Did anyone see the TV program yesterday on forced adoption?

LexieBexie 💐
A friend had similar family pressure and like you, cared for her baby for 8 weeks. They found each other when the child was an adult. The adoption was happy, my friend met the adoptive parents of her now adult child - what a positive outcome nut how sad as well

My parents arranged for me to go into an unmarried mother’s home at the age of 16. They said I would blacken their name if people found out. I had my baby in September 1965 and looked after her for 8 weeks, that was my punishment, as when the 8 weeks was up she was taken from me as they already had adoptive parents for her. We have since met up and I am pleased to say she had a wonderful mum and dad. I am 76 now and we are still in touch.

My big sister (RIP) was 15 (in 1960) walked in to see my mother (who was divorced from our father) with her then boyfriend and announced she was pregnant and wanted they to get married when she was 16. Our mother said 'No bloody way! You can have the baby and we will raise it as part of the family but you are not getting married'
My sister's baby was born 3 months premature and it was touch and go whether the baby would survive, thankfully she did. I became an auntie aged 7. My sister then deliberately got pregnant again so our mother would have to let her get married. My sister and her husband and the two babies lived with us for another two years until they got a place of their own to live in. My sister went on to have 9 more children.

Some sad stories on here Droopydraws 😢
I was around in the 1960s when my friend's little sister "got herself pregnant" not sure how this is possible

Her DM helped her and she stayed at home. She later married and her husband adopted her baby. All very modern because even my mum, who I thought didn't care much what others thought, told us girls that having a baby when we weren't married would ruin our lives and that "no nice man would want to marry us"
Even back then I wondered how nice a man was if he wouldn't accept a wife with a baby.

Stigma was dreadful and still is in parts of the world.

LitEve: Thank you. I did meet up with her when she was 30 and comforted by the fact that she's had a good life.

It was bloody awful. Parents being in on it as well is beyond belief. If they'd done that to me, I know we'd have no relationship after that ever again. I've lost babies through miscarriage. I'd never forgive them x

My DH was adopted at 6 months. He found out, after his adoptive patents had both passed away, that the pregnancy was the result of a rape. He did contact his birth mother, via a solicitor, but although she wrote him a beautiful letter, she was not willing to meet and died a couple of years later. He has never fully processed this and has a fear of rejection which he can't resolve.

Not all Mums gave up their babies because they couldn't afford to keep them.

I did see the programme and it made me go cold as this could have been me! I had my son in the United States (where I was working) and when I split from his father when he was about 10 months old, I brought him back to the UK. I had never got married so I was an unmarried mother and I had my families support but faced terrible prejudice. At one interview for an office job the older woman interviewing me, when she found out I was unmarried, said "sorry, we don't want people like you working here". Nonetheless my son is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I was born in 1960. My birth mother married a man just before my birth who apparently was not my real father?? She then gave me up. I was adopted and it was rushed through a Crown Court for some strange reason. My godfather helped my adopted parents do this. I have no idea why. All have passed away now. Last year with the help of a Facebook forum l located my birth mother who had died in 2013. There the search ended. I do not know the real identity of my biological father.

The 60 s were not as swinging as people think.

A friend became pregnant in 1966. Abortion was illegal until the following year so she had what was called then a back street abortion. She was never able to have children after that. .

It was very much a Catch 22 back then. The message was, a 'good' mother will want her child to have two, married, parents and so must give it up. Only a 'bad' mother would want to keep her baby. Awful.

sodapop

JaneJudge

Lots of working class women brought shame on their families. I remember my Mother being obsessed with it

I take it that was tongue in cheek JaneJudge

I really don't remember this scenario, I was pregnant and unmarried in the 60s but don't recall any pressure being brought to bear.

Then you were very lucky sodapop. I became pregnant in 1968 and my mother told me, 'If you have this baby, you're not bringing it home.' I had a termination (NHS and with a painful element of punishment ) but years later, with my own two daughters, I thought how could my own mother have said that to me?

droopdraws Would you consider adding your details to the adoption contact register in case your child is looking for you? www.gov.uk/adoption-records/the-adoption-contact-register
My DH’s mother had not done this and it made him think she had forgotten him or didn’t care. It turns out she had been constantly told when giving up her child that she would ruin his life if she had any contact with him.
When we had our first child I was able to reassure him that a mother never forgets her baby. Now they have made contact she has told him that he was always on her mind and she has saved his photo in case he ever came looking. He did not feel able to search for her until his adoptive parents were both dead as he didn’t want to hurt them.
Despite having kind and loving adoptive parents he has always felt something was missing and hopefully this new chapter in our lives will go some way to plugging that gap.

very few babies are given up for adoption nowadays

Sometimes, when dreadful news items are about babies and small children being abused by their families, it makes you think these poor little souls would have had a better life if they had been adopted.

By this, I’m not implying that these single mothers of years ago come into that category, just that sometimes, adoption would be preferable for the child.

Cossy

Lathyrus3

I think this is such a difficult area. I spent a number of years in my working life involved with young children who had remained with their birth mother and were damaged both physically and emotionally as a result, because their mothers didn’t have the maturity to meet the needs of a child.

Their mothers did love them in terms of emotional attachment and wept and were devastated when the children were eventually removed from them. But, in spite of support, were very often unable to put the child’s needs before their own.

I wasn’t involved in the initial decisions at birth or the later ones. I was involved with the consequences.

In these cases support should have been given to any young mothers who wanted to keep their babies and were willing to accept help and learn.

Many children are emotionally damaged and physically and sexually assaulted both in the care system and in their homes with two parents.

Cossy, they were given support as Lathyrus3 says.

I was in a mother and baby home and was forced to put my baby up for adoption. I never married and it ruined any romantic relationships, as I could never allow anyone to get close to me.

I don't believe in going back in time and blaming anyone. The mindset was totally different, and things we do today will seem awful to people in 50 years' time.

So sorry to read about your aunt Lizzie44. The loss of a baby, in whatever way, is a life long issue. A friend had rounds of electric shock treatment in the mid 60’s. I realise now, she was suffering from trauma

My aunt was forced to give up her "illegitimate" baby for adoption in the 1940s. She never recovered from this loss and suffered from depression all her life (depression was not understood at the time and she endured many years of distresssing electric shock treatment as a young woman). Thank goodness we now live in more enlightened times.

Vetrep 🌸💐
I was very moved by your story. I’m so heartened that yiur baby was away for a relatuvely short time but sad the decision was based on what your mum said. I bet the sw involved were very happy your baby came home

Well said.

valdali

There was always an alternative unless they were very very young. Not for the best, for mum or baby, in the majority of cases.

Absolutely. I totally agree.

There was always an alternative unless they were very very young. Not for the best, for mum or baby, in the majority of cases.

valdali

There's always the possibility that some of those mums who were so adamant that their daughter had to give up their baby, had been through the same thing themselves as young girls. (either via a formal adoption or informally).They may have spent their lives trying to convince themselves they'd done the right thing for their baby.
Most families could make room for a baby if they decided to. There can't have been many families poorer or more over-crowded than my paternal grandparents, but they looked after my auntie & her baby until she & her boyfriend were in a position to marry. No-one starved.

Yes it's a pity shame took precedence over love and empathy.

mum2three

It was the best thing for the babies. As easybee says, if the girl has no income, the father won't support her, her own parents don't want to take on the baby, then what alternative was there?

It was absolutely not best for anyone, forced to give up your baby because of shame, the mother living her life not knowing who was looking after her baby. The child not knowing who gave birth to them. Lives have been ruined by forced adoption, so I reiterate not for the best by any means.

eazybee

They were not forced to give up their babies because they were unmarried; they had to relinquish them because were totally unable to support their child. The father usually refused to take any role in support,'because' I don't know that it is mine' , no paternity tests available. Parents were reluctant or unable to afford supporting a new baby and its mother, and it was very difficult for the mother to work as there were few nurseries and very little child care available. And of course, no benefits, so no income.
The mothers who kept their babies had the support, financial and practical, of their families.

I know that some were definitely forced, my mother was one who was forced to give up a son.