering what to do, just waiting for the outcome of something. It releases a sudden clarity of vision and can spur us on to act on something we've been putting off for too long.

Nothing moves me faster than cold anger, the need to get my own back, and a ruthless approach...?

Hope everyone has a nice day.??

Nothing moves me faster than cold anger

?

Well I've calmed down, the anger has dissipated. It's far too hot to expand energy in anger. I am like a limp rag. ?. Im still resolved though .......I won't attempt to contact him again.

Twice within the past week I made the first move, card, gift voucher and phone call to wish him happy birthday last week and yesterday a text. Well I'm done chasing, there won't be a third time. I get the message. He knows where I am.

Had to postpone todays lunch with my friend. It's a "cosy" restaurant, lovely on a chilly day but it would be hell today. Another time.

Just going to ride out the heatwave and then get cracking,

DSL understand that feeling only too well..I’ve been listening to The Music and Meditation podcast on BBC radio catch-up..
not the usual sort of meditation and if it helps anyone ..
Hang in there as they say.
Dot?

DerbyshireLass

Well I've calmed down, the anger has dissipated. It's far too hot to expand energy in anger. I am like a limp rag. ?. Im still resolved though .......I won't attempt to contact him again.

Twice within the past week I made the first move, card, gift voucher and phone call to wish him happy birthday last week and yesterday a text. Well I'm done chasing, there won't be a third time. I get the message. He knows where I am.

Had to postpone todays lunch with my friend. It's a "cosy" restaurant, lovely on a chilly day but it would be hell today. Another time.

Just going to ride out the heatwave and then get cracking,

Hope you feel better tomorrow. I’m trying to stop myself feeling so ratty, because it really is too hot for stress.

Onwards and upwards for everyone.?

Don't blame you one jot DSL. I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that there is plenty to fill my life without fretting about people who haven't room or time for me in theirs.

The heat has definitely slowed us down during the day but we had a nice evening walk and have now opened all the widows and the back door up. There's a bit of a breeze at last.

No way can I comment individually to all the posts. But have caught up reading them .

What all the posts show no matter what our children say or do they will not break us. And that must annoy the hell out of them . They can think they are perfect and happy in their ivory towers and the world revolves around them . They walk through life with blinkers on and only see things in black and white. But all we all know life isn't like that it's shadows of grey .

How awful that some think older relatives are a burden and they don't want anything to do with them. They forget they are getting older and one day they will need help or just a kind word.

Like others here have husband's we looked after until their deaths. And we lost the other half of ourselves. But like me had others who needed us.

I was brought up to care about family to some of our children that's a dirty word and only means their wife/husband or partner and their children. No one else not even their own parents. It's amazing how many parents here are discarded by their children but those children's in laws are not treated the same. I don't know if they revel in knowing this or are frightened to putting a foot wrong incase it happens to them .

All here have the right values that we care about others and treat people the way we want to be treated. Pity our own children/ adult grandchildren don't think the same way.

We all have to make the choices in life that we can live with. After my husband died I could have cut his mom loose but didn't as she was family as awful as she was she needed me . Even though she put me through hell I was there for her until she died 11years after my husband her only son. She denied she had a son and grandchildren. But our kids never gave up on her either. Both my children's spouses knew her and what she was like. They knew my parents as well and saw the difference between them. If it wasn't for my horrible in law's I won't have had my husband or our children and my grandson's. So they did a good thing having him . At least he had the family he wanted and deserved with me and mine.

My son's mother in law lives with I sometimes wonder does she feel smug she is the favoured one or is she frightened she will be thrown out any minute.

I would never live with my daughter permanently. I would never do that. I choose to have my mom live with me and it's only after her death realised what it did to me. I never want my daughter to go through that. For a year after Mon died all I could see was the mom who didn't know me and was violent. Then it just disappeared and only remember my mom and dad as they where. If I had my time over again I would still have mom live with me as I couldn't put her in a home. I knew I could look after her better than any home. Helping relatives as they age to me was something we just did in my family. That's why I stayed where I lived for so long not because I wanted to but I loved my parents and they needed me. And my mother in law needed me.

I am no Saint far from it but I don't turn my back on people. One day my son and daughter in law will need help wonder when my grandson's are older and find their partners will those they choose to love care about my son and daughter in law. Or will they be dumped in favourite of the other parents.

Yesterday I text my son because I am learning more about my HPX and remembered what happened to my grandson their second when he was a baby. And its what happens to babies with HPX. I had a decision to make do I check he has asked to be tested or keep the knowledge to myself. So I decided to text. I don't expect a reply but my conscience is clear . Just because he doesn't want a mom or nannie for his boys doesn't stop me being his mom and nannie to 3 boys.

Won't ever text again. He knows where I live if he wants me.

But I live my life to the full without him . Missing him is hard but I miss my husband more.

We all have choices in life. I choose not to let estrangement dominant my life. Have major wobbles about him but mainly about my husband. Moving for me gave me a new better life . I found me again didn't realise until I moved here 3 years I lost me. My life is full and rich. I am lucky I get to see my daughter and grandson's every week. But am not dependent on her. I am very independent and intent to stay that way for a very long time.

Bet you missed my rambles ?????.

Whiff - I think you were right to text. You've given him the info now, and he can do as he likes with it. Hopefully, he will at least acknowledge it.

I feel like I've been struggling with family for weeks - to be honest, my family are fine. We do have to sort out GS and Miss Dysfunctionality, , but we communicate and support each other.

DHs lot, on the other hand, are just so thoughtless and uncaring. One ignoring him completely, because we won't give him money, and the other basically just not giving a toss about his Dad.?

DH is getting on in years, in poor health, and one day it will be too late. I suppose they'll be weeping and wailing then.?

It infuriates me to see him hurt - both sons agree he was a good Dad, so I just don't get it.

Life is all about them, and their wants and needs. Perhaps if they stopped navel gazing, got their heads out of their bums, and worked out what was important in life, we might get further.?

But, I don't anticipate much changing.

Anyway, my rant over. All have a nice day.??

Life is all about them, and their wants and needs

I think therein lies the problem DiamondLily; the narcs in this world genuinely do believe that life us all about them, their needs, their woes, their problems and it's everyone else's responsibility to work around them and make sure that they're lives are made easier, matter what the impact of those demands are. And it's you that's being unreasonable if you cannot or will not accommodate their ongoing financial, emotional or practical immaturity. I have no idea what gives them such entitlement. Miss Dysfunctionality is another supreme example isn't she?

My huge garden erection has returned. The camping trip was decreed to be unwise in view of the extreme heat (I agree) but the RugRats were desperate to go camping. And so it's pitched in my garden!

Chewbacca they will have a wonderful time hot and cold nannie at there beck and call. And no worry about hearing what is happening in other tents ?.

DiamondLily he won't respond but I am fine with that I did it for my own piece of mind not his.

I am sorry about your husband's son's. If they want money then earn it. I suppose they will be there like a shot hoping for inheritance when your husband's health fails.

As much as I hate what my son has done. I and proud of him and daughter in law and my daughter and son in law. All they have got is what they have worked for. With my husband dieing when he did and unable to work had to live on what he left and my mom. So I could never help them. Both couples budgeted for their wedding and paid for everything themselves. No help from any parents . They both have lovely homes and even though I don't see 3 of my grandson's I know they are loved and cherished as they are my son and daughter in law's world. Like my daughter and son in law their 2 are theirs.

There was a big water main burst and my water was done to a trickle. My daughter text me what happened so put water into the fridge and filled the kettle. Their water was off. But the water company had places to get free bottles of water and those who had no water got money back. I found out at craft group about their priority list so phoned up in the week and was put on it. Means if my water goes off they will deliver water to my home. You all know I am chatty and after filling in the form the lovely woman I was talking to told me about her mom. She has a rare terminal illness.

Anyway my daughter and grandson's picked up from craft as they needed to change their library books . After playtime here I went to water my veg and found 2 boxes by my bins. The pictures are what was in them from United utilities my water company .

https://signal-corridor.live/uploads/talk/202208/medium-596458-img-20220811-180051889.jpg%3C/span%3E https://signal-corridor.live/uploads/talk/202208/medium-219203-img-20220811-180126117.jpg%3C/span%3E

Faith restored in large companies.

Good Morning everyone...

Families, eh. What is it with some of them. I have been struggling for so long and I'm so tired of it all.

I wont bore you with with the latest but I have just about had it with my son and DIL. They have now upset my sister......and yes it's all about them......what suits them, their timescales, what they want......

I was so angry last night I couldn't sleep. I ended up sitting out in the garden at 2 am watching the meteor shower. Very relaxing, it calmed me down in the end. There's nothing like watching a night sky to put things in perspective.

Whilst star gazing I made a decision. I am not a quitter. If I believe in something and think it's worth fighting for then I will move mountains. But there comes a time when continuing to fight becomes pointless.

I did think it was worth fighting for my son, to at least try and keep the relationship going but I've now lost all faith. I wont cut him out of my life but I wont be actively trying to reclaim our relationship and make it work. It takes two to tango but if he won't meet me half then there's no point is there,

Like you DL, I don't see much changing, at least not any time soon. I'm done with flogging a dead horse. He's made it clear he's no time for me.

Whiff. You've done what's right. You have kept your son appraised of new information about HPX and how it might impact him and his family. It's what any decent human being would do, let alone a devoted mother and grandmother. What he does with that information is up to him. You have done your best.

Hand on heart I too have done my best. If it's not good enough and as Hugs puts it "they have neither room nor time in their lives for me", then I will take my cue and make a graceful exit.

Whiff. You sum it up so well. I too miss my son but I miss my husband more. And I will not "move on" from my husband. I will move forward to a new life but that is a very different thing all together.

Have to confess I'm not enjoying the heat.....looking forward to next week when it should cool down a bit.

Have a lovely weekend.

Chewbacca.

The impromptu camping sounds great. Your grandchildren will love it. There's a special full moon tonight. It should be quite spectacular. Nice clear skies. They will be able to sit out and enjoy the experience. It will be quite magical.

Due to the full moon it might not be as easy to see the meteor shower, especially as it was the peak last night but they might get lucky.

I too didn’t sleep last night, so hot, now I’m tired. Great idea camping Chewbacca.
DSL, your son will get in touch when it suits him, unfortunately. Whiff you have done the best you can, it may spur him on to get tested, maybe he has already done it, that’s the trouble being estranged, we just don’t know, as if we can switch off caring.
Think I’m going to find the coolest room in the house, open windows and out fan on, so glad I don’t live in this heat all the time, if I was on holiday I would be looking for shade.

Camping in gran’s garden sound great x