Paternal grandparents

We were so determined to keep an even balance between our respective parents, and I say parents, because they remain parents when they become grandparents, that it was my mother, who complained because we gave DH's parent's precedence.

We didn't, but DHs parents were non drivers, so he always collected them and took them home and I would often go for the ride.

Hello all you lovely fellow paternal grandmothers
I’m almost crying reading this as I understand totally
I’ve been a bit depressed because I find treading on egg shells so draining so I don’t upset anybody to enable us to see our precious grandsons .. I’m having a blood test next week to see if I’m a bit low in vitamins or something but I know for sure some of my feelings are because I love our granbavies so much and sometimes I feel spiteful words are directed at me from one of my DILs
I don’t react .. I’m frightened to .. I could say more but would be here all night .. love our boys so much .. we see the 150 mile away ones as much as we can but the 30 mile away ones .. I get 3 hours .. that’s it .. here and there .. it bliddy hurts .. I keep telling myself to be grateful I’m still here to enjoy them and feel blessed after hearing of a friend and her husband who have passed away and they have two adult children and 2 grandchildren that they will never see again 😢 so I’m so upside down .. and feel guilty for complaining

Surely it says something about our relationships with our sons if they are happy to let their wives cut us out of their and their family's lives.

We live 200 miles from DS and DiL's mother lives 2 miles and in 16 years we have never felt excluded. DS and family come to us for part of each school holiday (the whole family is in the education sector), we usually visit at half term. I cannot envisage a situation where DS would accept his wife cutting him and their children off from his family.

As a DiL(aren't we nearly all) I think DiL's take far too much flak for unrecognised or unadmitted dissonances between mothers and sons.

I sometimes think that some grandmothers, in particular, tend to love, not wisely, but too well.

Surely it says something about our relationships with our sons if they are happy to let their wives cut us out of their and their family's lives. It's a very hard thing to have to face M0nica especially when there's total estrangement and you'd once been so close.

Regardless of the extent of any pressure from their wives/partners we have to accept that ultimately when there's little or no contact, they are the ones ultimately responsible .

M0nica Surely it says something about our relationships with our sons if they are happy to let their wives cut us out of their and their family's lives.

Indeed. Rarely noted but entirely true.

Same with daughters and their husbands.

I agree that men should be responsible and I taught my son's to be that way. This still takes away from the deep hurt that paternal parents feel and to to discount how they feel just adds salt to the wound. From a childs perspective, it's hurtful too. I'm speaking from my own experience as a child whose mother made sure her own parents had a better relationship with myself and siblings. When I asked to stay with my paternal grandparents she would tell me they didn't care about me. My Dad's parents were in fact a loving and caring family. My Dad was a loving parent and tried to make things fair but it was fight with my mother and she usually got her way. Ultimately my paternal Grandma lived to be 101 yrs old and I spent the quality time in her later years that I would like to have as a child.

I taught my son's to stand up for their parents too but sometimes the mother gets her way anyway. Haven't you heard the expression that mother's are usually the gatekeeper for their children. As a child my mother was the gatekeeper and made sure we were closer to her parents and I have fond memories yet I wish I had been closer to my Dad's parents. My parents argued over time or lack of it with his family, but my mom got her way. Mother's ought to teach their daughters to be fair too. As a child I would ask to stay with my Dad's parents, but my Mom would tell me they didn't care. I don't think that was the case, but why would a parent tell their child that even if true. My Dad's Mother lived to be 101 years old and I got to spend a lot of quality time in later years and so glad I did. She was a wonderful woman

Smileless I know estrangement happens and it is tragic and I was not thinking about situations like that. I was thinking about the run-of-the-mill cases where grandparerents do not think they see grandchildren enough.

Surely if the relationship is anywhere near open and expressive before your DS forms a partnership and has children, then there should be no difficulty talking issues through afterwards. Obviously as in any relationship you talk in a manner that is acceptable and non-confrontational. Most parents surely know the best and most acceptable way to talk to their children that does not offend.

I’m the mother of three sons you will always take a back seat. My advice back off and give yourself some thinking time. Don’t have a go at your son he has to live with your dil and will always side with her. Just be there and visit when you can accept the balance.

Harris27 ... son he has to live with your dil and will always side with her.

I disagree. Fully functioning adults capably do as they wish.

I gather, from people we know, the numbers are fairly equal in sons or daughters who walk away - for whatever reasons. Their spouse isn't doing the walking - the AC is choosing to estrange no forced siding.

If it was SiL stopping their wives from visiting their parents, a great cry of domestic abuse would go up.

Why should we be accepting and understanding when it is DiL's supposedly stopping their DH's visiting their parents? Come to that why are so many men acquiescing with being their wive's poodles. Is it they way they were brought up.

AsInsaid before, I am not talking about families where there has been serious estrangement, but the run of the mill incidences where sons cant be bothered.

Sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose!

M0nica

If it was SiL stopping their wives from visiting their parents, a great cry of domestic abuse would go up.

Why should we be accepting and understanding when it is DiL's supposedly stopping their DH's visiting their parents? Come to that why are so many men acquiescing with being their wive's poodles. Is it they way they were brought up.

AsInsaid before, I am not talking about families where there has been serious estrangement, but the run of the mill incidences where sons cant be bothered.

Sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose!

I’ve heard accusations of abuse regardless of gender when parents aren’t getting the contact they think they should. Whenever I’ve heard someone talk about a strained relationship with their AC, the majority of the time it’s blamed on the partner. Estrangement the number seems even higher to blame the spouse.

Not a formal study, of course, just my observations.

all of that mercury. It’s as if people think heir adult children are somehow entirely incapable of being a part of the decision to keep them at bay. It’s always those early dils abusing their sons into not contacting them or giving dear mother anything they want.

I think it’s a similar reaction to blaming the Other Woman when a husband cheats. It’s easier to blame the outsider and focus anger there than to really accept the betrayal/rejection of someone you love.

I’m not saying that there’s emotional incest happening, to be clear. It’s just the best comparison of blaming a third party that I can think of.