When the time comes I’m not going into a Care Home

blooming spelling thing compos mentis

tilly?

Carollouise,
Thank you for putting into words what I would like to have said.
One person alone cannot cope with a physically strong with advanced alzheimers for many reasons.
Yes the guilt never goes away and care homes do need to be better regulated and run.
I can't visit under lock down and now two residents have confirmed virus as the staff have informed me.
It is upsetting to read comments on here at times.

Dear Dorsetcupcake61 Your letter moved me to tears. In fact my eyes are still stinging. God bless you and your daughter and all those kind and caring Care workers who so unselfishly look after our relatives when it is impossible for them to stay at home. We can never thank you enough.

If only the Government could read your letter!

I don't have family who can and will care for me if the day comes when I cannot look after myself.

I frankly don't think we should expect our children and nieces and nephews to look after us.

DH and I have long since agreed that if one of us develops some form of dementia a care home may well be necessary, if the other spouse isn't to wear him- or herself out.

Various other illnesses could cause problems best solved by professional care.

It isn't what we hope or wish for, but it might be necessary.

I am full of respect for those who choose to look after elderly or old relations at home, but it isn't my choice.

I’ve heard of so many people - even those who think they understand dementia - saying that if they ever get it, they’ll finish themselves off with a stash of pills, or whatever.

My mother used to say the same, and I’m sure she meant it. But even in the early stages of the disease (she had it from her early 80s until she died at 97) she was quite unable to understand or remember that there was anything wrong with her, and would fiercely deny it if anyone reminded her. So we soon stopped. She simply could never remember that she couldn’t remember anything, if that makes sense.

Even when she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea she genuinely thought there was nothing wrong with her.

This is why I’ve made my wishes crystal clear in my Health and Welfare P of A - dh has done the same.

It’s all very well knowing what you’d want when you’ve still got all your marbles - but what about when you haven’t?

* Whitewavemark2*
A lot to do with character?? Goodness me.
There are many reasons why some people have live in care homes. You may not agree with many of those reasons, but please don’t make the mistake of thinking that it’s always to do with character.
Social care in the community is severely underfunded, as I’m sure you are aware. Some families can afford to pay for private care and some families have enough people within them who are willing to share the burden of 24/7 home care, but not all.
I’ve seen the system abused so much and I’ve seen the dire consequences of it failing. The impact on the person themselves and their families can be devastating.
I hope you maintain your robust health and that your finances remain buoyant, thereby enabling you to end your days in your own home.

Nannieannie51. I agree about the mitigation of the expense of the baby boomer time bomb. I thought that immediately Johnson said we were to mix and get herd immunity and he told all of us "some of your loved ones ARE going to die early". This was terrifying in two ways: 1, He had taken the decision to let older people die. 2, Although all the population were being addressed, including those older loved ones, he only addressed those who would survive. This meant that, to him, those doomed "loved ones" were already non-people, as good as dead. The last time a European Leader addressed his Country speaking to everybody but ignoring that those whom he was vilifying and marking for death were actually listening and were members of his country, was, as you no doubt have realised, Hitler talking about the Jewish people. Those of us born just after the Second World War have had our cards marked for a long time, possibly since the 1970s. People will say it's conspiracy theory, but the evidence shows that there is a massive financial collapse happening world-wide and it will be blamed on this virus. Do not believe it! The financial collapse started long before the virus coincidentally arrived and would have happened anyway. It makes the coincidence of the virus too 'coincidental' for me to accept it comfortably.

TATT you haven’t read all my posts have you?

This is always going to be an emotive subject as we all cherish our independence and free will. I see both sides of the coin as a retired health professional and as someone with the unenviable diagnosis of early Alzhemiers disease.

I have made both diagnosis and future plans plain, with the aid of a will, POA and DNA. As for where I will end my days it WILL be in a home and we are at the moment on a waiting list.

None of us knows what the future holds and as I am (at the moment) aware of my gradual decline) I just make the most of life and live in the moment.

That’s the fear witzend together with not being able to access a dignified (or not) way out.

Ive made my wishes clear in a POA and verbally. I’ve clearly stated I am not to be given medication or treatment to keep me alive, which is the best I can do until we allow people to make a choice.

* Whitewavemark2*
I read up until the one where you mentioned character. I stopped then.

Jani and others with relatives in Homes, please do not misunderstand my message. My mother had Alzheimer's and had to be taken care of in a safe environment, i.e. a Home and the people she had looking after her were simply wonderful. I am really pleased to hear that many of you have relatives who are very happy in their Care Homes. I was just saying that unless I have dementia, I would not be happy in that environment. It does not suit the kind of person who might enjoy company some of the time but needs their own privacy and peace and quiet to go home to. I used to visit many residential homes, up until fairly recently. I knew I could not live in one. I have been a loner all my life. There is nowhere to get any time and space to yourself in a Home, people come looking for you. It is not your home, you can't do what you want to do. You have to conform and be jolly and sociable all the time. It would drive me insane.

TATT then read on because you have mistaken my meaning.

My remark about finding some posts offensive was aimed at those who said about it being financial ie we dont want to give up our work/life style to care for people and also those who made out we were bad people for not wanting to care for our elderly. I was trying to say it is not always down to choice. In an ideal world we would all live as one big happy family looking after the elderly and infirm in their own homes or living with us BUT this is not always possible. None of us wants to see the day we need care even or more especially from our own children but life is not fair. What we should be doing when all this is over is ensuring the care homes etc. are the best they can be so we can safely choose where we will end our days in comfort looked after to the highest standard.

tilly? you are maybe like me. My character is introverted as is my sons as was my mothers.

We are very happy in our own company. I like my privacy and space. I am constantly busy when not wasting loads of time on here.

That doesn’t mean I don’t like people - I do very much, but I never seek out company.
I love getting invited out to parties etc but I’m the one quietly chatting and laughing at the back.
I must have my own space or like you I think my mental health would suffer.

That's an unkind comment. Yes, illnesses are easily passed around but just weigh that up against the care given. My aunt has recently moved into a care home under protest, but within days adjusted and now she wouldn't be anywhere else. We are all very pleased and relieved that she is receiving such good care, worth every penny.

Whitewavemark2
I immediately assumed your OP to refer to the government's appalling decisions about the treatment of people in Care Homes and the dreadful lack of PPE for the Care Staff at this time. I agree entirely that it is dreadful and have said elsewhere how upset, aghast, disgusted and in disbelief I am that a Government can make a blanket decision that all Residents in Care should be written off with DNRs with no consultation with relatives or the person concerned should they have mental capacity. Also the refusal to take these frail people into hospital is another distressing matter. I have learned that hospitals are not crowded. The patients for other problems have been sent home. To think of these poor elderly people dying without any alleviating medical support, without their family, just left to die, is too heart breaking.

The burden on the Staff of the Homes is beyond humane as well. The people who looked after my Mum (Alzheimers - very obstreperous) were absolute angels and so caring. I imagine them now, with patients who may be dying, getting no support, relatives unable to be there, just them to hold the hand of the dying person. To do this many times with people you have looked after over some time is an extremely heavy burden. I pray for them.

tiily you’ve said it better than I’ve done. Especially the bit about the care homes.
Thank you

I think you are lucky WWM2 that other posters have explained what you apparently meant in your terse comment. Perhaps in future you should make yourself plainer in the first instance!

I've been hearing about staff on some care homes both here and abroad that have shut themselves into the care homes with their patients to protect them from the virus. My cousin is in a care home in Birmingham; I'm resigned to the fact that I'll never see her again. So many things I 'meant to do' before this happened but never found the time for .

Whitewavemark2 Your response above crossed with my lsat message! Yes I think we are probably very alike! I don't expect you are a miserable old git, as I can be. though! I too like to meet people, have always had a profession (I've had two) involving working with people, and I enjoy a party or a dinner. I can't stand being too organised by other people though. For example, in the Care Homes I used to regularly visit, the able and mentally fine people were still bound by loads of rules. They couldn't use the kitchen and make a coffee. They had to leave the day room at a certain time in the evening. They were constantly "encouraged" to come out of their rooms and mix "because it isn't good for you hiding away on your own". This meant they had to cope with the more mentally challenged people who took their book, knitting, biscuit etc. They also could not just step out into the garden. I would have become a terribly depressed wreck, screaming inside. As it is, I live alone and rarely see anybody. I am disabled and getting out isn't easy even without this virus. I spend ages on the computer following lectures from universities. I need time to lie down due to pain. I never feel lonely. In fact I slightly resent it if someone phones too often and interrupts what I am doing. I also hate people wanting to know every detail of my life. In a Care home they write it all down. This would make me paranoid. If I want to take a wander in the garden, pain permitting, I don't want someone writing it down.

Yes, I think we are alike although you surely aren't as crotchety as I am!!

dragonfly; can I just point out that we're all very stressed at the moment and having people misinterpret what one has said can sometimes result in some of us, who are just about keeping a lid on things, having a tearful, sleepless night. So, when people complain that someone has said something insensitive maybe they should be given the benefit of the doubt given that sometimes we can't always convey how we feel in the written word. And, given that the OP only lost her mother in January she is probably still going through a variety of emotions.

Sadly my mam did not have a choice about going into a care home as she had dementia and I had a 9 year old at the time, and I was a single parent, so I couldn’t look after her myself. She was in a great Care home which was run by a lovely family right up until she died,nearly 100 years old, from a chest infection. If my head is gone then I don’t care where I end up just so long as I am not a burden on anyone.

dragonfly46. But the point of WWM2's OP was to make us think! I, who am self-confessedly too long winded, think her very neatly put and to the point OP was both arresting (of my attention) and perfectly encapsulated the current situation.

If you need something plainer, perhaps you need to wait for the discussion to unfold a little so that you may understand the point of the topic.