What would you do about this family message?

Personally I think you should do what is best for yourself. Some people just make your health problems even worse.
Having gone six years without contact it's very strange, as for your children just tell them that you don't want to tell them the whole story.
Take care of yourself

Can you say more about what she has actually said?
Does it require action on your part, or just acknowledgement?

What does the message say? Does she want to meet up?

I think if it were me, for my OH’s sake I’d reply in a friendly way and wait and see what happens next.

So the olive branch response I suppose. It doesn’t sound as though she lives near you.

Just that she is thinking of us on my OH's birthday. One sentence.

winterwhite

I think if it were me, for my OH’s sake I’d reply in a friendly way and wait and see what happens next.

So the olive branch response I suppose. It doesn’t sound as though she lives near you.

My OH had very little contact with her when he was alive. They did not come and see him during the years of his long drawn out deterioration and dying.

Say, “Thank you” and leave it at that.
Take care of yourself 💐

The problem for me is that I do not trust her - with some justification! I feel I do not want to open a door and regret it. I am not well enough to deal with her.

Afraid I d probably not renew this ‘poor’ relationship, you have to think of yourself now, and it doesn’t sound as if she’s ever thought much about you. So I d say yes delete the message and forget about her, as she obviously does you when she doesn’t want sonething.

I feel you should step away from
this situation, 6 years is a long time and she is your sister in law not your sister, also looks like even your OH didn’t get along with her. Your call of course but for your own wellbeing I think you need to ignore this message and get on with your life.

Don’t bother with her. Sometimes it’s better to cut ties for your own peace of mind.

Either as MG55 suggests or ignore completely. I cannot see that she will bring anything to your life - she’s missed the boat.

Luckygirl3

The problem for me is that I do not trust her - with some justification! I feel I do not want to open a door and regret it. I am not well enough to deal with her.

Then don’t respond Luckygirl………focus on your health as you do not need the stress that might come out of the woodwork if you let her back into your life. Take care of yourself 💐

When my FIL died, she and her OH rolled up early for the funeral unbeknownst to us, got into his flat and put anything of value into their camper van. They drove away right after the funeral service and went back abroad and left my OH and I with the massive task of clearing the flat and sorting everything out.
We were left with his electric ear wax remover, complete with wax!
I did not care that they had taken the stuff ... less for us to deal with and we did not want it ... but not to discuss it with my OH and to do dive in and grab and then leave..... not great.

I do not need this in my life.

Just leave it.

Look after yourself and do not start any communication, it will only lead to further messages and unknown agenda/s, and put constant anxiety into your life from now on.

You don't owe her anything now and you must put your health and good mental health first. This is your time of quiet, peace and contemplation - not other people's dramas and intrusion. IMHO.

Personally I would not contact anyone who had lost a loved one 6 years after their passing, using their 'birthday' as a sly way in.

It smells like she’s after something, I’d ignore it.

There’s your answer, then, Luckygirl. You will never trust or respect her and she has already disrespected you, so I think the decision is clear cut. Don’t bother to reply, then you can stop mulling over it and get back to doing what makes you happy.

I think I would ignore it. Tell your children that you don't want to go into the ins and outs because you wanted them to make up their own mind. They will know that she did not visit when your husband was ill and they are not likely to want to have a relationship with her.
Take care of yourself, delete the email and try your best to put it out of your mind, although I realise that is not easy.

I’d ignore her

To the OP…avoid her at all costs!

Well I think we are all in agreement … ignore the message and her

Yes, ignore it.She can't ignore you for six years and then pop up as though nothing has happened.
Get on with your own life and don't let her stir things up for you .

Trust your gut instinct, it will usually lead you to the right decision.

Delete and block!