What constitutes financial abuse ?

If somebody spends (or saves) too much, it's reasonable for the other partner to take over the financial management.

When wages were paid in cash, one chap where my OH worked was not allowed to collect his wage packet. His wife came to collect it and handed him his 'pocket money'. Of course, they all joked about it - but he had a gambling problem.

That is exactly what we do Dee1012 works well for us. I was 'stung' as well in my first marriage so this suits me fine.
You say you are happy with the current arrangements PinkCosmos but yet you question it on here. In my experience financial issues can undermine a marriage .

I think it is an issue if the way money is allocated detracts from living in partnership. DH and I have always regarded all money as joint money, so the small inheritances, bonuses and lump sums we have had have been divided equally. We usually give a small proportion each to our sons if we have an unexpected benefit. We each have our own bank accounts and each pay a proportion of the bills. DH pays me a sum every month to ensure we are in exactly the same position as his income is a little more than mine. (lucky bloke, as he is semi retired too!) If we need to buy or pay for anything we divide it equally between us. We have always been happy together and never fallen out about money.

My first husband amongst other things was financially abusive. Although at the time, the early 1980’s, I didn’t know it was such a thing. I was at home with babies and had no access to money, despite him being a business man. Obviously not a very good one though, as utilities were often cut off, rented tv taken away, mortgage not paid etc. Despite that he had a good social life and expensive hobbies. I often only had 20p in my purse.
In my opinion financial abuse means that one of the partnership is having a better standard of living than the other half.

I think every parnership will organise its accounts in a way that suits them. There is a no right or wrong. But the result should be that each member of the partnership has equal access to the assets, cash and capital, unless there is good reason for that to happen - when faced with a seriously spendthrift partner, where there is a second marriage and assets need to be protected for the children of the first marriage to inherit and other similar things.

As some have said, a relationship is not abusive if both couples are happy with it, but I have doubts about that, if one person is clever enough they can manipulate the other person, to agree to arrangements that are inherently abusive.

That’s very sad Meryl. Usually you can’t fake a generous spirit. It must have been quite a shock.

My husband was very happy for me to give up work when our first child was born. I, too, revelled in my new role of stay at home mummy.

However, I have found that even when he is home, he is not too keen on looking after our children for more than 30 to 60 minutes each day.

Also, he has his salary paid into an account which I have no access to. He gives me money when I need it but I feel awkward having to ask.

When I raise these issues, he says he doesn't want to discuss it.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I might deal with them? Or do I just need to accept that this is how things will be?

ANOTHER OLD THREAD RESURRECTED.

You might want to start a new thread Penelope2020 but you might get better responses from Mumsnet,

Whoops, sorry

Chewbacca

In your shoes, I'd have my salary paid into my own personal account and then transfer exactly 50% of the anticipated monthly bills into the joint account. OH should do the same. The income from the joint part time work could be left in the joint account to pay for holidays etc. Financial abuse is where one person is taking advantage of the other. Do you think that you're in this position PinkCosmos?

This.

I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement. You should have your own bank account and just agree to put an equal amount into a separate account to cover all bills, food, heating, holidays etc.,. Why should you put all your money into the joint account while your DH only puts in enough to cover the bills and spends the rest on himself. I wouldn’t be happy with that. What about the rainy days. Has he never learned to save money.

Dec, 21🙁