Estrangement from the other perspective, what's it like from the 'other' side?

I only knew one of my DGP let alone any greats!
People are living longer, separating, regrouping and so on, far more than we ever did.
Today my in-laws came to lunch with our DD, DSiL and their little ones.
It was rather tense, to say the least. More because DD was fussing everytime the DGC, who are toddlers, behaved like toddlers!
Maybe she thought we were disapproving or perhaps she didn't want an accident to happen. It nearly did but we were watching.
It's a strain for the parents when the children are expected to perform or are compared openly, and not favourably to their other DGGC

I think the expectations of and for grandparents have changed. I barely met one set of grandparents and the other set saw their relationship with my mum as of primary importance and we were very much a secondary relationship. That’s how I remember it being generally when I was younger.

My parents-in-law have exceptionally good relationships with my children and we have all just spent a very pleasant time together (at my house) over Christmas, but they have no expectations whatsoever about spending time with my children and grandchildren outside of family occasions. Occasionally my sons and daughters will call to visit their grandparents or arrange a lunch outing, but with a busy working life and young families they have very little time to spare.

In your shoes I think I would be more concerned with building up the relationship between you and your granddaughter and then you will naturally get to see your gt. grandchildren more.

I'm not surprised either Hithere; 'Happy New Year'.

It's such a shame when children lose contact with GP's and sometimes other family members too. It must have been extremely hurtful for you to be goaded by your D into having a reaction, that no doubt would have been used against you anyway 3nanny6.

If only it were just a matter of setting aside pride.

3nanny6, I don't know you or your situation, I was responding to the OP and the Information given. I responded to the asked question with the truth about how I feel. I wasn't estranged from my family by my mother, I was alienated... As in, she said awful things about them to me and also said awful things to them about me. So that's my truth, if they had made an effort to get to know me instead of believing lies that were told about me, perhaps I would have a relationship with them. I was a child and had no understanding my abusive mother might lie about family. She alienated me on purpose so I would not have support and no one would notice I was abused. My comment was not about your situation, it is the truth of mine when I was asked for it. The part about setting aside pride at the end was again for the OP, who is again not you and not in your situation x

I am not surprised I disagree with smileless.

Happy New Year everybody!

I am trying to keep calm here and this is to Yennifer, and I know you have not directed your message to me so take no offence.

I actually bought the sofa for my daughter as she had an old sofa bed if you sat on it you fell through to the floor.
Oh yes I bought the table and four chairs as children were sitting on floor with food on plates. Beautiful table and chairs but stained and untidy after two weeks but I would sit on it if given the chance.
I kept my mouth shut in my daughters even if her housekeeping habits did not match mine as I wanted a relationship with my grand-children. Anyway keeping my mouth shut was not enough she picked an argument and I would not retaliate she became abusive and told me I was weak and unable to stand up to her and she said clear off so I did.

I am sorry you were alienated from most of your family and to you it was just normal, I expect that will be the case for my grand-children. I think it is a lot more than pride that has to be set aside for the sake of the children.
Also people may say just go and see my daughter but I have never lost my temper or shouted in front of the children as I do not think that is a good atmosphere to be in.

3 young children and the busy life that brings, what can you do to ease that? Why do you need to be "offered" a chair? I go places and stick the kettle on and find my own chair... I think you might be partly responsible for this atmosphere as you are standing on ceremony a little. Maybe a different approach is needed here.

I was alienated from most of my family growing up, it was just normal for me. It would have been nice if those people could have made an effort though, for my sake and not my mothers who was abusive. So it really depends if your pride can be set aside for the sake of the children x

I agree with Smileless 2012 in comment

"Something must have happened that you are not as welcome as you want to be in your great g c and gc's lives" posted by Hithere

If we knew why our family members treat us this way at least we could have some peace of mind.

Sending cards and vouchers is a good idea ExD, we just send cards to our GC who we aren't allowed to see.

"Something must have happened that you are not as welcome as you want to be in your great gc and gc's lives"; and what could have happened Hithere is something that has nothing whatsoever to do with the OP.

That's sad though for you Sodapop, being ignored by your grandparents just because of your birth - though I remember how people thought in those days.
No, it doesn't sound easy 3Nanny6 and I share your pain. Could you choose a day when you know no-one will be at home and leave the gifts on their doorstep? Children are always so showered with gifts at this time of year anyway that getting some later on will be all to the good.
Then take your own advice, which is sound and which I shall probably take, and send vouchers through the post in future.

Something must have happened that you are not as welcome as you want to be in your great gc and gc's lives.

ExD1983 sorry I cannot give you the experience of being a grand-daughter that does not know her great-gran. My only experience is that my own daughter for what ever reason she has always denies me the contact I would love with my grand-children. I am allowed to know them and then I get tossed aside again like yesterdays newspapers.
Its's been since beginning of November this time and no contact and seriously this time I am fully considering I actually do not want the contact again because it is too distressing.

You said that you are not well off and maybe your gifts are not enough, I would urge you not to think that way I just prefer to think that the younger generation have not got that same old fashioned way for the older members of the family
and the ways of the world now are so different when even I brought up my own children.
I will probably get lambasted but it sounds like your D.H. also finds it a strain to make the running and if your visits with birthday and Christmas gifts are more or less going unacknowledged then I would say do not do it anymore.
You have their address so why not just send a card with perhaps a gift voucher for the children and see what happens.
I had already been buying my grand-children's Christmas presents and still have all of them at my house I am just biding my time at the moment and giving thought to my next move.
After a quite unpleasant incident with my daughter at her home I am not going there again the day it happened at least the children were not around so who knows what the eldest one is thinking over the Christmas period as they have been used to nannies Christmas presents.
I just hope I am not denigrated to much to the eldest child about my absence. Life is not easy.

Not really the same thing ExD1938 but my maternal grandparents would have nothing to do with me because I was illegitimate and adopted. I can't say it impacted greatly on my life as I didn't know anything else and my parents didn't talk about it. Of course things were very different in those days. In later years I did feel quite sad that I had never known them .
Children are quite accepting of the status quo. The problems arise when estranged family members are denigrated in the children's hearing.