Sister is Weird about Christmas & Doesn't Like Her Family

Caleo

I wonder if the way to tolerate unwanted visitors may be to pretend to be an employee in a good hotel who simply has to put on an act of actually liking the job at all times.

Yep! Done that a few times!

I wonder if the way to tolerate unwanted visitors may be to pretend to be an employee in a good hotel who simply has to put on an act of actually liking the job at all times.

Naturally she wants me to host her for 7-14 days in the beautiful part of the world I live in, when she won't even have me for three days at Christmas when I have no parents, partner, or kids. Even though I'd have been totally happy to stay in a nearby hotel.🙄

So basically, she's free of me and both her parents. Just her MIL and FIL to go, and she'll be all set! 🤣

OldFrill

Esperanza1974

OldFrill

Esperanza1974

And I don't think she's ever had our parents at her house for as long as a week. It's usually three days. The exception was on my Dad's first Christmas after our mum died. It was her turn to spend Christmas with him, and he stayed for ten days over Christmas and New Year, given that his wife of 54 years had died. She squealed like a stuck pig about it. (To me.) She seethed resentment about having her elderly freshly-widowed father to stay for ten days over the festive season. I just cannot understand such a lack of generosity and empathy. She's allergic to family and always has been. It's so odd. I mean, it's not like people live forever. Why does she view so many people so negatively? I'll never understand.

I could never have had my father for ten days, maybe a long weekend at a push. Frankly, we didn't much like each other.

Yeah, well, I guess my sister doesn't like her family either, except her spouse and kids. Both parents are dead now, as of three months ago, so she's free at last!

Have you considered counselling?

In this situation, I think detaching from her and her ways is the best way to go. She is the way she is - hard, callous, and cold - and I don't see the point in paying money to focus on her more. This thread has made me see that we owe each other nothing, so I'll just get on with my life. At least I know where I stand with her, and I'll act accordingly in future. I know to make my own Christmas plans.

And yes, I think that someone who won't have their dying father for Christmas, nor their sister, who does not have a husband and kids to help her through the death of the second parent, is hard, callous, and cold. I hope her behaviour comes back to bite her in the arse bigtime one day.

Meanwhile, the rest of my life beckons!

Esperanza1974

OldFrill

Esperanza1974

And I don't think she's ever had our parents at her house for as long as a week. It's usually three days. The exception was on my Dad's first Christmas after our mum died. It was her turn to spend Christmas with him, and he stayed for ten days over Christmas and New Year, given that his wife of 54 years had died. She squealed like a stuck pig about it. (To me.) She seethed resentment about having her elderly freshly-widowed father to stay for ten days over the festive season. I just cannot understand such a lack of generosity and empathy. She's allergic to family and always has been. It's so odd. I mean, it's not like people live forever. Why does she view so many people so negatively? I'll never understand.

I could never have had my father for ten days, maybe a long weekend at a push. Frankly, we didn't much like each other.

Yeah, well, I guess my sister doesn't like her family either, except her spouse and kids. Both parents are dead now, as of three months ago, so she's free at last!

Have you considered counselling?

OldFrill

Esperanza1974

And I don't think she's ever had our parents at her house for as long as a week. It's usually three days. The exception was on my Dad's first Christmas after our mum died. It was her turn to spend Christmas with him, and he stayed for ten days over Christmas and New Year, given that his wife of 54 years had died. She squealed like a stuck pig about it. (To me.) She seethed resentment about having her elderly freshly-widowed father to stay for ten days over the festive season. I just cannot understand such a lack of generosity and empathy. She's allergic to family and always has been. It's so odd. I mean, it's not like people live forever. Why does she view so many people so negatively? I'll never understand.

I could never have had my father for ten days, maybe a long weekend at a push. Frankly, we didn't much like each other.

Yeah, well, I guess my sister doesn't like her family either, except her spouse and kids. Both parents are dead now, as of three months ago, so she's free at last!

RosiesMaw2

Esperanza1974

RosiesMaw - re. older people, it's called Gransnet?? I wasn't expecting a bunch of teens!

Maybe not but there are grans in their 50's even 40's and I dont know how much they would like to be referred to as "older people"
Getting back to your sister though, why did you think she would be different thuis year?
And has there always been this huge geographical distance? 3500 miles is too far to go for 3 days!

No, of course I don't travel that far for just three days. I have always stayed at my parents' house for a couple of weeks each time. And since my mum died, for longer, to be with my dad, and for many months during his illness.

He died so recently that the house isn't even on the market yet. So I still have it to stay in. I'm going there soon and will probably stay for most of January, to sort through the fifty years of stuff and get it ready to sell. Had I been invited to my sister's, I would have gone for three days, and would have been happy to stay in a hotel nearby to make things easier for her.

To be clear, when my parents visited me so far away, it was always for at least two weeks, and when I went home, it was also for at least two weeks. Definitely not travelling that far for three days.

Esperanza1974

And I don't think she's ever had our parents at her house for as long as a week. It's usually three days. The exception was on my Dad's first Christmas after our mum died. It was her turn to spend Christmas with him, and he stayed for ten days over Christmas and New Year, given that his wife of 54 years had died. She squealed like a stuck pig about it. (To me.) She seethed resentment about having her elderly freshly-widowed father to stay for ten days over the festive season. I just cannot understand such a lack of generosity and empathy. She's allergic to family and always has been. It's so odd. I mean, it's not like people live forever. Why does she view so many people so negatively? I'll never understand.

I could never have had my father for ten days, maybe a long weekend at a push. Frankly, we didn't much like each other.

Esperanza1974

RosiesMaw - re. older people, it's called Gransnet?? I wasn't expecting a bunch of teens!

Maybe not but there are grans in their 50's even 40's and I dont know how much they would like to be referred to as "older people"
Getting back to your sister though, why did you think she would be different thuis year?
And has there always been this huge geographical distance? 3500 miles is too far to go for 3 days!

And I don't think she's ever had our parents at her house for as long as a week. It's usually three days. The exception was on my Dad's first Christmas after our mum died. It was her turn to spend Christmas with him, and he stayed for ten days over Christmas and New Year, given that his wife of 54 years had died. She squealed like a stuck pig about it. (To me.) She seethed resentment about having her elderly freshly-widowed father to stay for ten days over the festive season. I just cannot understand such a lack of generosity and empathy. She's allergic to family and always has been. It's so odd. I mean, it's not like people live forever. Why does she view so many people so negatively? I'll never understand.

RosiesMaw - re. older people, it's called Gransnet?? I wasn't expecting a bunch of teens!

RosiesMaw2

If your poor sister burned with resentment about having our parents or her in-laws every Christmas since she got married 30 years ago. as you say, no wonder she is ready for a break now! Anybody would be.
You don’t say whether you were ever part of these Christmases or if you alternated with your sister in hosting your parents or indeed if the 3,500 mile distance apart was the case then.
I would find that an insuperable distance in a relationship which seems strained at best and where you and she sound as if there is some resentment.
But I hope venting here with us older people ! has helped.
Big girl pants on - there are more days in the year than just Christmas.

We always took turns with our parents and our in-laws, so one year off and on for each. Sometimes we'd go to our parents, sometimes they'd come to ours. We hosted more once our parents got older. For the last five years, I went to Dad's as he couldn't travel internationally, but I did all the cooking etc. Before Covid and illness, he would come to stay with me for a couple of weeks in the summer and at Christmas if it was my turn, and he would bring his companion too. I think she's had the last five Christmases without any relatives, and maybe some over the years when she wasn't with our parents and her in-laws went elsewhere.

If your poor sister burned with resentment about having our parents or her in-laws every Christmas since she got married 30 years ago. as you say, no wonder she is ready for a break now! Anybody would be.
You don’t say whether you were ever part of these Christmases or if you alternated with your sister in hosting your parents or indeed if the 3,500 mile distance apart was the case then.
I would find that an insuperable distance in a relationship which seems strained at best and where you and she sound as if there is some resentment.
But I hope venting here with us older people ! has helped.
Big girl pants on - there are more days in the year than just Christmas.

MissAdventure

Perhaps see how you feel, nearer the time.

You're still dealing with the shock of the death of your parents, your husband situation, plus the government omitting to update you on how things are now,

It certainly is a different life, for you, and you're not the first to be hurt at realising you're "on your own" in more ways than one.

Thanks. Yes, it's a new world when both your parents are gone.

Caleo

Why do you feel Christmas matters? Why do you feel it's important to spend the day with family ?

Good question.

Perhaps see how you feel, nearer the time.

You're still dealing with the shock of the death of your parents, your husband situation, plus the government omitting to update you on how things are now,

It certainly is a different life, for you, and you're not the first to be hurt at realising you're "on your own" in more ways than one.

Why do you feel Christmas matters? Why do you feel it's important to spend the day with family ?

I don't like having houseguests or being a houseguest. My sister knows this, and I have offered to stay at a hotel near her house quite a few times, instead of barging in on hers. I like my own space.

I live in a very desirable tourist area in a warm country, and sis wants to visit next year. Do you think it would be OK to ask her to get a hotel when she visits me? I find guests very invasive.

RosiesMaw2

Baggs

Most people are weird about Christmas. Just look at the amount of fuss and angst with which they surround it.

Oh lord yes!
The emotional baggage surrounding Christmas has spawned innumerable threads and posts.
People need to grow up and stop imagining that either there is a god given need to be surrounded by happy smiling family faces or indeed that everybody else is.
It is possible to be on one’s own, to be with friends, or working or perhaps volunteering and being there for others in hospital or hostels or shelters like Crisis at Christmas.

Thank you for your message. I'll try to grow up, as you put it, and maybe I AM being babyish by wanting to be with family for Christmas instead of just standing on my own two feet the same way I do the rest of the year.

At least I'm free to do what I want.

OK, so this is a strange new world for me without my parents and husband, all of whom were very family-oriented at Christmas.

Most posters are telling me that my sister owes me nothing and that it's fine for her not to invite me even though I have no family or partner, thanks to recent events. (Dad only died in September so I haven't really had a chance to put my life back together after the two years of long-distance caregiving. By put my life back together, I mean re-establishing friendships or making new ones, getting involved in community stuff that I never had time for before, and/or meeting a new partner.)

However, if the way that people do things now is to be in their nuclear bubble, and that no one owes anyone anything if they're not your spouse or kid, then that means I am very free. I am FREE to do what I want at Christmas at last, which might actually be quite nice. And that I don't ever need to worry about her at Christmas either, no matter what's going on with her.

In other words, if she's burden-free of me no matter the circs, then the opposite applies, too.

So I won't give her another thought where Christmas is concerned.

My parents were quite old-fashioned and I guess I am too, so I just need to get my head around the more "modern" way of things, now that I'm not in that bubble. I think Christmas has changed without me really noticing it. In my somewhat old-fashioned world it was always very family-oriented, and now it seems to be everyone for themselves. Which is fine, I just wish the government had written to let me know, haha!

Baggs

Most people are weird about Christmas. Just look at the amount of fuss and angst with which they surround it.

Oh lord yes!
The emotional baggage surrounding Christmas has spawned innumerable threads and posts.
People need to grow up and stop imagining that either there is a god given need to be surrounded by happy smiling family faces or indeed that everybody else is.
It is possible to be on one’s own, to be with friends, or working or perhaps volunteering and being there for others in hospital or hostels or shelters like Crisis at Christmas.

Hithere

"I think I just do not understand it. To me, the spirit of Christmas is multi-generational, generous of spirit, and includes family outside the bubble. Obviously she feels differently, and I'm just sad that she would stick to that this year of all years."

You have nothing to understand - you just have to accept it

For decades, your sister and you have been two very different people. Period. DNA does not give guarantees you are to get along, think alike, be friends, support each other...

The sooner you understand reality the better

The sooner I understand reality the better....Yes, her not wanting me this year when it's my first year with no family at all, after I looked after Dad so she could continue with her life unhindered, and when he only died in September, is certainly making me understand the reality like nothing else could.

At least I know where I stand.

"I think I just do not understand it. To me, the spirit of Christmas is multi-generational, generous of spirit, and includes family outside the bubble. Obviously she feels differently, and I'm just sad that she would stick to that this year of all years."

You have nothing to understand - you just have to accept it

For decades, your sister and you have been two very different people. Period. DNA does not give guarantees you are to get along, think alike, be friends, support each other...

The sooner you understand reality the better

I'm a bit like your sister. I hate entertaining or being entertained at Christmas but I do it because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. I hope they don't realise