This thread is great. Wish I could remember them in the moment, but I'm not quick witted enough to spit them out when most needed! Thanks for the smiles though!
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The wittiest put-downs ever?
(98 Posts)Just wanted to share these- they are wonderful and I bet we can all think of some deserving recipients
These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Insults then, had some class!
1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde
9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.
22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
Great thread - thanks foxygloves
When Dolly Parton was told she was a dumb blonde she replied "I'm not dumb and I'm certainly not blonde"
Next time he touched me I told him "don't touch what you can't afford ". He never touched me again
This happend to me once in a pub. I told him "Dont touch the goods sonny, you couldnt keep me in hairpins!"
I like the Dame Edna put down to someone on her show, ‘lovely dress dear, it looks very….affordable.
We were at a wedding once and a ‘friend’ called across the church ‘I see you’ve been busy with the sewing machine 00mam’.
A work colleague got locked in the toilet at work and when she got out another colleague said "Well I hope your are going to put that down as time off in Lieu!"
In my early 20s I started working for a bank. A colleague was too touchy feely for my liking and it made me uncomfortable, more so as a very naive person. I mentioned it to a female colleague who gave me words of advice. Next time he touched me I told him "don't touch what you can't afford ". He never touched me again.
I don't often come up with quick responses but one I am proud of from years ago. I saw someone I worked with while I was dressed for a night out, I usually wear glasses but didn't on this occasion. He said "you look better without your glasses" I replied "funnily enough so do you"
Brightened my day, thank you 👏👏
Love this thread!
If invited to something I don’t fancy I often reply
“Can’t make it, I’ll be taking my library books back”
Once, at a public meeting, the presenter burped on stage as he was about to start. He immediately apologised. And I, in a louder voice than intended, said “Grunted.”
It took several minutes before he gained control of the meeting again.
If only I was as quick-witted these days …
Have you noticed that when someone begins a sentence with "So" they often go on to ask an impertinent personal question? Its a kind of power thing.
My polite response to that is "I dont mind you asking impertinent personal questions so long as you dont mind my not answering"
The not so polite response is along the lines of "So long as you dont mind my telling you to $$$$ off and mind your own business".
Sone years ago at work there was a young girl who although quite ordinary thought an awful lot of herself. One day she was standing at the filing cabinet when two guys came into the office and stood by her waiting to get a file out. She fluttered her eyelashes and flicked her hair and said ‘Ooh you’re just like bees around a honeypot’ One of them quipped straight back ‘More like flies round a cows arse’ I’ll never forget it, her face was a picture.
sodapop
kittylester
Thank you foxy. Those are the sort of thing that I think of an hour or so later.
Brilliant ripostes. Like kittylester I always think of a witty reply an hour too late.
I usually think of the comeback much too late but on one occasion a school pupil said "Miss, your hair is going really grey!" For once I replied immediately with "I know, but when you're my age you'll be bald!" You should have seen his face and heard his protestations!
"Your wife, sir, under the pretense of keeping a bawdy house, is a receiver of stolen goods"
-Samuel Johnson
One of the very best I’ve heard was at a meeting with a speaker.
He was a bank manager from Cardiff
Addressed the room in abroad Welsh accent
As soon as he spoke one of the men went “Baaah” immitating a sheep
Reply - Well that’s where I learned to be quick do you see
Because if you weren’t quick you got the ugly one!
Rousing applause from the audience
They call him Bungalow,he has nothing on top.
Beauty is only skin deep,but she is wearing her face inside out.
Every one has the right to be stupid,but some people just abuse it.
Has anyone else experienced shingles, now 3 weeks in and the pain is excruciating, I am living on co-codomol. I never realised how debilitating this disease is and even though my husband and I are both over 70 we have never been offered any jabs, I didn't know they were available until I saw the campaign on the television. When I have got over this I shall make sure we are both inoculated, I wouldn't wish this on anyone
“I never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
“God created war so Americans would learn geography.”
~ All above, Mark Twain ~
I’ve always loved the witty Prime Minister and Groucho Marx was pretty searing!
Thank you foxygloves for starting this!
USA Gundy
Mrs Merton interviewing Debbie McGhee:
“So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?”
The former prime minister of New Zealand, Robert Muldoon when asked if he was worried that so many Kiwis were leaving for Australia said "that's fine as they raise the average IQ of both countries."
Great thread, although it reminded me of being on the receiving end of a catty put down from an unpleasant girl at High School. We were allowed to wear our own summer dresses, with school blazer, in good weather. She looked at my dress and commented, ' That's a nice dress, for a home made one.'
I was a sensitive soul and that hurt!
They’re brilliant, Foxy!
Don't you wish you could think of something like these when needed .
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