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Friend hijacks conversations
(76 Posts)I have a group of local friends I socialise with regularly and one of them (I'll call her Beryl) tends to dominate the conversation whenever we are all together. It's really getting quite tiring now and although we all love her dearly it's getting to the point when we don't want to invite her when we go out. Last Saturday was a prime example. I have a very old friend who doesn't live locally (I'll call her Ann), so although none of the group have ever met her they know quite a lot about her as I often speak of her. This friend has been very unwell over the past few years and on Saturday one of the group inquired how she was. I started to tell them and Beryl immediately took over the conversation telling them things about Ann that I had told her previously! I was hoping someone would say 'oh! I didn't know you knew Ann' but unfortunately they didn't. This kind of thing happens regularly and Beryl will often try to take credit for things that I've done by giving the impression that she's done them or it was her idea in the first place.
I really like Beryl and enjoy her company when it's just the two of us but we are all really tired of her dominating the conversation when we're in a group to the point where we try to organise getting together at times we know she's not available. I feel I need to find a way of telling Beryl that we're tired of her behaviour but no idea how to do it without upsetting her.
Can I suggest something? Could someone record or tape a session when she is in full flow. If you could do a couple of these tapes and then you could perhaps just get a couple of you to speak to her , so that she doesnt feel as though you are "getting" at her, but if you can say that you are all noticing this behaviour, and if she denies it then you can play a little of both tapes, to show it is not just a one off situation. Sometimes actually having the evidence for the person to listen to can make a difference. They may genuinely not realize exactly what they have been doing, or it may be that a tendency to do something becomes more pronounced. If you are able to say that you have recorded this so that she can really hear what she sounds like etc., and that you are doing it because you dont want it to end in her not being invited to your group outings etc, it may give her that little shock to hear herself. Then maybe she might try to change her ways, but if sadly she continues in the same vein, well at least you did try to alert her and give her an opportunity to sort it out for herself.
madeleine45
Can I suggest something? Could someone record or tape a session when she is in full flow. If you could do a couple of these tapes and then you could perhaps just get a couple of you to speak to her , so that she doesnt feel as though you are "getting" at her, but if you can say that you are all noticing this behaviour, and if she denies it then you can play a little of both tapes, to show it is not just a one off situation. Sometimes actually having the evidence for the person to listen to can make a difference. They may genuinely not realize exactly what they have been doing, or it may be that a tendency to do something becomes more pronounced. If you are able to say that you have recorded this so that she can really hear what she sounds like etc., and that you are doing it because you dont want it to end in her not being invited to your group outings etc, it may give her that little shock to hear herself. Then maybe she might try to change her ways, but if sadly she continues in the same vein, well at least you did try to alert her and give her an opportunity to sort it out for herself.
I think this is an appalling idea. Just a friendly word would surely suffice. I would walk away from any group that taped me and played it back.
So would I.
Just say “That’s very interesting Beryl. Sorry to interrupt- I’ll let you finish your story” Slight emphasis on word FINISH!
No to recording anyone. It’s a brilliant idea in theory but definitely not in practice.
Just keep saying firmly. Let me finish Beryl. Every time she interrupts.
I have a relation who constantly interrupts. I think she thinks it shows interest and keeps the conversation going...but I think its rude and exhausting. It almost becomes a competition. Phone calls are a nightmare. She is my older sister so always knows best!
Can I suggest something? Could someone record or tape a session when she is in full flow. If you could do a couple of these tapes and then you could perhaps just get a couple of you to speak to her , so that she doesnt feel as though you are "getting" at her, but if you can say that you are all noticing this behaviour, and if she denies it then you can play a little of both tapes, to show it is not just a one off situation
What a dreadful , cruel and hurtful thing to suggest! I find it hard to believe it of you Madeleine who delights us every morning with your full and detailed accounts of the previous day.
OP DO NOT even think of this, it would be mortifying for your friend and could drive her into withdrawing altogether.
Some people like to talk/write at length and if they are our friends, we tolerate this for the sake of friendship.
Beryl sounds like she can't help it. As an aside, I am frequently quoted back things I told others. I take it as a form of flattery. Try not to worry about it. I have had a friend just like this, who at the time could be a bit exhausting, maybe exasperating, but I find that, now that she is gone...well, I really do miss her cheeky exuberance. She was unusual. A bit of a one off. If you do point it (her chattiness) out, especially infront of other people, particularly all her friends, then she may be very wounded by it, and that is probably not your intention, is it? I would put up with it, and smile.
MawsRosie
^Can I suggest something? Could someone record or tape a session when she is in full flow. If you could do a couple of these tapes and then you could perhaps just get a couple of you to speak to her , so that she doesnt feel as though you are "getting" at her, but if you can say that you are all noticing this behaviour, and if she denies it then you can play a little of both tapes, to show it is not just a one off situation^
What a dreadful , cruel and hurtful thing to suggest! I find it hard to believe it of you Madeleine who delights us every morning with your full and detailed accounts of the previous day.
OP DO NOT even think of this, it would be mortifying for your friend and could drive her into withdrawing altogether.
Some people like to talk/write at length and if they are our friends, we tolerate this for the sake of friendship.
Well said.
Instead of lecturing the poor woman, you might be better to exclaim "Oh yes! - hold on to that thought, Beryl, but can I say this first, and come back to you? - (and finish what you were saying, then return to Beryl and add - ) " - As you were saying just now, Beryl - I hope I haven't made you forget your idea - ! " etcetera.
The difficult part is remembering what YOU were in the middle of when she interrupted, but after she has experienced having to pick up her own thoughts again after a pause a few times she might perhaps be less likely to do it to others. Perhaps but not guaranteed!
yogitree
I've had it with Beryl and I don't even know her. Time to be forceful.
😂
I think I might know her!
Please don't think of recording her!
She may not know she does this but to do that and play it back to show her the error of her ways would be mortifying and she would probably be very upset and leave the group altogether.
It's very odd that she took over 'Ann' as her own. Is she very lonely? Does she have family at all?
The suggestion has bothered me ever since I read it, that anybody could think of covertly recording a private conversation - for whatever ends, but almost certainly resulting in humiliation and possibly even connotations of bullying.
I’m not even sure it’s strictly legal without the consent of all concerned!
But it didn’t entirely put me off a lovely day in Birmingham with D1, lunch and then BRB’s Swan Lake at the Hippodrome.
I’ve just got in with the music still ringing in my ears.
Oh dear, this woman may be irritating but she doesn’t deserve to be shamed and humiliated. Surely one of you can have a quiet word with her or just cut her short when she switches into hijak mode.
Not impossible and best to remember this woman is a ‘friend’.
Tworedroses
MawsRosie
Can I suggest something? Could someone record or tape a session when she is in full flow. If you could do a couple of these tapes and then you could perhaps just get a couple of you to speak to her , so that she doesnt feel as though you are "getting" at her, but if you can say that you are all noticing this behaviour, and if she denies it then you can play a little of both tapes, to show it is not just a one off situation
What a dreadful , cruel and hurtful thing to suggest! I find it hard to believe it of you Madeleine who delights us every morning with your full and detailed accounts of the previous day.
OP DO NOT even think of this, it would be mortifying for your friend and could drive her into withdrawing altogether.
Some people like to talk/write at length and if they are our friends, we tolerate this for the sake of friendship.Well said.
That’s close to telling someone they have BO 😱
Members of the group just need to divert the subject by asking another member of the group what they think or don't offer a response when Beryl keeps talking. An audience feeds a speaker. With gentle diversion she may well get the message without feeling ousted.
I am sorry that my idea was not thought out properly and I can see that I was wrong when I read how it comes across. I had thought that if she denied to you and herself that she did this that it was a way to show what was happening, but I do see that I had totally got it wrong. So I withdraw my rubbish idea and apologize for even thinking of it. We all get things wrong sometimes so that is my rubbish mistake to be ignored and dismissed. Mea culpa
We all have those moments madeleine45. 😊
No problem madeleine45 - thanks for popping back.
We all make mistakes madeleine45, not all are courageous enough to admit it!
She's definitely not lonely and has family. She's also very active in the local community - we sometimes joke to her that she's constantly in 'meeting mode'! - but she doesn't take the hint.
madeleine45
I am sorry that my idea was not thought out properly and I can see that I was wrong when I read how it comes across. I had thought that if she denied to you and herself that she did this that it was a way to show what was happening, but I do see that I had totally got it wrong. So I withdraw my rubbish idea and apologize for even thinking of it. We all get things wrong sometimes so that is my rubbish mistake to be ignored and dismissed. Mea culpa
I do this too.
Thanks for returning to put the record straight, very much appreciated. 💐
Exactly This! It is a delicate way of making the point, without trying to humiliate her in front of everyone. If she carries on though, that is when my mouth would run away with my words!! It would open and the words would be out before I could rewind them back in!! 🤣
Poor Beryl, it is a delicate situation and I think your advice is spot on. @fallingstar
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