Rape

If its affected you badly and hurting in the present, then ring Domestic Abuse people.

Not sure there is a right answer x

I have been raped (not involving alcohol) in the 90 s I m not going to go into any details but I dealt with it myself in my own head and I can’t say that I dwell on it in any way, it was something that happened and is long gone and has become a memory that I only occasionally think of
If it bothers you regularly then talk it over with a counsellor but don’t drag it up for the sake of it not everything has to be brought to the surface sometimes it’s best to just accept that it is part of your past and belongs just there……in your past

I don’t find the Coronation Street storyline on rape convincing. She was consensual right up to the last minute, so drunk she didn’t know what she was doing, just hazy memories. He was also drunk. I wouldn’t be pursuing the accusation it if I were her.
Not one for mulling over the past, it was 50 years ago, I would not drag it up. I was very nearly raped, wasn’t, but the threat of violence from him frightened me more. I had to put it behind me and concentrate on the now. I wasn’t prepared to be a victim but learnt to be more aware as I was quite innocent then. In the end it’s your word against theirs, who knows which way it will go and you could bankrupt yourself.

Grannie54, don’t consider whether it was a different time. Women continue to feel responsible and be blamed by others for sexual offences committed against them.
Look after yourself, acknowledge what happened and don’t blame yourself. As time moves on, if you feel you’d be helped by talking about it, Victim Support or rape crisis may be able to help. If you can afford to pay, make sure you find a well qualified therapist.

Yes I had a situation in the 60s where I felt I had to have sex to get away although I didn't want to. I felt it was my fault then, but I see it differently now and I have never really dwelt on it or let it affect me.

As for Coronation Street, Amy was unconsious so how could she possibly have given last minute consent. Even though he was drunk, it must have been obvious she wasn't responding at all. I think that will become clearer to him at some point as he thinks back and he will drop the case against her.

Yes, as others have said. Sex because not having sex would have led to a violent rape. Which is still rape. Sadly more than once.

But as BlueBelle said, I've moved on and don't dwell on it. I'm not sure times have changed that much though. While we do recognise it as rape now, even violent rape with witnesses and injuries rarely result in convictions, so these private assaults would be laughed out of both the police station and court.

I am sorry that happened to you Grannie, there are a number of organisation including rape crisis who you can speak to.
Not rape but sexual assault because I didnt know how to stop it. I am afraid I think incidences like this are common.

Afraid I can’t agree lyndylou about the coronation street story they were both off their faces, she was necking drink back as much as him, she was well up for a kiss and cuddle, how did he know in his drunken state that she didn’t want more the were both to blame. Had she have been drunk because he was plying her with drinks, then yes, full on rape but this is such a misty line, she needed to keep herself safe too.

As for her giving permission I don’t remember ever being asked …you go from one stage to the next, to the next, you don’t stop play and the bloke say ‘ excuse me would you like sex with me’ 🤣

Please don't blame yourself. I'm sure Rape Crisis would be able to recommend someone if you do feel them need to talk to about this. Yes, it was a different time and attitudes were very different then, but it still doesn't make it right. Some people are able to put these things behind them and move on, but sometimes they can resurface and hit you when you least expect them to.

It is so sad that so many of us, myself included, had to consent, unwillingly to sex as the lesser evil ( or rape, as we would now call it). My DD had to fight someone off too, someone she worked with who interpreted her chatty, friendly behaviour on an evening out as an invitation. She did not report him to the police, but when she found out he wasn't the first victim in their workplace, she reported him, denounced him loudly in front of work colleagues and quit. She was planning on leaving (temp job) in the next week or so anyway, but hopefully she managed to do a great deal of damage to his career and reputation. Bastard.

As for her giving permission I don’t remember ever being asked …you go from one stage to the next, to the next, you don’t stop play and the bloke say ‘ excuse me would you like sex with me’ 🤣

Yes of course you do, but each stage is mutual. You are responding to kisses and touches and so it builds up. But if one partner is not kissing back then or even moving into the appropriate positions then surely the other knows not to go on.
He would actually have had to move her into position himself so it must have been obvious then she was completely out of it.

As for assuming someone is up for it because they are happy to kiss and cuddle, I can not believe I am hearing that in 2023. Either partner should be able to say no at any stage.

Allsorts
"She was consensual right up to the last minute, so drunk she didn’t know what she was doing, "

That is the definition of rape, how can anybody consent without the mental faculty?

BlueBelle

I have been raped (not involving alcohol) in the 90 s I m not going to go into any details but I dealt with it myself in my own head and I can’t say that I dwell on it in any way, it was something that happened and is long gone and has become a memory that I only occasionally think of
If it bothers you regularly then talk it over with a counsellor but don’t drag it up for the sake of it not everything has to be brought to the surface sometimes it’s best to just accept that it is part of your past and belongs just there……in your past

Bravo- and yes, to some extent, as with anything bad that happens to you (as in any of us)- how you react to it, and whether you let it affect your life long term- is a choice. Not an easy one, but a choice.

I think people on this thread need to understand consent.

Consent is how we now determine whether our actions are wanted or appropriate.

Just watch this

youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ

Thank you VioletSky! Very appropriate and informative.

my goodness Allsorts I do hope you haven't taught your children being consenual until the last minute means you cant say NO ! Thats quite shocking even back in the 70's we knew no meant no!

I hate victim shaming but try to choose education over anger

There is something about the casual nature of the assaults that we have experienced that is hard to describe. The only one I have ever heard who was able to describe the mundanity of it was Germaine Greer. I was listening to her being interviewed about rape and I had to pull over as the way she articulated what had happened to me (without knowing me obviously) made me cry. It's something about no violence, no drama, just something that happens every day. She desc

She described it with much more clarity than I have.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It's not just rape that lives with people forever. It's other forms of sexual assault and "nearly-rapes" too.

I know nothing of the Coronation Street story but women (and some men too) are "living with it" all over the world.

The situation you found yourself in Violet is particularly horrible for its shaming/blaming and isolating afterwards.

Education and empathy is required here - and safe reporting.

Was it a different time? Should I live with it? - asks Grannie54. Yes it was a different time - I think we have come a distance now and believe that if we can't consent then there is no consent.
Now we need a better way to report and prosecute.
Should you live

... should you live with it? This is only for you to know.

Safe reporting is lovely but achieves nothing when the prosecution rate is 1 %.

60 yrs ago I was 13 I went with a friend in her boyfriends car with another boy , I was told by the driver I was to let him have sex or I would be left to walk home , I didn't argue , I did as i was told ,he wasn't aggressive or forceful physically . My friend was in the back seat with her boyfriend . It was done quietly and quickly and I never told as soul . This is the first time I've ever openly acknowledged it . I've never let it affect me I just accepted it , but did think I was to blame for going in the car with who I thought were nice boys ! I now realise I was naive and so very very young