Anxious Husband

My husband is overly anxious too. I teach in a secondary school whilst he works from home. I have asthma, am in 50s and BMI is not desirable. Yet I breeze through, feeling as happy as possible and he just chews his nails down in terror. I ignore it. I never tell him the stats regarding positive-tested kids and staff.... it's not worth the whites of his eyes. I keep sane by keeping schtum.

Redhead56
Please do not be so harsh.
My elderly husband who was admitted 6 times to hospital in 14 months recently was treated each time for a UTI but given the provisional diagnosis of heart attack or stroke. It was explained that these were the worst case scenarios and should be assessed and eliminated first.
No-one in the hospital or surgery added 2 and 2 together to see that he had recurrent problems with a UTI on each admission.
I had observed him on each occasion as his condition deteriorated in exactly the same way .... from mental confusion through complete lack of understanding to hallucination.
Had a GP observed this, he would have prescribed an antibiotic which would have kept an anxious old man from hospital and the events there which have included a fractured hip suffered under the hospital's care, administration of medications prescribed for someone else, threats by demented people who were being cared for in the same ward where immobile patients were being looked after.
It would also have freed up the bed he used each time for a COVID patient
It was my non-medical observation which noted the similarity between each admission to hospital. I now see what is happening myself and consult with and advise the doctor concerned that an antibiotic could be necessary
Not an ideal solution but, under the circumstances the most appropriate as he has now been kept out of hospital for 11 months
The person mentioned was very wise, I think,to show such forethought

A very good point calendargirl.
Some people are born worriers.

I agree with OceanMama "present him with the options, then it's up to him. Otherwise all that happens is he is just as anxious, you end up carrying his anxiety, and he can use your efforts to carry it as a crutch"

Also with others that your husband should see the GP and may need a beta blocker.

And as Goldenage says you should inform him that his constant requests are damaging your wellbeing so he needs to do something about his problem.

From the website below you will be able to purchase a down load or a CD on anxiety. After you have got it then every day refer him to the CD and remind him to listen.

trhis is a website with down loadable materials for anxiety and other mental health problems

www.humangivens.com/publications/?utm_source=ONTRAPORT-email-broadcast&utm_medium=ONTRAPORT-email-broadcast&utm_term=004+-+HG+Publishing+%28GDPR%29&utm_content=Sunday+Suggestion+-+the+perfect+way+to+learn+something+new&utm_campaign=22112020

One method of extinguishing his dependency on you for absorbing his anxiety may be to preempt his demands by saying "lets listen to the CD" so frequently during the day that he stops initiating the topic. If that happens you start to space the times for the CD further and further apart until you have a reasonable routine.

All the very best.

TBsNana ,Anxiety is a full on mental health issue and he can get great help with this issue from his GP.
There is no shame in this illness any more.
Especially since there has been a concerted effort by charities to bring it to the forefront of our attention.
Even our two lovely Princes William and Harry have spoken at length about their own experiences with it since losing their dear mother so tragically.
Try to get him to see his doctor. Tell him that since the lockdown his gp will have seen numerous cases of anxiety and depression therefore he is not unusual at all in his anxious state and his gp has seen it all before.
I hope you get a positive response from him. Good luck

I too suffer from anxiety and have panic attacks to the point of passing out. I have found doing mindfulness really helps in calming me down, it is holistic, easy to do and free, also helps me with living with chronic daily pain. I tried 'Talking Therapies' which is a free online self refer service run by NHS (in Surrey, Hants, Berks - not sure about rest of UK?) I also use CBD oil, started on 2 drops , three times a day, 10% oil, when the lock down started as my anxiety went through the roof and I would be having panic attacks while watching the news. It also helps me sleep, and helps with my pain. I use a UK company, so products tested to UK standards, so very safe! To get a 5% discount code : maria16 and the link to the website is www.medivita.co.uk/?ref=16

Very interesting thread. I suffer with severe and debilitating health anxiety (as well as GAD) which can make me feel suicidal. However my health fears are mainly in relation to cancer and I’m not at all concerned about Covid. I was under the crisis team recently because of it and am now starting CBT. I feel embarrassed about my condition and keep telling myself to get a grip but the reality is that it has taken over my life.

Your husband needs to get some help for his health anxiety OP and he should try to accept that he has mental rather than physical health issues. There must be something underlying his fears, possibly a fear of death? I’m really trying to get to the bottom of things so I can start living again.

I agree totally with Maggie Tulliver Health anxiety is the most debilitating of Mental Health issues. Living day to day with the very genuine fear, dread and terror is totally exhausting and terrifying. I know. I have lived with it for many years. Like Maggie , my main focus is cancer. I must know the symptoms off all the most common cancers, and news of a rare one can set me on a downward, out of control, spin. Your husband needs help with this. Contact your GP about the anxiety rather than the Covid. Medication will help.

Redhead56, urinary infections are known to change behaviour so whilst your cousin might not have called an ambulance for anything else, the infection might have changed his ability to rationalise. We have got to learn the signs with my mother even though the changes are sometimes quite subtle with a mild UTI. Originally, we thought she might even have the onset of dementia or similar until we realised. Of course, now she has Dementia, it is more difficult to tell!
My stepfather suffers badly with health anxiety having lost his Mum from TB before he was out of short pants and his father from cancer before he was out of his teens. Covid has been a nightmare for him. We have had to resist him stopping the daily newspapers but he still quarantines his shopping in the boot of the care for 72 hours. We have to balance his concerns versus sensible precautions in order to protect my Mother from being completely controlled by his anxiety. It can be very frustrating.

Same problem withan anxious Husband,I have been a Nurse for fifty years and can tackle his problems by giving him an alternative to think about it doesnt always have to be worst senario to think about there are often less dramatic things one can have to worry about,worrying I cant help him with..

Good advice from everyone- we are in our late seventies and have both had Covid. No - we did not have a test way back in March/April - they were not available. However, 2 of my children are doctors - they were in no doubt that we both had it. We were lucky to have had their help and advice at the time - I know. I was quite ill - never had anything like it before- coughed for 3 months, stopped eating for a week, couldn’t taste anything had temperature, got a bit breathless, was totally exhausted for quite a while, various other symptoms- however, we pulled through. Somewhat late in the day, We were both deemed by the government to be clinically extremely vulnerable - my husband has had a kidney transplant and I am on immunosuppressant injections - the nanny state letters keep arriving and I was rather glad that I had the infection before all these letters arrived!! Otherwise they might have engendered the fear and anxiety that they have been so successful in creating in some worried people. I have no fear or worry now. Perhaps you could tell him how much this is affecting you and also - you will almost certainly know If you get the virus - unless of course you have no symptoms at all- perhaps unlikely in older people. Good luck ?

According to the COVID app I report on daily, only 41% of over 65s report having a fever. It lists the symptoms for various age groups so perhaps we shouldn’t rely on thermometers only.

I felt anxious during the first lockdown. I found one of the best ways to overcome it is to go out regularly - even for just a half hour walk - take the necessary precautions , distance, mask, sanitiser etc. The more you do it the better you feel (you start to realise although there’s no guarantee you can still keep safe and sane).

They cant just hand out betablockers just like that willy nilly!

Lizbethann55 I’m so sorry to hear about your suffering. It‘a hard to explain health anxiety to other people but the fear is real. May I ask what medication had helped you? I’ve tried everything now and am currently not taking anything.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My husband is on anti depressants and has anxiety he is well aware of mental health problems but has had two strokes and a TIA which have caused this . I’m just commenting because we have accessed an excellent phone counsellor during the lockdowns. I just searched the nearby counsellors and read their CV s and rang the first one we thought was suitable. There’s loads online . The one my husband speaks to once a fortnight is £30 for the hour . It seems to be very therapeutic for him. Just thought others may benefit?

Golden age - thankyou - lots of helpful information there

Tough on you though Nanika, constantly saying everything is fine.

A lot of people have increased anxiety during this pandemic. My DH has chronic health issues and goes on about the virus situation all the time, watching everything on TV. He doesn’t think he has contracted it but never gives it a rest. He has been diagnosed with PTSD along with everything else and this makes life difficult and challenging. I would see if your GP can help, ours has been very supportive. Me, I feel battered and ragged round the edges but have to keep going! Good luck.

My first husband had anxiety as a set part of his personality. He worried about every little thing and lived on his nerves.

At one stage, he was convinced that he had heart trouble, despite tests revealing no problems. He had palpitations, even at night.

He was 6' 6" and , despite eating well, painfully thin (28" waist, 36" inside leg), always active and fidgety. Oh, and he loved his strong, black coffee.

The doctor told him to cut out the coffee - and the palpitations stopped!

TBsNana you say your husband never goes out. Could that be part of the problem?
If he is stuck indoors he has nothing else to do but think about how anxious he is feeling.

Would he go out with you for a walk each day? Anxiety is the fear of the unknown - fear of what might befall him.
If he gradually got used to being outside, going for a walk away from others, it should help him develop a more rational attitude.

If you live in a very built up area how about a run out in the car?
Can you reach the coast from where you are?
A lovely bracing walk along the seafront will also help his fitness levels, so improve his health generally.

I agree completely, JenniferEccles. I've noticed how a walk makes me feel healthier, calmer and far more cheerful. It's lovely out there in the sun this morning!

Both of you need to read an article published on Facebook by The Barn, Wirral, on March 23rd. It gives a very clear explication as to why we are all suffering from more anxiety. It's helped me enormously. I can't copy the link but if you go to their page and search for 'bear" it will appear. The article likens anxiety to meeting a bear in the woods, fight or flight when flight is not an option. It helped me enormously.