Daughters boyfriend has moved on.

Who broke up?

The person initiating the breakup is usually faster to move on as he/she made the decision and have mentally moved already

There is also the chance that he was cheating

Anyway, there is nothing you can do to make it better for them.

The boys are probably angry which is normal and maybe their dad not living with mum will make the transition a little easier.

Break ups are never easy but time does help to ease the pain.

You talk about 11 years ‘together’ but say they don’t live together as he works in another part of the country. In all that time and after bearing him two children why has your daughter been unable to move in with him, even marry him? Where has he spent Christmases, birthdays and other important events? It sounds to me as though he has been living a double life for a long time.

Sounds very much like a double life to me too, after 11 years and two children I would have thought they would have made some commitment to each other. How often was he home ?

He came home every week end and spent time together. But he stayed with his mother. Spoke everyday on the phone. I thought they were closer as many married couples. Went holidays, then again his parents went too.

Why couldn't your daughter move to live with him wherever he worked?

It strikes me as always being a very semi-detached relationshship, with him being the detached half and calling the shots.

This does not make the situation easier for your DD or grandsons, but relationships do break up, even long term ones and, at the time it is horrible for all those deserted . All you can do, is make sure you have plenty of paper hankies and tea bags in stock (soft drinks for the boys) and infinite time for cuddles and loves.

Do not bad mouth errant partner or family, bite your tongue. If you do, you will find later on what you say may be used to bite you.

Monica, thank you. Yes indeed no bad mouthing here. Thanks everyone for listening. This is a small town and everyone is related to errant "friend". We did encourage her to move down but house was too small, in country too far from schools Bla bla. I think daughter has known for a good while. She didn't expect this. She is either naive or very trusting.

Why on earth did your daughter have two children in this ‘relationship’? I can’t believe she didn’t suspect he was playing her along. Is he going to maintain the children? What about her financial position? Always the problem with people who have children but don’t marry.

My feeling is that this wasn't a relationship in the sense most of us understand or he would at the very least have stayed with your daughter at the weekends (instead of with his mother).

This doesn't help you or her or the boys today - but at least having never had him living with them the day-to-day will be much the same. Small comfort probably but at least she has her own place and the boys have stability in that respect.

Break ups happen every day so it shouldn't be viewed as a huge disaster. Children will reflect the adult response, after all. They may well see almost as much of their father as before, anyway.

I was once in a 'weekends only' relationship situation. He was far too busy and involved in his career to see me in the week - apparently. I was under the impression that it was serious and he was reliable and faithful (silly me) until he took off with a work colleague!

Thank you everyone. You have all said what I have been thinking over the years. His mother's words are still ringing in my ears from 12 years ago. She said they would never be a couple.

They were not really a couple, but he was dad to his boys, they must be so upset and confused. It’s always the children that suffer and it can scar. I’m old fashioned, I wouldn’t, even these days, have children without total commitment from the father as children need both parents. Relationship, marriages break up but you have to put children foremost, they don’t ask to be born.

Hetty good point, and so true:
Children will reflect the adult response, after all. They may well see almost as much of their father as before, anyway.

Nevertheless, not a happy place for your daughter to find herself.

Not a nice outcome. I'm sorry

You may want to avoid blaming her for sleeping with her friend unmarried, as much as you or his mum disapproved. Perhaps it would be best to avoid talking about him in a negative tone.

Time heals.

Germanshepherdsmum

Why on earth did your daughter have two children in this ‘relationship’? I can’t believe she didn’t suspect he was playing her along. Is he going to maintain the children? What about her financial position? Always the problem with people who have children but don’t marry.

Married or not doesn't make a difference!!

Germanshepherdsmum

You talk about 11 years ‘together’ but say they don’t live together as he works in another part of the country. In all that time and after bearing him two children why has your daughter been unable to move in with him, even marry him? Where has he spent Christmases, birthdays and other important events? It sounds to me as though he has been living a double life for a long time.

My thoughts too.
It's not uncommon.

However, "friend" seems an odd way to describe your DD's partner, father of your DGC, Oortne
Did you look on him as a son-in-law or was he someone who just wandered in and out of your lives on a whim?

It makes a very big difference when people split up. No divorce law to protect the unmarried.

Ali08

Germanshepherdsmum

Why on earth did your daughter have two children in this ‘relationship’? I can’t believe she didn’t suspect he was playing her along. Is he going to maintain the children? What about her financial position? Always the problem with people who have children but don’t marry.

Married or not doesn't make a difference!!

It does.

Is he named on the birth certificates as the father?
What about financial arrangements?
Is the DD's property in his name too?
Who benefits in their wills?

Being married makes the world of difference, no question about that. To the law. To the children. Having children is the most important thing in people’s life so why not get married? Once you have a child it’s for life, that piece of paper helps. However all that’s hindsight now. He’s free and single.
She has to think how she copes now on her own, million’s do it, so will she. Hopefully he will keep contact with the boys.

I would have thought more of him if he worked away but came home to her at weekends, but he didn’t he worked away all week and went home to his mum !!! Not a relationship at all it was ‘friends with benefits’ and naive of your daughter to have two babies with not even a part time man, but she did and now she’s on her own and at least she has her two boys it doesn’t sound as if he is wanting to have them
All you can do is support, no blame really, both acted daft. The boys will be fine once they settle into a routine without him around it doesn’t sound as if he’s played much of a part in their lives anyway

Your daughter has been a single parent ever since the birth of her sons; their father has simply been a friend with benefits. She needs to get the financial side sorted as soon as possible with regard to maintenance for her sons, plus arrangements for contact, led by what the boys want.

The significant comment is his mother's: 'they will never be a couple'; obviously not ashamed that her son is scared of commitment. It seems that if your daughter had moved she would have been expected to move in with mummy as well.

I hope your daughter is living independently and can manage financially; eleven years a mother with an absent partner means she can cope, and the departure of this useless mummy's boy may well be a blessing in disguise, although obviously she won't see this at present. She is well rid of him.

For those that asked. Money side is always been fine. As is the wills. They boys have dad's name. So far I have not come in contact with dad or his family. But when I do I won't be saying anything negative. Thanks everyone and as for me classing him as a friend. They have been just that for many many years. You watch your children and see what the future may end.

I wish you and your family the best going forward Oortne, it’ll take time, but you’ll get there.

Oortne the only priorities are your daughter and grandchildren and clearly your daughter has managed without her ex being around in the week, so she must be pretty resilient. As long as the financial side is OK and access to the children can be organised to everyone's benefit, it will all be fine. If everything can be civil and without rancour, it is so much more to the children's benefit. Relationships of all kind do break down but they don't have to "break" people. Good luck