Funerals and number of Attendees

Grammaretto:

'I don't understand this no funeral fashion'

You say it's for those left behind - but we've never felt it was a comfort or helped with grief - at all. We find services awkward, don't want to go - but often feel obliged to.

It's good that people want to gather together and share memories - but that doesn't have to involve a dead body in a box or a religious service. We find it all rather primitive and tasteless - especially a stranger giving a speech to relatives, very bizarre.

Hello, Mads, I'm so sorry to read that your husband died yesterday, please accept my sincere condolences for your loss.
It must be a comfort to have discussed and planned things in advance, your arrangements are , as you say, perfect for him and you and the family. You know that you are fulfilling your DH'S wishes.

Thinking of you at this sad time. 💐

Years ago, when writing our joint will, DH and I stipulated that we both wish a full Requiem Mass and burial in a Catholic cemetary. That if one of us dies when on holiday, the burial is to take place there.

In any event, as little money as possible is to be spent on coffin etc.

For years, I sang professionally amongst other things at weddings and funerals, so to me it only made sense to write our wishes down, especially after being the person doing most of the arrangements for my parents' funerals.

Now that DH as been diagnosed with cancer, obviously the thought intrudes again - far less academically now, but as far as I know he has not changed his views. Hopefully, there will still be a few good years left to us together, but to any who hesitate to discuss the subject: it is easier to talk about whilst you are fit and well, rather than once you know death is approaching rather faster than you would like.

Many crematoriums can stream the service so friends & family worldwide can 'attend'.
I also got to keep a copy of the video which was lovely to watch afterwards ad I couldn't take it all in at the time
I found it a comfort.

I’m so very sorry to read your sad news Mads. My sincere condolences. 💐

Hetty58

Grammaretto:

'I don't understand this no funeral fashion'

You say it's for those left behind - but we've never felt it was a comfort or helped with grief - at all. We find services awkward, don't want to go - but often feel obliged to.

It's good that people want to gather together and share memories - but that doesn't have to involve a dead body in a box or a religious service. We find it all rather primitive and tasteless - especially a stranger giving a speech to relatives, very bizarre.

Many of us posted details of funerals that have been meaningful and a significant part of the grief that accompanies the death of a loved one. I posted that my husband’s funeral took place in the village church, where our children enjoyed brownies and we attended services. The service was conducted by a friend, who happens to be a vicar. We had a woodland burial, family only, then joined friends and family at the reception. At the venue, we displayed his art work, books he’d published, and many photographs .
You may have found it ‘primitive and tasteless’. The feedback I got from family and friends was it was a lovely way to commemorate a life well lived, in love.

The biggest funeral I've been to was for a colleague, a very popular teacher. and was attended by many of her current and former students many of whom had travelled many miles to attend. The church was packed and many people didn't get in! However she was a young women who died tragically while on maternity leave after having twins.

When most of us go we will have already lost many family and friends if we live to a good age. As many have said the funeral is for those who are left behind and their wishes are important. As a Christian, with many of my family and friends having faith which is important to them, I'd hope for a service of thanksgiving in my local church. A friend who died last year had that and afterwards there was a wake at a hotel and even the family didn't attend the crematorium, just the vicar accompanied her there while we simply gathered to remember her.

Another friend, who was single, planned her funeral in every detail, including producing a recorded 'sermon'. I think she felt as a single person with few, if any, family it saved them having to plan it. It was quite moving hearing her speaking 'from the grave' so to speak!

My DH and I have left our bodies to medical science after they have finished with us they will cremate what is left and inform my eldest son who will tell other family and friends.

Over the last five years I've been to three funerals, one my family and two Mr A's family. Each was a celebration of the person's life - not about their death at all. My aunt would have loved her funeral 😄 She would have enjoyed immensely to see her three adult children standing confidently in front of everyone talking about their lives with their Mum.

When my brother died (only 32) my sister-in-law told me that she had been so glad that all the family were around her after the funeral, laughing and joking and remembering funny things about my brother - she said she needed the respite from grieving just for a few hours to give her some strength for when it was all over.

I think that most of us here who are saying "no funeral" are not saying "no anything". We just don't want the formal thing in a church or crem in the presence of a coffin. I'm quite happy for friends and family to mark the event as they choose and that might be with speeches and music (or nothing). Hopefully it would take place somewhere they felt comfortable and could be themselves

Oh, all the time! My expectations are low, though. Best not to think scads of people will turn out to honor your demise. Yet, I’m laying the ground work to have a small (religious) memorial service (not in church as I’m no longer a member anywhere) and a fellowship gathering somewhere with those that turn up for food and refreshment, picking out soft background music and setting aside photos for family to use if they want to compile a visual history of my life, work and friends - if anyone is interested in looking as it flashes by. I will be cremated.

I’m also upgrading my will!
USA Gundy

Told my son just cremation then go for a drink to celebrate my life rather than mourning. Upto him really though what he decides at the time.

Ours are all sorted, from wherever we are when we pop our clogs straight into the oven. No funeral, no messing about, no speeches by some religious bod we don't believe in, no speeches by some person who doesn't even know us.

Nice and simple.

i considered mine a few years back when i was ill, i told my son i wanted a cremation with no service or anybody present, i left it for him to decide if he wanted to scatter my ashes or leave it to the crematorium, all i want him and his family to do is take a day off and do something as a family, i want this because i watched my son at age 16 at his fathers funeral and i don't want him to have to suffer that pain again, he is my only child and after i have gone he will be on his own.

My late husband donated his body to Medical Science - as he said 'Student Drs need to practice on real bodies'. He was then privately cremated but I wasn't informed. I had a Service of Remembrance afterwards.
I have made the same decision - at 88 I have outlived most of my close friends and family, only having 2 close relatives left. I also don't like burials, feeling graves leave a huge responsibility on those left as they get older.

SewnSew I think as she was Catholic you should have a small service as your husband and son think is fitting.

It honours her life - and what harm can it do?

It will be easy to arrange and need not be a huge affair.

sharonarnott - I don't think people's cremation "remains" are useful to plants at all.
I thought they killed plants in fact?

Marg75 - could your ashes be buried with your husband or is it the scattering you want?

I have already told my daughters that I don't want a funeral. My body has to go straight to the crematorium and they can do what they want with my ashes. No funeral no tears just nothing.

NotSpaghetti, it's the scattering I want, it's where I spent my childhood, with seabirds & choughs!! I feel strongly about it but don't want to feel guilty somehow, we've been together for 55 years. I think I may have to persuade him to be cremated as well, we can fly free together!!

Surely to goodness there should be a rite of passage when someone dies? Haven't thought much about my own funeral but always go to other funerals when I can because small funerals seem so bleak. The few relatives and friends need to be supported, in my opinion.

My husband died suddenly. We had a humanist funeral attended by a lot of friends and family. It gave everyone the opportunity to say goodbye, read poems, stories songs. Some said it was the best funeral they had been to. He’s in a double plot and I will join him. I think basic cremations are only for the very old whose friends and family have already died. People need a rite of passage. I need to know where he is

My sister donated her body to science.
She has just been notified that it is no longer needed , so she has to think again
As she is 85 this has come as a bit of a concern

Mads

My husband died yesterday. He is going for a cremation , no ceremony and just a celebration of his life with family at home. We are not great believers despite being brought up in the Church of England and Catholic faith. His ashes will be taken up Coniston Old man in the Lake District. Just perfect for him and us.

So sorry for your loss Mads . It sounds as though his final resting place in the beautiful lake district will be perfect . God Bless 😘

This has got me thinking , I definitely don't want to be buried . I changed my mind about this as my parents are both buried together , the memorial stone my father chose has proved difficult to keep clean and tidy and over the years they have become lost in amongst many more graves . I don't want to lie amongst people I don't know .
I try to clean and tidy it at least twice a year but my health issues this year have prevented this and I'm only too aware there will come a time when it will get left .
I will either have a woodland burial or cremation I think and so will my husband . Sadly as we all get older our circles get less , friend and family pass and funerals get smaller unless you are a person of some notability which I am not .
This thread has prompted me to leave a little note with my will and maybe I'll leave some eulogy notes because who knows us better than ourselves at the end of the day .