How to support my friend who has Dementia

Thank you all for your advice which I will pass on to my friend's Husband. To be fair he is not putting pressure on me to help and was grateful for the meals that I prepared. He does not expect me to do this on a regular basis and nor would I be willing to. I have said to him that it is okay to ask for help and if the right support is in place it will assist both of them. It is not going to be an easy journey for either of them but hopefully with the right support in place it will make things a little easier.

Your devotion to your friend is really touching,but I know from experience that it can go pear - shaped .

Looking after my father I regularly visited some elderly ladies ,.who were old friends of my mother.
One told me not to visit and slammed the door. I see her at church regularly.
One of them is a neighbour .
When he passed , I offered to do more as I could see that she was struggling .
I have shopped for her and wasn't rembursed .I've tidied her garden .
She has a carer ,who only comes in for an hour a day on the three days that the daughter isn't there .
When her daughter is there -huge rows erupt and she seems to be out with her friends a great deal .There are massive rows on the phone.
Her daighter lives about an hour away . I think that she's on the autistic spectrum. She does take her mother to her medical appointments and shop for her .
The house and garden are clean and tidy .
But this elderly lady often smells and her hair is unkempt .She is increasingly frail and confused .
She needs help with personal hygiene .
I've offered to do her hair .
But my offers have been met with suspicion Up until Easter,I visited regularly with flowers and arranged communion with my Vicar.
The lady was frightened of her daughter finding out that she had communion .
The previous carer welcomed my visits.
The one that they have now is rude .
And on my last attempted visit the daughter shouted no at me and barred the door.

I happened to see them at a cafe a couple of days ago . Her daughter spoke to me.
Whilst she shopped I joined her mother and her friend at their table.
I know the friend,who chatted happily and was happy to see me.

The deterioration in this lady is enormous.
She's highly intelligent and has had a glittering career -now she hardly speaks at all .
I think that her basic needs as regards food and medical care are being attended to ,but she needs more personal care and certainly more company as she spends most days alone .
In comparison to many elderly people her care looks favourable and acceptable.

In reality -it certainly isn't.

Carers can also ask for a Carer's assessment and might be awarded an amount of money that is specifically to make the Carer's life easier.

POA is essential - if its not too late!
Yes he should apply for Attendance Allowance and be registered as his wife's carer at the GP practice. It is a difficult road he is on - I know that! By all means help where you can but only do what is
comfortable for you, look after yourself!

How sad for you OP. But as said above be very careful of what you take on.

A good way of helping both would be a large sheet of paper with all the contact numbers of societies he must get in touch with in their area..starting with the GP. Or print offf their website details for him.
Much as he seems angry he must be as devastated as she would be if the situation were reversed.

Attendance Allowance rates are currently £73.90 or £110.40 per week.

The council tax discount is 25% for a couple and is usually back dated to the time of AA being awarded. A person living on their own will pay no council tax.

And, apply for Attendance Allowance.

It is not means tested and there are two levels depending on circumstances.

And, a person with a dementia diagnosis and eligible for Attendance Allowance is also entitled to a reduction in Council Tax. (In England at least)

He needs to set up both the Health and Welfare, and Finance Powers of Attorney, and sooner rather than later.
He can do it online though he might appreciate some help from you to go through the forms with him.

I’m in this situation myself with my husbands Alzheimer’s. I’ve thought how it would be if the other way round as my husband is the typical old fashioned type where apart from his job the rest was left to me. So this man seems the same so be very careful of helping or you will quickly find he’ll leave it to you. There is no help apart from paying for it as I can testify. Yes you can speak to the professionals about the situation but there’s nothing more than that. You are on your own and I have friends in the situation who will back that comment up. Haveing what’s going on explained to you is fine but it doesn’t do the personal care, the cooking and all that side of life. So paying for help is what you must do. As for carers allowance, you don’t get that if you are retired!! So much misinformation written that gives a false impression. But this man has to face it himself and not rely on you as that’s unfair on you.

Admiral Nurses are a brilliant idea. They are accessed through DementiaUk.

He should also contact who ever provides Dementia Support Workers in your area. In our area (Leics) it is currently AgeUk who hold the contract. Previously, it was the Alzheimer's Society. The Admiral Nurses should be able to signpost you/him.

Lots of places run Carer Learning Courses which are very good.

The Alzheimers society have lots of down loads on lots of different topics.

He should think about applying for Attendance Allowance and registering himself as his wife's carer with her GP practice.

Judy54, please be very careful just how much help and support you get involved with…..yes, she’s a friend but her care is not your responsibility and it is obvious that she has run the house whilst her OH passed his time on the golf course. All that will have to change but he will still be able to have the occasional round once his wife’s care needs are being met.

Encourage him to contact local support networks, offer to help him prepare simple meals, suggest ready meals but please be mindful to not take on all their cooking……it is exhausting, I know!!!

Her GP practice should have contact details for local support groups.

This is one of the reasons that I think it’s important for everyone to know how to cook, do basic cleaning, shopping, laundry etc rather than having this ‘me Tarzan, you Jane’ attitude where it’s the little woman’s job to do all the domestic stuff!

Meals are the relatively easy bit. I’d point him at Wiltshire Farm Foods or similar, if he’s not likely to cook.
Then a cleaner to come in a couple of times a week.
Then a carer in a uniform that looks like a nurse’s, to get her washed or showered. This can be the hardest, as I know from experience - DM and FiL.
They both resisted strongly any idea of a bath or shower. My sister who lived much further away and so couldn’t visit often, was able to get DM in the shower - she simply wouldn’t take no for an answer. ‘You NEED a shower - you smell!’ (She did.)
Getting FIL to wear clean clothes was a real problem, until I started watching like a hawk for when he went to the loo first thing - I’d swoop in with a clean set, whip the others away. He never noticed.
I do have every sympathy for any spouse having to go through this - dementia is quite hard enough to cope with when it’s a parent.

He could ask his GP surgery to put him in contact with an Admiral Nurse. These nurses are dementia specialists.

He has got to want to help his wife. If he doesn’t then he needs to employ carers and cleaners for his wife.