Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Smiles.....I often think that of all the human emotions, jealousy is by far the worst. It is so destructive. And the person who suffers from feeling jealous must be so insecure and unhappy. I think it often stems from an unhappy childhood.

What a shame your DIL let it get to the better of her like that, how different life could have been for all of you.

No wonder it's called the green eyed monster. It destroys everything and leaves a trail of devastation,

Sorry your lunch date's been cancelled DSL but as you say, getting a cold's the last thing you want. Goodness, you've had more than your fair share of accidents, maybe we should rename you the Bionic Woman.

It's always stressful buying and selling and I can understand the current economic climate making you jittery. Fingers crossed it all goes according to plan. The good thing is you're not looking to buy atm.

Sounds as if the house and garden is getting a bit much for you now, you want to be able to enjoy your home without the stress of maintenance and upkeep worries.

Oooh so your a trained beauty therapist, you kept that quiet.

Things would have been a lot easier for you had you not been on your own. I don't think I could have coped without Mr. S. and he feels the same way.

Some and a as you take some time tomorrow to light a candle and raise a glass in honour of your wonderful DH.

Now that's what I call high maintenance DL and why not. If we don't arrange our own pampering, no one's going to do it for us.

Yes, our lives would have been very different wouldn't they DSL.

Smileless2012

Sorry your lunch date's been cancelled DSL but as you say, getting a cold's the last thing you want. Goodness, you've had more than your fair share of accidents, maybe we should rename you the Bionic Woman.

It's always stressful buying and selling and I can understand the current economic climate making you jittery. Fingers crossed it all goes according to plan. The good thing is you're not looking to buy atm.

Sounds as if the house and garden is getting a bit much for you now, you want to be able to enjoy your home without the stress of maintenance and upkeep worries.

Oooh so your a trained beauty therapist, you kept that quiet.

Things would have been a lot easier for you had you not been on your own. I don't think I could have coped without Mr. S. and he feels the same way.

Some and a as you take some time tomorrow to light a candle and raise a glass in honour of your wonderful DH.

Now that's what I call high maintenance DL and why not. If we don't arrange our own pampering, no one's going to do it for us.

DSL - I hope you can get some smiles, nice memories and comfort from the happy days regarding your DH tomorrow. Anniversaries are hard, but they pass. ?

Smileless - well, some days, some relaxation and pampering hits the parts that other things can't reach.?

DH sometimes rolls his eyes, but as I point out, on certain days it's either pampering or I will murder someone.?

He's ok after that, and pays the bill without a murmur lol ?

Can't think why lol

Sounds like a good deal to me DL, pampering for you and self preservation for him .

It's actually quite freeing in a way. I no longer feel any responsibility in trying to make our relationship work.

That resonates with me too. It's like a weight being lifted off your shoulders when you suddenly realise that, all the behaviours that you've been struggling to get your head around and try to understand and work them out - it isn't just you! They have difficult relationships with almost everyone they come into contact with and, little by little, you realise that the common denominator is them. As you say; it's quite liberating once you've learnt that.

Yes I agree too Chewbacca and DSL Once one accepts that no effort will be made, that behaviours you can't get your head round are what they are for many more than just you - that IS freeing! One can just stop making an effort beyond whatever one chooses to do, depending on circumstances. It is relief!

I think we all get more high maintenance as we get older - though not in the way your DIL meant it DSL. More doctor's visits, medications, help to recover from injuries etc. 'High maintenance' seems to be one of the stock insults that get thrown around these days with no thought.
I was reading a thread on mumsnet earlier where someone was wondering whether to be concerned about a neighbour. Several posters called the OP a 'curtain twitcher' - another contemporary insult thrown at anyone with any awareness of the environment around them. One person even boasted that they didn't notice their neighbour was dead for several days because 'I'm busy with my own life.' I guess it's more acceptable to know all the buzzwords and have your finger on the pulse online that to be a curtain twitcher in the real world.

Different times, different values. Which is, I guess, why most of us don't seem to be valued by our children any more.

The economic climate keeps worrying me about the house sale too DSL but there's not much we can do other than plod on and hope for the best. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Look after you and enjoy that nice meal.

I agree with you all on the point about realising you can't carry the relationship - they have to do their bit - or not.

It's such a shame about your DIL's jealousy smiles. It sounds like you two could have got on find if she hadn't let that ruin things.

I don't think anyone gets on with a narscistic for long. That is why eventually you have to remove yourself, usually though they do it first. It's realising it's not you that's got the problem it's them, so only they could sort it, which of course they won't. I think they actively work towards removing you. They want their partner just for them, no one else. Heartbreaking for their victims.

I couldn't agree more how liberating and freeing when the dysfunctional relationship your either involved in or affected by, comes to an end because you are able to walk away from it or get estranged.

As you say Chewbacca, they have difficult relationships with everyone and in our naivety, although we knew this about our ES's wife, we never thought it would be an issue with us.

How daft was that, especially we we were aware of how difficult her relationship was with her own parents!!!

You stop worrying, stop thinking about what you can do/stop doing to improve the relationship and best of all, you don't experience that physical tension just before you meet up with them or they come to your home.

We did hugs or at least it seemed that way. We went shopping, just the two of us when she bought her shoes for her wedding day. We were so thrilled and excited with the beautiful pair she bought that when we came out of the shop, we held hands and skipped down the street, laughing like a couple of school girls.

The day they completed on and moved into the house just up the road from ours, we were in the living room with our arms around one another, jumping up and down on the spot and cheering.

Easier said than done but try not to worry about your house sale and purchase. As you say, there's nothing you can do but keep moving forward and keeping those fingers crossed.

Oh absolutely Allsorts she'd been planning and working on our removal from their lives for sometime, we just didn't see it.

Thinking of you today DSL and sending you love, (((hugs))) and .

I think some ACs have a very odd approach to older parents.

My oldest stepson, who I get on well with, phoned a few weeks ago to tell DH that his mother (DHs ex), was in hospital.

She'd had some sort of fall outdoors, and been carted off to hospital. They'd tested and sorted out that she was dehydrated, malnourished and fairly advanced with Dementia.

DH was bemused as to why no one had noticed - it turned out that neither of her sons (DHs kids) had phoned her for many weeks, or visited her for months.

It was sheer good luck that she fell outdoors and not indoors.

She's not fit to live alone, so the hospital have transferred her to a care home. She'll probably have to self fund, but that's where she needs to be now.

Stepson phoned me last night, as I knew I had been through the care home process with mum and dad.

I explained how it worked. Then, I commented that it was a strain visiting these places, but it's how it is.

He replied that, no, that wasn't going to be how it worked.

He and his wife (and adult kids), had their own lives and didn't have time for the "burden of elderly relatives" now.

I did wonder, last year, when DH was very ill why they never visited him. They have seen him once in 18 months, as we can't drive to them at the moment. It's one end of London to the other and DH can't cope with heavy traffic lately.

They rarely phone him.

Stepson pointed out "Dads got you", and "mum and his MIL (also poorly) will have to sort themselves out."

I don't know, some families are strange. There's been no rows or estrangements between eldest S/Son and anyone else, but it's a complete lack of caring.?

I was a bit shocked. Don't know why, but I was. Apparently, she wasn't up to much as a wife, but was a good mum. I can't help but feel sorry for her.

He and his wife (and adult kids), had their own lives and didn't have time for the "burden of elderly relatives" now

Stepson pointed out "Dads got you", and "mum and his MIL (also poorly) will have to sort themselves out."

That is sad DiamondLily but not the first time that I have ben aware of that approach from ACs

Yes, it just always surprises me. If there have been problems, it's more understandable, but there hasn't.

All 3 of the "elderly parents" have been very supportive, in all ways, towards the ACs.

I feel sorry for DH - he must wonder what went wrong.

Luckily, he has got me and my family, but it's not quite the same as your own "birth" family.?

Stepson pointed out "Dads got you", and "mum and his MIL (also poorly) will have to sort themselves out."

Bet they'll be first in the queue when they think there's an inheritance to claim though DiamondLily.

I think it's horrible, really horrible DL and where this is happening, is happening with the generation of AC many of whom have benefited from the bank of mum and dad, and some who appear to estrange their parents at the drop of a hat.

Entitlement doesn't begin to sum them up does it and heaven knows what sort of an example they're setting their own children.

Chewbacca

^Stepson pointed out "Dads got you", and "mum and his MIL (also poorly) will have to sort themselves out."^

Bet they'll be first in the queue when they think there's an inheritance to claim though DiamondLily.

I suspect you might be right Chewbacca. I have observed that as well!!

DL that is so upsetting to read. Your poor DH. I think its horrible too.

Well today it's the 8th anniversary of my husbands death, not a word from my son. It is so hurtful. It's as if he never existed.

DerbyshireLass I am sorry that you have heard nothing. Take care of yourself.

Well dammit.....I have just send him a photo of him, with his father and brother.....pointing out its 8 years since his father died.

It's been six weeks since I've seen him and it's been over a year since he saw his brother. It's a poor show and frankly it's just not good enough.

It might jolt him out of his complacency. And if not, then at least I know where I stand. If it enrages him then so be it. I'm past caring how he feels. It's about time he started caring about how I and his brother feel.

I am done with pussy footing around trying not to upset the apple cart,

Thanks Madgran......one would have thought that a quick text today from one's son to offer a few words of support is surely not too much to ask for.

DL You really have had enough haven't you! I hope that any response is a positive one for you. If not, well then as you say, so be it. x

DerbyshireLass like you I hope my son remembers his dad's anniversary it was 18 years in February. I know my daughter does. I know what you mean at a quick text won't hurt him just to check how you are.

I thought that my son would have sent me one when I had my diagnosis and let him know what it was and how to get tested. The silence was deafing.

Be back posting more tomorrow such a lot to catch up with I am pleased to say. This weather has knocked my balance off and feel exhausted all the time. So not been my usual chatty self. ?.

DerbyshireLass

Thanks Madgran......one would have thought that a quick text today from one's son to offer a few words of support is surely not too much to ask for.

Indeed!

DerbyshireLass

Thanks Madgran......one would have thought that a quick text today from one's son to offer a few words of support is surely not too much to ask for.

DSL - sorry that you aren’t getting even an acknowledgment, I don’t know what planet some of these ACs live on, at times.?

Too busy navel gazing, and worrying about themselves, to look at real life.?

one would have thought that a quick text today from one's son to offer a few words of support is surely not too much to ask for.

It really wasn't too much to ask for DiamondLily and the shame is on him for being so callow.