People who drop out at the last minute

Doodledog I feel your pain! I used to run with a friend (pre covid) a lunchclub for older people. We got so fed up with people that didn't turn up because they got a better offer, despite the fact we'd bought, prepared and cooked their lunch, that we decided on book and prepay your place. We found that really concentrated the mind. If you wanted to drop out you had to give one week's notice or forfeit your prepay. We did accommodate last minute emergencies, but they had to be genuine. We weren't prepared to not only cover the cost of the food we'd bought but our time in preparing and cooking it. And there were diners who thought as volunteers we should do this weekly rather than monthly 😂😂

It’s good to see I’m not alone in my thinking.

I don’t think I’m unreasonable about genuine reasons for being unavailable, but I do think that if you say you are doing something you should do it unless absolutely incapable. Not feeling like it, or getting a better offer doesn’t cut it, IMO.

Also, if money is involved you forfeit it, including people who pull out of holidays and expect others in the group to cover their costs.

If you know you might struggle on the day, you let the host know, and offer the chance to someone who will honour her obligations, rather than let the host pay for your unused space.

I’m not sure it’s an age thing - much as I was brought up to honour commitments, at my age it is mostly older people who let me down.

Do read Let Them, Tenko. It’s a bit repetitive and not very original, but it does give permission to let go of ideas that you are responsible for others’ bad behaviour.

If I am not sure about an event I am invited to, I won’t say I am going. It is simply not fair, rude even, to say yes and then just not turn up. If an invitation needs a definite reply I will give one, either yes or no, and stick to it. If it doesn’t need a commitment, I will be vague and keep my options open.

Some of the instances quoted are incredibly rude and hurtful.

I was brought up by my parents , that if you accept an invitation, barring illness or an emergency, you attend . And I’ve passed this on to my AC.
Sadly people do seem to be flaky these days , my book club has died a death due to people cancelling at the last minute because they’re tired or don’t feel like going out .
I loved hosting and entertaining but it’s so stressful when you put yourself out there and people cancel . I don’t think they realise how upsetting it is .
I need to read Let Them .

That's probably what I would do, StoneofDestiny. I know I wouldn't stand anyone up, or leave it to the last minute to drop out.

I don't blame you for dropping your friend, Esmay. And birthday wishes from me, too, Juicylucy.

highly unlikely anybody would drop out of an arrangement for ‘social anxiety reasons’ unless they were also just plain inconsiderate.
Surely you’d let the host know you could not commit to attending as you often have ‘anxiety’ issues - but if you felt alright on the day you’d just pop over for a drink, ‘so don’t cater for me, I’ll have something before I arrive if I come’

Happy big birthday JuicyLucy. Have a lovely evening
🌹🎁🎁🎁🌹

As far as I’m concerned an arrangement is an agreement. Certainly it is not something to be dropped because you have a better off or ‘don’t feel like it ‘ .Yes emergencies and illness happen but otherwise it is extremely rude to just drop out. Not something a real friend would do.

Happy birthday
Juicylucy. I hope your party is well attended and you have a wonderful day.

One of my friends does this to me all the time.
I'll invite her to something and she'll say yes please ,but drop out at the very last minute mainly due to her daughter's demands on her .
In early April we agreed to meet up for lunch .
I'd offered her a lot of beautiful clothes for her daughter who is embarking on a career entertaining. She's been thrilled with the clothes that I've given her before.
I struggled with the clothes on the bus with my grannie trolley .
Sitting in the venue - I texted her to say that I'd arrived.
I delayed ordering food.
Finally I received a text to say that she didn't feel like coming out .

I wished her well for Easter .

But I'm just not making any more arrangements with her .
I think that it's time to give your friend the heave ho .

Sending you Juicylucy.

I hope you enjoy your special day, despite the let-downs.

I think it should be expected. The ones who show up could be your pleasant surprise.

We have a family funeral next week and so many people said they wanted to attend we have had to double the number and hire a larger space and order more food. But some of the family believe about 30% won’t attend and stay home to watch it being streamed. But you have to accept this and accommodate the larger number and bear the cost of those not attending. I understand this is common practice now, people say they will attend because it’s the right thing to do and then take the streaming option and send apologies the morning of the funeral. As if a family funeral wasn’t bad enough you then have to deal with bad manners.

I’m 100% with you, it’s my birthday a big 0 birthday and I’ve booked and planned a party in the local golf club. Tomorrow’s the day the 30th May. Invitations went out in January everyone by one couple said yes. So all good so you’d think, but no now the days approaching one by one I’m getting let down with reasons of can’t get a dog sitter, made other arrangements, I’m a hermit these days. I don’t know anyone.
So now I’ve got 14 less coming even though I’ve paid £20 per head for the buffet.
I’m not amused to say the least. Unless it was a real emergency I’d never let people down this way. So I feel your frustration.

Unless there was a good reason.l would give them 2 chances. Then not bother inviting them to anything else again.

LemonJam

Sorry you've been let down Doodledog, your frustration is understandable. What was the reason your friend gave for pulling out this morning- at the last minute?

I think when it's not a pattern and when there is a reason that makes sense, it's much easier to accept as one of life's unexpected curve balls. But if it's because a friend has got a better offer thats somewhat rude and thoughtless and I would be upset.

If a person accepts and invitation they are then committed, bar ill health or accident. Commitment should mean commitment at the end of the day, whether it's a friend or a larger group.

Nowadays, when I organise a group meals for our local U3A , most restaurants are now requesting a deposit for large groups- usually a nominal amount e.g £6- though for the Christmas meal is generally a larger amount. Members pay the deposit happily as they realise the restaurants still need to pay their staff and buy the food in for the group. Food, heating and staff cost money. Someone who drops out (and it doesn't happen often) has the option of finding someone else to take their place also.

Consideration makes the world a much happier place.

It’s plain rude to let someone down at the last minute, unless it’s a dire emergency!
In the past I’ve been dressed up to go out & same friend has let me down on a few occasions with that ‘old chestnut’ of a tummy bug, or whatever, then I’ve to listen whilst they describe that ailment, when all I want to say is that they are a waste of space.
Also I don’t blame restaurants for taking a deposit. Usually those people that argue that, are the very people that let you down.

Greenscarf

People do get ill sometimes!!!!!

Yes of course and life is unpredictable but I think when it's become a recurring pattern then it's questionable if illness is genuinely at the root of it . If a friend who is always committed and reliable suddenly cancels because of illness then its genuine but repeated offenders , perhaps not , they're just I'm afraid suffering from that dreadful affliction known as FLAKY .

I empathise with what you are saying Newgran I am in a similar situation. It is very hard as you truly don't know if you can face going out or to anyone's house even. Especially for me if it's the evening. Because I also have Coeliacs Disease I am very reluctant to expose myself to gluten as it seriously affects me. But I do have friends who understand this as I've explained it to them.

As someone with a chronic, incurable, unpredictable disease, I have had to let down two close friends in the past fortnight. It is awful to do it but sometimes really cannot be helped.

My only alternative is to never make any plans, but I find that so depressing.

I'm not saying this is what happened in this case, but just sharing a scenario I'm familiar with.

My mother was widowed and it drove her mad when another widowed friend cancelled going out for supper at the last minute. She believed it was because of a better offer, and it was really mean because my mother was of the generation who wouldn't go out for a meal in the evening by herself. Her friend went out with quite a few different men and ended up remarrying - sadly he died, leaving her without the excellent pension that her first husband left her with.

Why don’t you stop hosting lunches and let someone else do it.

None of my friends host lunches anymore, and neither do I.
We are all happy to meet up for lunches out though.

But better late than never at all eh for the serial late arrivers! We have a couple in our family are always late....& usually blame the kids...😆

I would also suggest to absentee that perhaps SHE would prefer to host in future so that she doesnt have the extra worry of leaving her house as you can all come to her.(she could always buy little picky bits,or sandwiches by m&s from ocado to put out so she doesnt have to worry about what food to put on.)...🤔

Yes i agree that you should tell the absentee that you have made certain descisions without her, as she's hardly in a position to argue is she, its not your fault, but if the others wont agree then i'd tell them that (whatever you suggested) is jolly well what you yourself will be doing, so the others will have to decide what they are going to do themselves.And stick to it.

People do get ill sometimes!!!!!