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I went over and visited a few other sites that are dedicated to the children of estrangement. I noticed a whole lot of finger pointing and accusations of Narcissism especially among mothers. Some brought up this website as if a narcissistic parent would spend time looking to resolve their grief online. No kiddos. Let me tell you what a narcissistic parent looks like. A mother that neglects her children to go out to bars, feeds her kids the same meals day in and day out to buy cigarettes and beer for her man. A mother that tells you that you should have died instead of your sister. That’s just the very teeny tip of the iceberg of my relationship with my mother. I could post things here that would make most people’s heads explode. The point is that as screwed up as my mother was all my life, as immature as she still is, I stand by her and help her when she is sick today. I don’t turn my back on her because I came to realize as I got older that we all tend to reflect our own upbringing. My mother was raised by an undiagnosed paranoid bipolar parent. She was physically abused herself and emotionally terrorized. Perhaps that kept her in a perpetual state of adolescence. I don’t know for sure but what I do know is that there was nothing I did as a child to deserve maltreatment. I could walk away from my mother but I do the right thing by letting both of my parents off the hook. I don’t wish for them to die knowing that they were hated by me. Now if I can forgive my parents who I promise you were absolute monsters to me growing up, maybe you can stop feeling sorry for yourselves and do the same. When they are gone you will never have the chance to clear that up. Now I don’t recommend reconciliation in the case of sexual abuse but if you are keeping yourself away for things such as your mom was too nosy or she embarrassed you a few times, get over it. It happens to all children and guess what, if you have kids you’re bound to screw up without even intending to. Lord knows I had that first time my daughter told me I was stupid and that she hated me for being mean. It will happen to you! Furthermore, you say that you have gone no contact but what have you done in return that is actually quite dangerous. You’re putting the strangers online own personal biases as support for your complaints about parents. You’re relegating yourselves to impersonal support chats instead of trying to mend the relationships with the people that kept you alive and kept your tushies clean for the first few years of your existence. Children, adult children and parents will always have friction. Lower your expectations and see your parents as the people they are and not just as solely your parents. It is disappointing when you first realize your parents are not the idealized versions we see on television but you owe it to yourself to at least try to have compassion and understanding for them just as you would any other person on the internet.
Excellent examples of distorted reflections, Chewbacca-
Knew you'd recognise them Rose. 
Chewbacca I'm so sorry I have somehow offended you and Smileless2012. Yesterday you both invalidated my experience and I feel badgered by that whether it is done once or a 100 times due to my childhood and the way I was abused. I hope you can be understanding. I don't doubt what either of you have seen, heard and felt due to others behaviour and would kindly ask you both to show me the same respect. I don't lie and I want to get on with everybody here or at least be kind, I hope this will bring an end to it and we can all move on x
We're all carrying baggage of one type or another Yennifer; that's why we're here. I'm afraid that I can only cut you a certain amount of slack before I find your posts claiming to being badgered, hounded, feelings being invalidated etc, rather tiresome and I feel that when you demand that your feelings are treated with more respect than you treat others; I'm afraid I struggle to agree to that. You treat other posters, some of whom you don't agree with, rather more robustly than you like to be treated yourself I think. Xxx
The problem with the addition of an edit feature is that a member can go back and delete what they wrote "after" other members responded to their post, resulting in disjointed discussion-
Me too, Chewbacca! 
OK Chewbacca, I will take that into consideration x
You're welcome, Yennifer!
Rosecarmel - point taken about an edit button. Also, I just remembered, one can preview their post before actually posting it, which is probably better. In fact, I do that sometimes, so IDKY I forgot about it for the moment.
Excuse me for butting in, I haven't been commenting much because I'm waiting for heart surgery and avoiding stress but I've been reading. I have to say Yennifer, you seem like a sweet person. I would recommend ignoring certain posters here, this is what those bullies do, same formula every time. Sweetness and light, decide they don't agree with something you say, call in the nasty cavalry and next you will be followed all over grans net to pull up every word you say. You are just the latest target in a long line. Signing out till after Feb 18th now, absolutely no interest in what those 2 have to say to this but if they take my words out on you, I hope everyone else sees them for what they are, I don't know how they haven't already.
Hope all goes well with your surgery Starblaze; we'll all be rooting for your speedy return to good health. Xx
Thanks Starblaze, sure it will all be fine, we can't all agree all the time. Wishing you a speedy recovery x x x
3nanny6, to me, estrangement is distance between people- My mother was either unable to or chose not to engage in the type of vulnerable discussions it takes to heal wounds, hers and her familys'- As a result, there was distance between us- I was by her side at the end of her life in the same capacity I'd been all along, which was loving but distant- It was her decision, not mine, to maintain the distance- I accepted it- If I had held a grudge, we wouldn't have had the opportunity to enjoy each other's company- And love-
Oh dear Starblaze still trotting out the same nasty comments about bullies I see and making false allegations; such a shame
.
Good luck with your op.
Wishing you luck, love and full recovery, Starlady-
Rosecarmel yes I agree with other posts and we all carry certain baggage.
Please can you give a little bit more clarity on the words "there was distance between us- I was by her side at the end of her life in the same capacity as I'd been all along, which was loving but distant.
This distance you talk of do you mean complete separation and NC?
If so then how did you have the opportunity to enjoy each others company? perhaps you mean at the end when she passed from this life. Or were you estranged and reconnected when she was ill or something like that I am just trying to understand better. I do not mean to go on.
Yennifer I know you will bite my head off but you do seem to always be on the defensive and almost looking for someone to disbelieve you. You posted in this thread that you have made mistakes but luckily none of those mistakes has led you to have bad relationships or to become estranged from your own children. That's a bit judgemental isn't it? anyone can have a breakdown in their relationship it can happen to anyone or is your own relationship so tight it could never happen to you? I hope you keep a good relationship and also how do you know that one of your children is never going to become estranged from you ? The answer is you don't know the same as I did not know it would happen to me but it did. Your views on GN are as welcome as anyone elses try to remember that you are younger you have not got to the point where you have any grand-children as yet I sincerely hope for you the separation from grand-children does not happen but you never know.
3nanny6 I wouldn't bite your head off! I so see what you mean but that's not my thinking behind it I promise. I'm not sure how to explain the right way. It's not saying estrangement is all down to the EP unless they are abusive which is sadly more common than people want to accept. My mother was abused but didn't break the cycle for us. I had to learn to parent without a good example and I carried a lot of things that weren't normal into adulthood. So I think if I am ever estranged it will be my fault because I didn't do enough to break the cycle. Currently there are no issues and that gives me hope that I've done enough and I'm good enough even though I'm not perfect. Also I wouldn't blame my mother for mistakes either, I wouldn't use that as an excuse, its my responsibility to work on myself. Being defensive is something I am truly working hard to overcome x
Hello Starblaze haven't see you on here for a while and wondered where you were! I expect Yennifer appreciates your support; not sure which "2" you are referring to but maybe others, including Yennifer do know! Hope your heart surgery goes well, a worrying time for you and your family!
If that happened I would share all of them as I would want advice on how to fix it, every little detail
Some posters do exactly that ...but their honesty gets ignored ...as I said in my previous post. Some posters say that they can't identify anything they did that merits what has happened to them...so they dont knowwhat to sharea. Then they get told that they need to be honest etc etc. But rightly or wrongly they cant see what they need to be honest about! Maybe there is something! Maybe it is something external outside their control...and so on! All common themes in estrangement. All valid experiences
And far from simplistic in terms if second guessing what one would do if experiencing it. What would I do? Who knows. I never thought I would walk on egg shells, but I do! And very painful it is too!!
Madgran please understand I didn't mean anyone here and I have liked and appreciated the people here. I've been down some rabbit holes recently and there are some not nice places. I would assume in those not nice places, the nice people leave, maybe some find places that are more balanced like here. So what they get left with in those places is egging each other on to more awfulness while reassuring each other they are wonderful. Here you get a lot of different thoughts and opinions, some are harsh I know but people get a lot of different takes and food for thought which is good I think x
Yennifer I didnt think you meant anyone here!
Your comment just made me think about the whole thing of what seems to happen on threads when people are honest about their faults or say they dont know what they have done or say they were good parents or whatever; and also made me think about what anyone might think they might do in situations that are described on here. It is interesting considering those things on the forum I think!
Which posts go better? I haven't been here all that long. The ones where people give you the details or the ones that don't? I can see both having pitfalls honestly Madgran77 x
Great posts Madgran.
3nanny6, the love shared between me and my mother ran deeper than width of the distance between us, a distance that existed between us as a result of her reluctance to converse, to not provide her insight, or care enough to elaborate on how our family dynamic went from bad to begin with to worse, a responsibility that as a parent was hers to assume- She chose not to, despite the multitude of devastating circumstances that occurred, and she witnessed, as a result of her decision to forgo communication-
Our relationship didn't stagnate, it simply became increasingly distant as the years passed- We barely spoke, we exchanged cards- I'd visit with her sporadically, with my family- She was uncomfortable in my company- We both silently understood why- I wasn't just carrying my own baggage, I was carrying hers too-
Regardless of that fact, and the damage done, there was no bitterness, no regret, nothing so unforgivable to prevent me from loving her, endlessly, and being beside her when she died-
Rosecarmel I think that it is lovely that you could come to that place of understanding. I honestly don't know what I would do if that situation arose. I don't want to make assumptions about my siblings that are still in contact but they have never been the sort to do that sort of thing, maybe they are estranged to a degree really because they never visited much, one of them only once a year after no contact for a long time. It was always me who did the running around. I don't know if I would be wanted near her anyway really, I don't know if I'd be strong enough if her last words to me were the same as what she always said before. She used to say things like, I was such an ugly miserable baby she thought she must have taken home the wrong one home. You are a good person x
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