Making all the effort.

I often feel the same way - sadly.
I’m pretty used to it but sometimes wonder why it’s (nearly) always me, but I suppose if I want something nice to happen I will have to initiate it myself.
That’s life!

@Newatthis

* there is one friend who has never (after 20 years of friendship) visited me as her husband won't travel North!!!*

Has she never done anything /gone anywhere on her own? For 20 years???

butterandjam

@Newatthis

* there is one friend who has never (after 20 years of friendship) visited me as her husband won't travel North!!!*

Has she never done anything /gone anywhere on her own? For 20 years???

I was going to write exactly this. Are they joined at the hip?

Like MawsRosie, I find I am mostly the one to suggest, plan and organise things.
There are three old school friends who I've met up with 2 or 3 times a year for decades, generally because I instigate it. None of them is more than 40 miles away so not huge distances to travel.

Last autumn I had a big party to mark a nilestone birthday to which they came and appeared to enjoy themselves. We all exchanged yuletide greetings and then I decided to wait and see how long it might be before one of them suggested a get-together.

Here we are in mid-July and I'm still waiting ....

I have two friends like this and I find it so frustrating, like you we have a great time when we’re together.
I’m in a stand off at the moment with a friend, I phoned her the last three times, so have decided to wait it out, last time I did this it was ten weeks ! Then I think what the heck life is too short.
They’re obviously not as bothered as me. 🥹

There is one (well over 50 years) long term friend who calls us twice a year. I am expected to call her weekly or there are questions about what I’ve been doing. She’s over 60 miles away, we do visit for a day as she can’t accommodate us. I’m sort of relieved she can’t come for a stay now, her health doesn’t allow, as coming here was a holiday meaning she did absolutely nothing, not even take a plate into the kitchen.

I often wonder why we keep it going, two answers I think. We have a long history and there have been positives in the past, also her terminally ill husband asked mine to look after her. I so wish he hadn’t as Mr C takes that seriously which was fine 15 years ago, less so now.

Two other friendships of shorter duration have changed shape as I was always the one making arrangements. I stopped and we still make occasional remote contact, just don’t see each other which feel fine

I think communication should be equal. However, if you're the one who has akways done the iniating, it becomes your role. People become lazy and take you for granted.
Is it worth airing this with them?

I organise so many things for people: an annual arts festival, Christmas events, coach trips to concerts. Honestly I think people are just so used to me being on the organizing end of things that they forget I might like to be organised for sometimes.

I could not go on an outing to a garden with friends today because my breathlessness is bad - grrr!

I try and let it wash by me .......

Yes, it's funny how friendships work.
I have someone who I've known all my life but I nearly always have to go and see her.
She lives out in the country and its a pleasant trip but I think she regards me as the more capable one!

I think some people like organising and being sociable and others who sit back and see what happens. They are often involved with their home, pets, family, and garden and their world does not progress beyond that. There are others who have get up and go and like company, to travel etc. Some people just can't be bothered or don't have the health and resilience they once had. We are all different. It depends if they light up your world. If they do, stay in contact. If they cast a shadow, then let it go.

I think it's just a habit some people develop over the years, regardless of what's going on in their lives.. they become used to the person doing all the organisation and never initiate themselves.
Possibly, they have no idea that the 'organiser' is getting fed up.
I have stepped back from being the one who always calls, messages first and am giving my time and energy to people, including siblings, who are equal in contacting and organising and as a result, I've cleaned up my social calendar and am happier for it.
Those that don't initiate may be wondering.... but they'll have to message me to find out!

Erica23

I have two friends like this and I find it so frustrating, like you we have a great time when we’re together.
I’m in a stand off at the moment with a friend, I phoned her the last three times, so have decided to wait it out, last time I did this it was ten weeks ! Then I think what the heck life is too short.
They’re obviously not as bothered as me. 🥹

I did that once and never heard a word from her again.

I felt a fool really.

SpinDriftCoastal

I think some people like organising and being sociable and others who sit back and see what happens. They are often involved with their home, pets, family, and garden and their world does not progress beyond that. There are others who have get up and go and like company, to travel etc. Some people just can't be bothered or don't have the health and resilience they once had. We are all different. It depends if they light up your world. If they do, stay in contact. If they cast a shadow, then let it go.

It doesn't mean that you have no 'get up and go' if you enjoy time in your garden, with family, in your home and with pets. I enjoy those things much more than passing time by lunching, having endless coffees and cakes out, wasting precious time in airports etc. I spent the best part of my working life travelling and living abroard in many countries on different continents and I found no better place on earth than than my home and garden no better company than my pets or family. Many people know that instinctively without endless travel as well. It's not that people like me have no 'get up and go' it's just that we have found our our own slice of heaven.

Do you offer accommodation? I have a family member who apparently really wanted me to visit (international flight and long drive), but they don't want to offer us a bed. I don't mind that but it makes the logistics much harder, so I don't go.

As a PP said above ...life is too short.

So if it were me I would carry on being the one to keep the contact going, but I would be a little bit miffed if I left it a long time and no one asked if I were OK.

The friend whose DH won't travel North is a bit sad. Surely she could have travelled on her own. Maybe a bit late now.

My closest friend is someone I hardly ever contact and who hardly ever contacts me.

We are both very content I think with our friendship but always say "let's not leave it another eight months before we get together next time!"

I do think it's mostly her who initiates the meeting though...

I still love her a lot.

NotSpaghetti
Can I ask why you rarely initiate contact?
Is it because of the pattern of her being the main contactor over the years?

srn63

SpinDriftCoastal

I think some people like organising and being sociable and others who sit back and see what happens. They are often involved with their home, pets, family, and garden and their world does not progress beyond that. There are others who have get up and go and like company, to travel etc. Some people just can't be bothered or don't have the health and resilience they once had. We are all different. It depends if they light up your world. If they do, stay in contact. If they cast a shadow, then let it go.

It doesn't mean that you have no 'get up and go' if you enjoy time in your garden, with family, in your home and with pets. I enjoy those things much more than passing time by lunching, having endless coffees and cakes out, wasting precious time in airports etc. I spent the best part of my working life travelling and living abroard in many countries on different continents and I found no better place on earth than than my home and garden no better company than my pets or family. Many people know that instinctively without endless travel as well. It's not that people like me have no 'get up and go' it's just that we have found our our own slice of heaven.

Please note I use the phrase 'we are all different'! All these opinions proffered, are just that, opinions! Mine was simply my opinion, yours was your opinion.

MarieElla

NotSpaghetti
Can I ask why you rarely initiate contact?
Is it because of the pattern of her being the main contactor over the years?

I was going to ask this too. Might help us to understand how some friendships work.

MarieElla

NotSpaghetti
Can I ask why you rarely initiate contact?
Is it because of the pattern of her being the main contactor over the years?

I have no idea...

Maybe because they generally suggest a specific date for something she and her husband want to do together and that they can "fit in".
We always meet as a 4.
We don't meet up just the two of us.
This last get together was suggested by her husband to mine...

I suppose they also do a lot of childcare (they have had a very sick grandson) and are generally booked up weeks in advance.

I am also quietly content on my own - as I'm lucky to have a really great husband who is truly my best friend.

I hold her in my heart and think of her a lot though. Not contacting someone doesn't mean no love.

I have found that the best way to keep friendships alive is to plan a regular meeting (weekly, monthly, quarterly, whatever...). Make a date for the next get together each time you all meet. Sometimes the plans don't work out but the expectation is that communication happens between us all and it's everybody's responsibility to figure out when to meet, not just mine. It usually works well and I have friendships over time and place that have endured. The ones that have dropped contact, stay dropped. As has been said, life is too short to expend energy where it is not returned...

By the way, lunch, coffee and cake etc was never part of out history once our children no longer played together and had sleepovers...

We met up before/after conferences or at festivals or met to walk or at a pub.
Occasionally we met/meet "half way" for a curry.

I have quite a number of regular local commitments which keep me busy several times a week and I enjoy the company of fellow members, but we almost never meet up as friends outside the groups.

I have two separate groups of long- standing friends, one lot from university days, and others from the area where I used to live, but though we still communicate occasionally and always at Christmas time, we almost never meet up. When we do, it is as if we have never been apart.

But now it is as if nobody can be bothered to make the effort any more. Who will make the first move?

Or else are we just all busy in our own little worlds?
I think this is just the way it is with many people.
The longer it goes on, the stranger it might seem to suggest meeting up out of the blue, maybe?

I learned long ago that most friends I had, had an agenda. One used to come round to my house every day when our children were small, mainly during winter! I used to provide heat and food. Another didn’t drive so that every time she needed to be somewhere she’d ask me for a lift and never offered petrol money. This same friend asked me to collect her son if she was working because we lived in the same street. Then there was the friend who tried to dominate my every move and get me to go out with her so that she could see the married man she fancied. For over a year she was around me constantly as we were studying together. Once I got into a relationship she didn’t like it and tried to put me off him, luckily it didn’t work and she eventually found someone else to cling to. I have one friend now, who I see once a fortnight. We have lovely chats and that’s enough for me.

I have some friends who phone or text me as often as I do them, others whom I only hear from when I get in touch, and few of them evince any real interest in travelling to stay here , or meet me elsewhere.

I have accepted that this is the way it is, and have tried and ,to a certain extent , suceeded in having a circle of friends in the neighbourhood who drop in, or ring and invite me to theirs, or invite themselves here.

I too have a friend I have not seen for twenty years, althoug h we e-mail often. She has been open and said her husband dislikes travelling to such an extent that going away even for a few days is not really an option.

Others - well I suspect there are reasons there too, but do not know what they may be - we cannot know how others are placed if they will not speak candidly to us, after all.