People who drop out at the last minute

Doodledog

I'm hosting a lunch this afternoon for friends, and one has pulled out this morning. I'm finding that this happens (not always the same friend) more and more often with various arrangements, and it drives me mad.

It feels as though (some) people wait until the day to decide if they will honour invitations they've accepted, and are happy to drop out if they get a better offer or don't feel like it. I have shopped and prepared lunch for four, and will now have more leftovers than I can use, so have wasted time and money. I chose the menu to accommodate the tastes of all guests, and would have done something different had I known the 'missing' one wasn't coming. Also, we are meeting to arrange something, so will have to run any decisions past her before they are finalised, so it's all a bit pointless really.

It's not just today though - I find that it's increasingly difficult to rely on people to turn up, whether it's social meetings, hobbies or organisations. Often those who let others down rarely host anything themselves, so maybe they don't realise what is involved? Or is it just selfishness/disrespect? Often people cite 'anxiety' as a reason for leaving others in cafes not knowing how long to wait for them, or in a recent case in a group I'm in, leaving one woman alone in a clifftop carpark as the three others who were supposed to be joining her for a dog walk left her in the lurch. I do understand that anxiety is difficult, but why agree to do something if you know you are likely to drop out? Expecting others to take that risk so that you keep your options open is very bad manners, IMO.

Similarly, emergencies aside, if you have agreed to do something and another invitation comes along why can't people just say they can't make it as they have another commitment? I wonder how many people cancel holidays or other things they've paid for if they don't fancy it, or if they just drop out of things other people have made happen?

I'm getting it off my chest, really - I know there's no answer - but do others find this behaviour objectionable? I've stopped inviting some serial offenders altogether, particularly if they never host. I've read 'Let Them', and it helped me not to feel bad about it.

I have read ‘let them” too, it really does help with being able to not be upset but to think out what action to take as well. I thoroughly recommend a read of this excellent book.

Recently I bought ticket for a charity lunch. My ‘friend’ had talked me into it and offered to take me.
A couple of days before, she said she’d double booked the day and couldn’t do the lunch.
I wasn’t that bothered but was cross with her for bowing out.

Emergencies cropping up can’t be helped but I would never let anyone down if I had committed to something.

but I would never let anyone down if I had committed to something.

Loyalty doesnt seem to mean so much as it used to.

I do think that loyalty is not what it was.

People say that Covid is responsible for this sort of thing, as well as for poor behaviour in theatres etc, but I'm unconvinced. To me, it comes down to treating people badly because you see your own needs/wants as more important than the fact that other people have gone out of their way for you.

I understand how you feel DoodledogI arranged a family get together on Boxing Day last year. We had all had a difficult year, especially my stepson, who we helped a great deal. He lived with us with his children for many months. There would have been about 20 of us. I was out on Christmas Day so it was a struggle to get everything ready -I had pre-made lots of different pies to serve cold with pickles ( each one had a favourite) bought everyone’s favourite drink, arranged little presents etc. the evening before when the house was set up the phone calls came from stepson and stepdaughter. ‘Will it matter if we don’t come tomorrow?’ ‘Can I just drop the kids off cus I’ve been invited to a party?’ ‘The kids just want to stay on their computers’ my response was ‘sod the lot of em’ but it really upset me. I had really done it for them as they are both single parents. As it happened I had a lovely day with my children and grandchildren, but so much food was wasted. I won’t do that again.

I know what you mean Doodledog about people thinking their time and, in your case effort, is more important than yours. I have a long standing friend who is a serial late arriver. She does it with everyone. I have wasted so much time hanging around for her as have others. We now all accept it but we don't change our plans any longer.

I share your frustration 100% . I had a friend do it to me three times in succession . Sending a message the morning of , feeling unwell the first time , ok cant be helped so made another date , same again , morning of , daughter needed her help , ok that happens so made another date , third time having furniture delivered .....
Haven't seen or heard from her since , stopped watering that friendship 😤.
My sons wedding was a revelation , over £100 per head and the number of guests who messaged the morning of , after the numbers had been finalised to say they couldn't come with a variety of excuses 🙄. One particular one that annoyed me was saying they'd been unwell all week and decided to wait till the morning of to see if they felt better .... please .

LadyGaGa, that's awful , I would have been mad as hell

Yes Doodledog I agree. Its very bad manners and shows total disrespect for the host .
One of the other things that happens to me a lot lately is organising get togethers on mutually agreeable dates . They'll send one date with 2 or 3 days notice and expect you to be totally free and available for them because they're so busy doing this , that or the other with this club , group or other friends . Its like they think you're just sitting by the phone waiting for their invite because you don't have a life lol 😆

Well thankfully my husband told them a few home truths Sparkle Things were
frosty between us all for a while but I didn’t get any apologies.

I have a friend who now, has arranged 5 times visit and every time, the night before, has messaged to say they need to rearrange as something better had come up, so they could no longer come on our arranged date. There will be no more invitations given. 😠. So rude and hurtful to actually be told “something better” has come up.

JaneJudge

I would like to think people wouldn't just drop people for a better offer. I do know lots of people suffer from social anxiety and I suppose the more we get out of doing things, the more that anxiety can raise it's ugly head. Although I suffer a bit from this myself, I do try and give good notice if I feel I cannot make an event (I've got a lot better though )

I can be anxious for 2 days before, & ruminating for 2 days after, but I've never dropped out of anything for social anxiety.

For me, once I'm there it nearly always eases.

Likely the ones who drop out because of anxiety are some of the ones who don't host - as that's a whole other level of anxiety.

People do get ill sometimes!!!!!

Yes i agree that you should tell the absentee that you have made certain descisions without her, as she's hardly in a position to argue is she, its not your fault, but if the others wont agree then i'd tell them that (whatever you suggested) is jolly well what you yourself will be doing, so the others will have to decide what they are going to do themselves.And stick to it.

I would also suggest to absentee that perhaps SHE would prefer to host in future so that she doesnt have the extra worry of leaving her house as you can all come to her.(she could always buy little picky bits,or sandwiches by m&s from ocado to put out so she doesnt have to worry about what food to put on.)...🤔

But better late than never at all eh for the serial late arrivers! We have a couple in our family are always late....& usually blame the kids...😆

Why don’t you stop hosting lunches and let someone else do it.

None of my friends host lunches anymore, and neither do I.
We are all happy to meet up for lunches out though.

My mother was widowed and it drove her mad when another widowed friend cancelled going out for supper at the last minute. She believed it was because of a better offer, and it was really mean because my mother was of the generation who wouldn't go out for a meal in the evening by herself. Her friend went out with quite a few different men and ended up remarrying - sadly he died, leaving her without the excellent pension that her first husband left her with.

As someone with a chronic, incurable, unpredictable disease, I have had to let down two close friends in the past fortnight. It is awful to do it but sometimes really cannot be helped.

My only alternative is to never make any plans, but I find that so depressing.

I'm not saying this is what happened in this case, but just sharing a scenario I'm familiar with.

I empathise with what you are saying Newgran I am in a similar situation. It is very hard as you truly don't know if you can face going out or to anyone's house even. Especially for me if it's the evening. Because I also have Coeliacs Disease I am very reluctant to expose myself to gluten as it seriously affects me. But I do have friends who understand this as I've explained it to them.

Greenscarf

People do get ill sometimes!!!!!

Yes of course and life is unpredictable but I think when it's become a recurring pattern then it's questionable if illness is genuinely at the root of it . If a friend who is always committed and reliable suddenly cancels because of illness then its genuine but repeated offenders , perhaps not , they're just I'm afraid suffering from that dreadful affliction known as FLAKY .

LemonJam

Sorry you've been let down Doodledog, your frustration is understandable. What was the reason your friend gave for pulling out this morning- at the last minute?

I think when it's not a pattern and when there is a reason that makes sense, it's much easier to accept as one of life's unexpected curve balls. But if it's because a friend has got a better offer thats somewhat rude and thoughtless and I would be upset.

If a person accepts and invitation they are then committed, bar ill health or accident. Commitment should mean commitment at the end of the day, whether it's a friend or a larger group.

Nowadays, when I organise a group meals for our local U3A , most restaurants are now requesting a deposit for large groups- usually a nominal amount e.g £6- though for the Christmas meal is generally a larger amount. Members pay the deposit happily as they realise the restaurants still need to pay their staff and buy the food in for the group. Food, heating and staff cost money. Someone who drops out (and it doesn't happen often) has the option of finding someone else to take their place also.

Consideration makes the world a much happier place.

It’s plain rude to let someone down at the last minute, unless it’s a dire emergency!
In the past I’ve been dressed up to go out & same friend has let me down on a few occasions with that ‘old chestnut’ of a tummy bug, or whatever, then I’ve to listen whilst they describe that ailment, when all I want to say is that they are a waste of space.
Also I don’t blame restaurants for taking a deposit. Usually those people that argue that, are the very people that let you down.

Unless there was a good reason.l would give them 2 chances. Then not bother inviting them to anything else again.

I’m 100% with you, it’s my birthday a big 0 birthday and I’ve booked and planned a party in the local golf club. Tomorrow’s the day the 30th May. Invitations went out in January everyone by one couple said yes. So all good so you’d think, but no now the days approaching one by one I’m getting let down with reasons of can’t get a dog sitter, made other arrangements, I’m a hermit these days. I don’t know anyone.
So now I’ve got 14 less coming even though I’ve paid £20 per head for the buffet.
I’m not amused to say the least. Unless it was a real emergency I’d never let people down this way. So I feel your frustration.

We have a family funeral next week and so many people said they wanted to attend we have had to double the number and hire a larger space and order more food. But some of the family believe about 30% won’t attend and stay home to watch it being streamed. But you have to accept this and accommodate the larger number and bear the cost of those not attending. I understand this is common practice now, people say they will attend because it’s the right thing to do and then take the streaming option and send apologies the morning of the funeral. As if a family funeral wasn’t bad enough you then have to deal with bad manners.