How do I develop a thicker skin?.

Then of course there is guilt 🙄

We should of course be nice in RL even in the face of hostility so it leads to self reproach and doubt.

Yes, envy is the big nasty sibling of jealousy.

Envy seeks to destroy that which it envies. To close down the trigger.

It's important to share vulnerability. Or even be known to have it, or how else do we get comfort and support?

- but RL experience over-trusting people who pretend to care - shows it's not good to be naive in the face of realities.

Second paragraph meant our inner learnt instructions to be nice.

(Maybe our generation growing up as girls it was very strong?)

Wyllow3

Second paragraph meant our inner learnt instructions to be nice.

(Maybe our generation growing up as girls it was very strong?)

Yes.

Ive never cared much what other people though of me unless they were in a position to help me in life. I discovered long ago that if you do things with a certain air of confidence and panache people are unlikely to question you. Ive never hesitated to confidently push myself into occasions where I was not specifically invited, knowing no one would say anything about it to my face. Ive walked to the front of a queue as though I had some special iVIP nvitation and no one has ever challenged me.

Now I can't be bothered with people and avoid them like the plague.

There is a word for this sort of woman ... its a B*tch !!!

MawsRosie your posts are so wise and sensible that I was surprised to read your original post here. And, by the way, you must be super-proud of your DD. (Is your sister in law jealous?? And is she usually pushy and insensitive?)
Are you sure your sister-in-law was "forgetting" to include you? Could she have assumed that you would obviously be included automatically?
If you really think she was being so pushy and insensitive, she needs to be told. Decide in advance how you want to say it and ring her up and let her know how you felt. Make her uncomfortable. She'll be more careful in future.
I've done it. It made me feel I had agency. And it worked.

I agree, it seems unkind to me. Plus not everyone can come up with a quick response in moments of stress.

Hmmm...I'd think hard before confronting someone who is bitter/toxic like that. But it's a close call and depends on an assessment of that person in the long term going forward.

Why risk her turning against you more forcefully?

Her bitterness stirring things more? If you do "Tell it like it is" then she may repeat it to other family members as "poor little me attacked by nasty MawsRosie

Red rag to a bull?

What gain to you, when her toxicity means a covert attention seeker likely to bite back?

Possibly consider the "grey rock technique"

Rather than explain it ham fistedly....I'll just say that I had to use this when separating from a co-ercively abusive husband for a whole year in 2022.

And I didn't think of it as Grey Rock at the time, I didn't then know the term, just fell into it. And I need to use it atm in a particular situation.

And it's hard to spot and avoid the "hooks" someone like SiL can dangle.

Quote

"The grey rock technique is a psychological strategy used to deal with manipulative, narcissistic, or toxic individuals.

By purposely acting as boring and emotionally unresponsive as a "grey rock," you deny them the drama and emotional reactions they feed on, eventually causing them to lose interest and disengage.

I tried to find a relevant page and googled

"how can I gently use grey rock against a toxic family member"

which brought up some ideas you might consider.

Allira

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

Allira - I think you may have missed an opportunity here ... if there are several of you being 'missed out' make your own group and do lots of exciting things together! Have something like a whatsapp group, don't have a QB! If you or anyone else comments on this I won't see it, I don't seem able to get to grips with how GN works, even after reading the instructions! x

Maws - your sil was indeed tactless but is this uncharacteristic behaviour for her, and is she your sil by virtue of being your deceased DH's sister? If so I wonder whether you've been wanting your own company since being on your own and if she's picked up on that and just been surprised. Of course, she should have had a word with you beforehand to let you know her plans, but at the same time you will now need to try at least letting people know you are ready/keen to be included. Well done to your DD and sil anyway. I hope you do go and enjoy yourself.

Is there a possibility that your SIL automatically assumed you would already have plans to see your successful DD’s prestigious production? You must be very proud.

If not, envy and insecurity, as suggested, may be the answer.

Yes, it does depend on looking carefully about how she has been over a long time character wise before making a bold move x

Sleepyhead52

Allira

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

Allira - I think you may have missed an opportunity here ... if there are several of you being 'missed out' make your own group and do lots of exciting things together! Have something like a whatsapp group, don't have a QB! If you or anyone else comments on this I won't see it, I don't seem able to get to grips with how GN works, even after reading the instructions! x

Good advice!)
Yes, I do belong to other groups.

It all sounds very strange. Maybe you should phone her and say in the future you would like to be included.
There is the possibility that you could have gone with someone else, maybe your family, rather than your son-in-law's family or a friend. You are not part of their group, and if you want to be, you should say so! It's a good idea to have clarity rather than let wounds fester.

Realky

It all sounds very strange. Maybe you should phone her and say in the future you would like to be included.
There is the possibility that you could have gone with someone else, maybe your family, rather than your son-in-law's family or a friend. You are not part of their group, and if you want to be, you should say so! It's a good idea to have clarity rather than let wounds fester.

Sorry if I was mot clear.
DH’s family ARE my family. I don’t see how that excludes me from a group.
My daughter’s FIL also widowed is included in many of our family occasions . We all get on very well, he lives in London so probably sees more of GS than,alas I do.
This is DD’s play so I would expect to go with members of her fathers family (I have no others of my own)
Is that still unclear?

If so I wonder whether you've been wanting your own company since being on your own and if she's picked up on that and just been surprised

Show me any widow who wants her own company and is happy to see her AC going to places without her when she has been left on her own!

I’d have just said something along the lines of ‘not sorted my ticket or date yet, can you put me down please?’

MawsRosie

^If so I wonder whether you've been wanting your own company since being on your own and if she's picked up on that and just been surprised^

Show me any widow who wants her own company and is happy to see her AC going to places without her when she has been left on her own!

Truly Maw! I do know how you feel. It's stabs in the heart so it is

I agree with you Cossy. I’ve been there, done that and feel much better for it.

I think you are going to have to talk to her. Tell her how you are feeling regarding this family arrangement excluding you. No one here is going to know why she was like that with you.
Has she been like this before? I think if you don't get to the bottom of it and sort a way forward then it's going to continue to upset you.

MawsRosie , I’m late to the post but I totally get how you’re feeling. You weren’t overly sensitive and your sister was being very tack less and rude .
Discussing an outing when others haven’t been invited is downright rude and s insensitive.
I don’t know what your relationship with your sister is like, but if possible I’d have a quiet word with her and explain that her actions have hurt you.
As for the beginning of your post , I can totally relate to you. I too am a people pleaser and hate confrontation. I’ve been left out if things and just pretend I’m not bothered . I come across as confident and smiley , but inside I’m full of insecurities. Weirdly it’s got worse as I’ve got older.
I was on a yoga retreat last month and I’ve started journaling, so when something happens which upsets me . I write it down , which I find helps .
Oh and congratulations to your dd, you must be so proud of her . 💐

Sorry OP I see that she has been confrontational with you before.
Maybe she just doesnt like you for whatever reason. I have 2 sis in law. One I love to bits and speak to most days and one I just dont get on with and havent spoken to her for several years since she made some quite unpleasant comments when I was about to start chemotherapy and feeling very anxious. Maybe she doesnt like me. She can be very unpleasant to people but probably thinks she is being honest and calling a spade a spade. Whatever it is I will never contact her willingly again.
Your situation is different because you dont really know why she is like she is with you. Maybe she doesnt really know why herself. So you could screw up your courage and ask her using the theatre outing arrangement as the example.
Or if you dont want to do thst then you are going to have to stand up for yourself. Dont make passive aggressive remarks, but just stand up for you. So if she is leaving you out say""hey sil what about me?"" Dont forget me " and say it loudly and pleasantly. Not the comment you were going to make and didnt. Be positive. Practice at home until it comes naturally. Whstever you want to do make sure you are heard. It's not having a thick skin, it's knowing you are as important as everyone else.

I keep a mental note of all slights and annoyances. The l can get my own back at some stage even if years later in a really small way.

Also Queen of the Grudges. Works a treat for me. Life's too short to be used band taken for granted y people.

Hmm. Maybe, I should change my nickname to that.

Ho ho!!😹

Realky

It all sounds very strange. Maybe you should phone her and say in the future you would like to be included.
There is the possibility that you could have gone with someone else, maybe your family, rather than your son-in-law's family or a friend. You are not part of their group, and if you want to be, you should say so! It's a good idea to have clarity rather than let wounds fester.

I'm confused.

Have you misread *MawsRosie's post or have I misunderstood something?

So if it is part of her character, and she is inclined towards spiteful remarks and actions, I do suggest thinking carefully before direct confrontation as I did previously.

At the same time going back a long way on the thread, well done for the way you dealt with it this time by your quiet insistence. Keep on with that?

Its hard to find our feet in the world in you new situation as a widow which a lot of challenges, Yes goodness knows so many of us are needy

but you most definitely not oversensitive in trying to meet natural needs of being part of your family xx