Making all the effort.

Do you offer accommodation? I have a family member who apparently really wanted me to visit (international flight and long drive), but they don't want to offer us a bed. I don't mind that but it makes the logistics much harder, so I don't go.

SpinDriftCoastal

I think some people like organising and being sociable and others who sit back and see what happens. They are often involved with their home, pets, family, and garden and their world does not progress beyond that. There are others who have get up and go and like company, to travel etc. Some people just can't be bothered or don't have the health and resilience they once had. We are all different. It depends if they light up your world. If they do, stay in contact. If they cast a shadow, then let it go.

It doesn't mean that you have no 'get up and go' if you enjoy time in your garden, with family, in your home and with pets. I enjoy those things much more than passing time by lunching, having endless coffees and cakes out, wasting precious time in airports etc. I spent the best part of my working life travelling and living abroard in many countries on different continents and I found no better place on earth than than my home and garden no better company than my pets or family. Many people know that instinctively without endless travel as well. It's not that people like me have no 'get up and go' it's just that we have found our our own slice of heaven.

Erica23

I have two friends like this and I find it so frustrating, like you we have a great time when we’re together.
I’m in a stand off at the moment with a friend, I phoned her the last three times, so have decided to wait it out, last time I did this it was ten weeks ! Then I think what the heck life is too short.
They’re obviously not as bothered as me. 🥹

I did that once and never heard a word from her again.

I felt a fool really.

I think it's just a habit some people develop over the years, regardless of what's going on in their lives.. they become used to the person doing all the organisation and never initiate themselves.
Possibly, they have no idea that the 'organiser' is getting fed up.
I have stepped back from being the one who always calls, messages first and am giving my time and energy to people, including siblings, who are equal in contacting and organising and as a result, I've cleaned up my social calendar and am happier for it.
Those that don't initiate may be wondering.... but they'll have to message me to find out!

I think some people like organising and being sociable and others who sit back and see what happens. They are often involved with their home, pets, family, and garden and their world does not progress beyond that. There are others who have get up and go and like company, to travel etc. Some people just can't be bothered or don't have the health and resilience they once had. We are all different. It depends if they light up your world. If they do, stay in contact. If they cast a shadow, then let it go.

Yes, it's funny how friendships work.
I have someone who I've known all my life but I nearly always have to go and see her.
She lives out in the country and its a pleasant trip but I think she regards me as the more capable one!

I organise so many things for people: an annual arts festival, Christmas events, coach trips to concerts. Honestly I think people are just so used to me being on the organizing end of things that they forget I might like to be organised for sometimes.

I could not go on an outing to a garden with friends today because my breathlessness is bad - grrr!

I try and let it wash by me .......

I think communication should be equal. However, if you're the one who has akways done the iniating, it becomes your role. People become lazy and take you for granted.
Is it worth airing this with them?

There is one (well over 50 years) long term friend who calls us twice a year. I am expected to call her weekly or there are questions about what I’ve been doing. She’s over 60 miles away, we do visit for a day as she can’t accommodate us. I’m sort of relieved she can’t come for a stay now, her health doesn’t allow, as coming here was a holiday meaning she did absolutely nothing, not even take a plate into the kitchen.

I often wonder why we keep it going, two answers I think. We have a long history and there have been positives in the past, also her terminally ill husband asked mine to look after her. I so wish he hadn’t as Mr C takes that seriously which was fine 15 years ago, less so now.

Two other friendships of shorter duration have changed shape as I was always the one making arrangements. I stopped and we still make occasional remote contact, just don’t see each other which feel fine

I have two friends like this and I find it so frustrating, like you we have a great time when we’re together.
I’m in a stand off at the moment with a friend, I phoned her the last three times, so have decided to wait it out, last time I did this it was ten weeks ! Then I think what the heck life is too short.
They’re obviously not as bothered as me. 🥹

butterandjam

@Newatthis

* there is one friend who has never (after 20 years of friendship) visited me as her husband won't travel North!!!*

Has she never done anything /gone anywhere on her own? For 20 years???

I was going to write exactly this. Are they joined at the hip?

Like MawsRosie, I find I am mostly the one to suggest, plan and organise things.
There are three old school friends who I've met up with 2 or 3 times a year for decades, generally because I instigate it. None of them is more than 40 miles away so not huge distances to travel.

Last autumn I had a big party to mark a nilestone birthday to which they came and appeared to enjoy themselves. We all exchanged yuletide greetings and then I decided to wait and see how long it might be before one of them suggested a get-together.

Here we are in mid-July and I'm still waiting ....

@Newatthis

* there is one friend who has never (after 20 years of friendship) visited me as her husband won't travel North!!!*

Has she never done anything /gone anywhere on her own? For 20 years???

I often feel the same way - sadly.
I’m pretty used to it but sometimes wonder why it’s (nearly) always me, but I suppose if I want something nice to happen I will have to initiate it myself.
That’s life!