How do I develop a thicker skin?.

I would let it go now, knowing I would never let it go unchecked again.

For what it is worth I had a very friendly phone call from the sisters in law (there are 2) who had been to a family funeral yesterday. Initially I had thought I might go as DH and I were very fond of the cousin who has died (in his 90’s ) but when I realised it would be a 2 1/2- 3 hour drive there and then back I decided against it. The sisters could do it by train in half the time and if I am being honest, I didn’t really want to go with them!
Anyway they rang to tell me all about it in the friendliest way, said several people had asked after me, I was missed etc etc and they picked up an extra copy of the order of service which they are sending to me.
Honestly, butter would not have melted!
Perhaps I was just being over sensitive at the weekend, but I won’t let this go unchecked again.
Thanks for all the sympathy and support from all those who ‘got’ me.

Discussing an outing when others haven’t been invited is downright rude and s insensitive.

That sort of discussion is unkind. I'm sorry you heard Sil speak of her plans. Perhaps, in future, consider avoiding this Sil?

Are you going on your own, or decide to go with your rude Sil?

In future I'd avoided rude Sil at all cost.

Just read your earlier post about the allocation of tickets and it seems that if she was aware of the ticket situation she sould have definitely included you in the arrangements or at least ask if you as her mum had your own arrangements.

She does sound very tactless to ask if you wanted to go as if any mum wouldn’t want to support her daughter/son going to an important event they were involved in
Some people just like to feel important unfortunately but don’t let her spoil the event for you, go and have a great time .
I’m sure she didn’t come off in a good light to the others who were there

I read a book that advocated using the ‘let them’ but the author did say that she then needed to use ‘let me’ to make a positive decision about what she would do in response. I have to say this has really helped me to not only deal with hurtful situations but also to reinforce positive thinking of what response or action I would take in response, if that makes sense!

Remember you are not being over sensitive, MawsRosie. and you took that first step in standing up for yourself. You ask, "how?"

Sad to say

Its practice and taking carefully thought out risks.Yes, self examine to a degree, as in "am I over reacting" but dont over do that. Others close to you need to appreciate you too have feelings, have experienced pain, deserve your place in the sunlight.

She does sound a bit tactless and as if you say she has form for this your right to feel upset
The only thing I wondered was did she think because it’s your daughter’s production did she think that you being her mum your daughter had arranged something for you ie got you a ticket herself
As for being especially sensitive no , I think most people when having someone especially friends or family come out with something unkind out of the blue it sort of stops you in your tracks and you don’t know how to react especially if it’s in a group
I usually get home think about what was said then think up a really good reply in my head and then am annoyed at my self for not using it
Hope the production goes well

🤣🤣🤣🤣You said it!

How something is received can be so influenced by mood - or even health- at the time.

I think that is the crux of the matter.

I can let most things go over the top of my head but if someone criticises my children (or grandchildren) I can be like Mama Wolf.

Not that this SisiL was criticising your DD, on the contrary, but she was arranging a 'family' outing to see her production and excluding you! A very strange thing to do but perhaps she is just odd anyway.

I take your point and forewarned is forearmed! Or at least prepared and aim to be more robust and less of a doormat.
However I think it is also important for one’s own MH not to let it fester, not to ‘nurse my wrath to keep it warm’ !
How something is received can be so influenced by mood - or even health- at the time. An unanswered email/text/whatsapp /unreturned phone call could just as easily be on account of time pressures or internet problems or other reasons , but when you are feeling lonely or down, it takes on shades of rejection, being unwanted, unimportant or unloved.
So this takes me back to my initial question - how to toughen up emotionally so that these instances are more like water off the proverbial duck’s back, than rejection?

As things stand imo its worth dwelling on it because basically what MawsRosie has just done ie sticking up for herself will probably be needed to be continued until the message gets across.

So worth the pondering including tactics and strengthening self worth and resolve.

sixandahalf

*I keep a mental note of all slights and annoyances. The l can get my own back at some stage even if years later in a really small way*

That must be tiring.

I got so used to people making snide remarks, i barely hear them.

What I delight in is those times when someone says something nice. it is much nicer to remember those rare complimentary remarks than spend time dwelling on all the nasty things people say.

This sort of thing happens to me too. I try and rise above it but it's not always easy. It hurts. People are so cruel sometimes.

MawsRosie I don't think your sis in law was being insensitive I think she was being downright unkind and unpleasant. How could she arrange something like that without even consulting you first let alone, (eventually when pressed), asking if you wanted to go too?! For goodness sake it's YOUR daughter's production! I think her actions were despicable and wonder if she has always treated you this way.
I don't suppose there's anything you can really do about this without causing family friction unless you maybe have the opportunity to approach her when she's on her own and then you might consider telling her how hurtful her action and comments were.
You are not being overly sensitive.

GoldenAge

Maws - your sil was indeed tactless but is this uncharacteristic behaviour for her, and is she your sil by virtue of being your deceased DH's sister? If so I wonder whether you've been wanting your own company since being on your own and if she's picked up on that and just been surprised. Of course, she should have had a word with you beforehand to let you know her plans, but at the same time you will now need to try at least letting people know you are ready/keen to be included. Well done to your DD and sil anyway. I hope you do go and enjoy yourself.

I agree with this, I think she was trying to support your daughter as a family and was surprised that you wanted to go. She should have told you what she had in mind, but perhaps she is very aware that you are grieving and tried to tread carefully. Golden Age and I may of course be completely wrong. Only you know her and what she was like before your husband died.

I keep a mental note of all slights and annoyances. The l can get my own back at some stage even if years later in a really small way

That must be tiring.

I would chunter about this to someone reliable - presumably one of your daughters (and GN obvs) but not say anything.

Irritating as it is - ructions in families are not good.

Though DH's remaining brother could get me to think differently.

So if it is part of her character, and she is inclined towards spiteful remarks and actions, I do suggest thinking carefully before direct confrontation as I did previously.

At the same time going back a long way on the thread, well done for the way you dealt with it this time by your quiet insistence. Keep on with that?

Its hard to find our feet in the world in you new situation as a widow which a lot of challenges, Yes goodness knows so many of us are needy

but you most definitely not oversensitive in trying to meet natural needs of being part of your family xx

Realky

It all sounds very strange. Maybe you should phone her and say in the future you would like to be included.
There is the possibility that you could have gone with someone else, maybe your family, rather than your son-in-law's family or a friend. You are not part of their group, and if you want to be, you should say so! It's a good idea to have clarity rather than let wounds fester.

I'm confused.

Have you misread *MawsRosie's post or have I misunderstood something?

I keep a mental note of all slights and annoyances. The l can get my own back at some stage even if years later in a really small way.

Also Queen of the Grudges. Works a treat for me. Life's too short to be used band taken for granted y people.

Hmm. Maybe, I should change my nickname to that.

Ho ho!!😹

Sorry OP I see that she has been confrontational with you before.
Maybe she just doesnt like you for whatever reason. I have 2 sis in law. One I love to bits and speak to most days and one I just dont get on with and havent spoken to her for several years since she made some quite unpleasant comments when I was about to start chemotherapy and feeling very anxious. Maybe she doesnt like me. She can be very unpleasant to people but probably thinks she is being honest and calling a spade a spade. Whatever it is I will never contact her willingly again.
Your situation is different because you dont really know why she is like she is with you. Maybe she doesnt really know why herself. So you could screw up your courage and ask her using the theatre outing arrangement as the example.
Or if you dont want to do thst then you are going to have to stand up for yourself. Dont make passive aggressive remarks, but just stand up for you. So if she is leaving you out say""hey sil what about me?"" Dont forget me " and say it loudly and pleasantly. Not the comment you were going to make and didnt. Be positive. Practice at home until it comes naturally. Whstever you want to do make sure you are heard. It's not having a thick skin, it's knowing you are as important as everyone else.

MawsRosie , I’m late to the post but I totally get how you’re feeling. You weren’t overly sensitive and your sister was being very tack less and rude .
Discussing an outing when others haven’t been invited is downright rude and s insensitive.
I don’t know what your relationship with your sister is like, but if possible I’d have a quiet word with her and explain that her actions have hurt you.
As for the beginning of your post , I can totally relate to you. I too am a people pleaser and hate confrontation. I’ve been left out if things and just pretend I’m not bothered . I come across as confident and smiley , but inside I’m full of insecurities. Weirdly it’s got worse as I’ve got older.
I was on a yoga retreat last month and I’ve started journaling, so when something happens which upsets me . I write it down , which I find helps .
Oh and congratulations to your dd, you must be so proud of her . 💐

I think you are going to have to talk to her. Tell her how you are feeling regarding this family arrangement excluding you. No one here is going to know why she was like that with you.
Has she been like this before? I think if you don't get to the bottom of it and sort a way forward then it's going to continue to upset you.

I agree with you Cossy. I’ve been there, done that and feel much better for it.

MawsRosie

^If so I wonder whether you've been wanting your own company since being on your own and if she's picked up on that and just been surprised^

Show me any widow who wants her own company and is happy to see her AC going to places without her when she has been left on her own!

Truly Maw! I do know how you feel. It's stabs in the heart so it is