I don't think that moaning on here anonymously is wrong. It's very different from talking about someone to people who know them.
I also don't think that expecting your sister to do things that will make her uncomfortable so that you aren't uncomfortable is reasonable. I think Oscar Wilde said that living life your own way isn't selfish - expecting others to do things your way is selfish, and he was right.
I do understand that the thought of being alone at Christmas could be upsetting, but as you are spending it with a friend, why the resentment against your sister?
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Christmas
Sister is Weird about Christmas & Doesn't Like Her Family
(109 Posts)My sister is so weird about Christmas, and I thought some of you older people might understand about family not inviting you at Christmas.
My sister wants Christmas with just her children and husband. We are in our fifties. Her kids are young adults. I have no kids.
She burned with resentment about having our parents or her in-laws every Christmas since she got married 30 years ago. She's got worse about it over the years, but she hasn't spent Christmas with our dad for quite a few years now, and he's recently died. Our mum died quite some years ago.
She literally would not have our dad for Christmas while he had blood cancer but was still OK to travel. She refused to invite him for his last two Christmases and also not for his last two birthdays. So I spent them with him and was glad to do so, given that we don't have our parents forever.
This is my first Christmas with no parents and I also got divorced this year. She begrudgingly said she would have me if I had nowhere else to go, but she's been very clear about how much she detests seeing her family at Christmas. I'm spending it with a friend.
I'm just so disturbed about her behaviour and find it very depressing. Since she was a young teen, she disrupted the household with her moods. What do you do with someone who's so negative? I feel as if I never want to spend Christmas with her, knowing how she feels about it.
How can someone hate being with their relatives that much? We get on fine the rest of the year. I truly don't get it. It's so depressing being so unwanted at this time of year.
Ever since I can remember, she didn't want much to do with our parents or me, starting in her early teens. She just hated spending time with us. She's the archetypal difficult person.
I'm at a loss as to why she's always been this way. I just wanted to vent and find out if anyone else has a family member like this.
NB She's always been the same with her in-laws. She wants nothing to do with any family except her husband and children. I find it just horrible. The only good thing about our parents being dead is that she can't hurt them anymore.
Having different feelings than you does not make her weird, I quite admire her for doing what she wants to do rather than being pressured by her family.
To be fair, anger is a recognised stage of the grieving process, so I apologise for my less than helpful response, at first.
The points still stand, though, in that you can't make somebody behave how you think they should.
Esperanza1974: "I will get over it; it's just hard this year with my second parent having died recently and my divorce, and my first Christmas with no parents. It's an adjustment to go from having two parents and a longterm marriage to none of them being around."
I am so sorry for your loss. It must be a very strange time for you without the comfort of family during the Cristmas season. You will be going through a whirlwind of emotions as you continue through the grieving process but you are strong and you will be okay. A walking partner or group might help. GriefShare might be useful.
(Congratulations on getting rid of an abusive partner!)
I can see you’re having a sad time and are experiencing lots of grief. If you have the means, I would recommend counselling. It will help you release your anger and find some perspective.
Btw, I too have a sister I find difficult…
Esperanza1974
Erm, her parents and sister are immediate family.
And yes, I have a low opinion - in some ways - of someone who won't even invite their widowed, terminally ill dad for Christmas.
Have you asked her why?
i enjoyed christmas till i was 12, then every year after that
stepdad was drunk and i had to wrap the presents with mum, sometimes my own, i was the eldest so i was expected to understand, i helped with the christmas dinner and the clear up. i married and had a son and went to my mums until he was 5 and said to me, why do i need to go out and not play with my new toys, after that it was just the three of us with no sit down dinner, just a buffet and he said it was the best christmas ever, he got to age 11 and asked me to stop waking him up on christmas morning and after that he never bothered about christmas, when he was working he always worked christmas to allow other workers to spend christmas with there kids. for the past two months my mum has gone on and on about spending christmas with me, i don't have a tv and my christmas dinner with be tinned salmon sandwiches with cucumber and fruit and ice cream for afters, recently became diabetic so no delving into the big tub of roses or reading my book with a box of after eights.
everyone should celebrate how they want to, no point in being mad at her, she may change in years to come when she might be on her own, family is something you can't change and not everyone want's to spend time with family. hope you enjoy christmas.
Esperanza1974 my sister was just like that. Since teen years she wanted nothing to do with the family.
I never even once was invited to her first flat she lived in and only got invited to her house after the children were born. She had my parents over much more often because the children were very attached to Grandparents.
Anyway, fast forward, and she is in her 60's now, I am in my late 50's and she intended to stay with us for a longer holiday this year as we live overseas. I had a fall out with my BiL and one of the things my sister accused me off was "you just don't want us in your life" - can you believe it? After all this years of keeping me at arms length, she is accusing ME of keeping her out?
Cutting a long story short, she now wants a super tight and close relationship. So your sister my change yet.
Too bad that I don't want a close relationship with her anymore but I smile and keep the peace as much as I can and keep my thoughts about her to myself.
It is what it is.
Or rather, she is as she is.
Why seek to change her r stress because you can’t
I have a difficult sister. I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas just me and my son. He told me he didn't want to be on his own with me and has just 'invited' us both to my difficult sisters which will be very difficult for me.
Ho hum- it's only a day...
shame she was so awful to your father, time is short and precious maybe she realises that.
Christmas is very hard for some people at one time we spent with my daughter but an unintended overhear from her husband 'not your mum coming again' meant before meeting my partner i had a quiet Christmas alone despite my daughter protesting for me to come to her house but i never told her what i heard.
now due to Christmas ghosts me and my partner hire a chalet by the sea and do everything non Christmassy you can think and have a wonderful time.
maybe your sister believes Christmas is a time just for her husband and kids everyone has different ideas
i would not bother asking again just plan to do what you would like with friends or go away somewhere nice. if she ever did ask again just say thanks but already fixed up.
M0nica
What a lot of hate, resentment and anger you have in you, just because they way your sister spends Christmas, doesn't meet with your approval.
What right have you to demand that your sister spends Christmas, Easter, birthdays or any other special days as you demand. How would you feel if she insisted you had to spend those days as she wanted not as you wanted?
Special occason arrangements are not carved in stone. Seeing how much venom you are spitting at your sister, if that is typical of how your family works I can quite understand why she wants to keep you at a distance, especially at Christmas.
Thank you for your message.
Doodledog
I don't think that moaning on here anonymously is wrong. It's very different from talking about someone to people who know them.
I also don't think that expecting your sister to do things that will make her uncomfortable so that you aren't uncomfortable is reasonable. I think Oscar Wilde said that living life your own way isn't selfish - expecting others to do things your way is selfish, and he was right.
I do understand that the thought of being alone at Christmas could be upsetting, but as you are spending it with a friend, why the resentment against your sister?
It's because I'd much rather be with my family this Christmas, seeing as it's my first with no parents and no spouse. It's quite a lonely world with no parents in it, especially as I took care of my dad for months during his horrible illness. Leaves a bit of a gap. And my sister is the only other person who knows and misses our parents like I do. I live 3,500 miles away from her and my nieces and nephews, and it would have been so nice to be with them this Christmas, but my sister just wants it to be them, so I have to accept it.
It's interesting how many people are saying she owes me nothing, etc. I'll remember the advice if she's ever alone at Christmas and I want to do something other than host her.
OldFrill
Esperanza1974
Erm, her parents and sister are immediate family.
And yes, I have a low opinion - in some ways - of someone who won't even invite their widowed, terminally ill dad for Christmas.Have you asked her why?
She hated my dad's companion, who'd have been alone at Christmas if Dad hadn't spent it with her, being that she had no children and is in her eighties.
But she's the same about her in-laws and was the same about our parents when alive - she just wants Christmas to be her husband and children. It's hard for me to understand because I loved our big family Christmases growing up and I felt it was emptier after our grandparents died. I love the multi-generational thing. I know she wants it to be just them, but aren't they just them every day of the year???
I think I just do not understand it. To me, the spirit of Christmas is multi-generational, generous of spirit, and includes family outside the bubble. Obviously she feels differently, and I'm just sad that she would stick to that this year of all years.
Theexwife
Having different feelings than you does not make her weird, I quite admire her for doing what she wants to do rather than being pressured by her family.
I wouldn't admire anyone for not inviting their sibling who has no one for Christmas, but we are all different. Hopefully I'll have a partner in future years, but I was too busy living with my dad 3,500 miles away from my own home and taking care of him during his illness to meet someone, and he only died in September.
RosiesMaw2
It is what it is.
Or rather, she is as she is.
Why seek to change her r stress because you can’t
That's definitely weird!!!
RosiesMaw2
It is what it is.
Or rather, she is as she is.
Why seek to change her r stress because you can’t
Sorry, I replied to the wrong message!
11unicorn
Esperanza1974 my sister was just like that. Since teen years she wanted nothing to do with the family.
I never even once was invited to her first flat she lived in and only got invited to her house after the children were born. She had my parents over much more often because the children were very attached to Grandparents.
Anyway, fast forward, and she is in her 60's now, I am in my late 50's and she intended to stay with us for a longer holiday this year as we live overseas. I had a fall out with my BiL and one of the things my sister accused me off was "you just don't want us in your life" - can you believe it? After all this years of keeping me at arms length, she is accusing ME of keeping her out?
Cutting a long story short, she now wants a super tight and close relationship. So your sister my change yet.
Too bad that I don't want a close relationship with her anymore but I smile and keep the peace as much as I can and keep my thoughts about her to myself.
That's definitely a bit weird!
poppysmum
shame she was so awful to your father, time is short and precious maybe she realises that.
Christmas is very hard for some people at one time we spent with my daughter but an unintended overhear from her husband 'not your mum coming again' meant before meeting my partner i had a quiet Christmas alone despite my daughter protesting for me to come to her house but i never told her what i heard.
now due to Christmas ghosts me and my partner hire a chalet by the sea and do everything non Christmassy you can think and have a wonderful time.
maybe your sister believes Christmas is a time just for her husband and kids everyone has different ideas
i would not bother asking again just plan to do what you would like with friends or go away somewhere nice. if she ever did ask again just say thanks but already fixed up.
Oh, what an awful thing to have overheard! I'm sorry, that must have been dreadful for you. Having your in-laws for Christmas is part of being married, in my opinion. (Unless they're truly awful.)
When I was married and when my parents were still alive, we usually had one set of parents or the other. For me, Christmas is a time for families to get together and for the generations to reconnect. Otherwise it's just like every other day. For Christmas 2020, due to Covid travel restrictions, my husband and I did have Christmas just the two of us, and it didn't feel festive or special. It was a nice day that we spent together just like any other day.
And no, poppymum, I'm not going to ask again or accept any future invitation, knowing how she feels about Christmas. She's made it clear that I'm on my own now that our parents have died, so I'll just have to get on with it.
keepingquiet
I have a difficult sister. I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas just me and my son. He told me he didn't want to be on his own with me and has just 'invited' us both to my difficult sisters which will be very difficult for me.
Ho hum- it's only a day...
It's so nice that he wants to see his aunt though!
Esperanza1974
keepingquiet
I have a difficult sister. I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas just me and my son. He told me he didn't want to be on his own with me and has just 'invited' us both to my difficult sisters which will be very difficult for me.
Ho hum- it's only a day...It's so nice that he wants to see his aunt though!
He seems to have put his wishes before his mother's, and possibly his aunt's. If he's an adult it's manipulative.
Esperanza1974
RosiesMaw2
It is what it is.
Or rather, she is as she is.
Why seek to change her r stress because you can’tThat's definitely weird!!!
Why is this weird?
On your initial post, you didn't mention you lived 3500 miles from one another. I'm assuming that means an international flight and actually staying at your sister's for a week or more. She has stated she wants just her own family so I would honor that. Maybe she feels guests staying (and you are a guest, even though you are sisters) would be too invasive.
If your relationship is ok the majority of the time, I would respect her wish, and maybe plan a visit at some other time of year.
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