Lossof an adoptive child

I agree BradfordLass

It’s not a subject I know very much about, so certainly don’t feel qualified to offer advice.

But it seems to me Susie, that your daughter tried to do a really good thing, and from what you say, tried very hard.

The little boys needs are clearly the most important thing, and if your daughter found herself unable to cope, I’m sure she did the right thing.

Easy to judge, but 24 hour constant care, for a very challenging little child would defeat most of us I expect.

You could look at it like rather than "fail" him she showed he was worth trying for!

Might not feel like that now. But when you help someone you dont always "succeed" at fixing their problem. You dont always "suceed" at having your help accepted. But youve still shown them that someone thought they were worth trying to help!

How sad and heartbreaking for your dd, the child, and you all. I have no doubt that your dd has done her very best and it's not her fault if the little boy's problems are just too great for her to cope with.

I know how long drawn out and difficult the adoption process can be, since a dd's single friend has recently been through it, so it must be doubly devastating for your dd.

Really terribly sad for all of you and I'm sure your daughter thought long and hard about every single thing.

I don't think being a single parent has anything to do with the breakdown of the placement and it is equally upsetting for all.

I am grateful for your comments! He has been taken back by the foster carers and will now stay with them indefinitely ! It was not my daughter’s decision for him to be removed but CAMHS realised how traumatised he is! He bit her, spat at her, kicked her, tried to smother her, tried to strangle her! She used therapeutic parenting which actually brought his issues to the surface! He shows all the traits of Reactive Attachment Disorder! It has been such a steep learning curve for everybody! We are all very sad obviously but ?he will now receive the correct intervention and will grow into a lovely boy we only glimpsed in occasions!
He was part of our lives for almost a year including introductions, transition and moving in!
Time now for everyone to heal and mend! Little one will take longer as we are aware but my daughter will remain in touch in some way so he does not feel abandoned.

He has not been rejected!!

She will remain part of his journey and his time with her may still benefit him long term x

It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a whole town to raise a child with attachment disorder. The care and love your daughter and family have already given him may be the foundations he needs for the next stage.

She clearly could never have given him EVERYTHING he needs but she has contributed, even if it was for a shorter time than anticipated

Sometimes with CAMHS things are not put in place until other things "fail"

He might never had got the right help had it not been proven that an adoption wont work at this point

Just another one in the long list of pillar-to-post children.

What is "therapeutic parenting"?

With attachment disorder being cared for and safe can bring it all to the forefront and it can become quite dangerous for the child and the placement. If theyve previously had hurt where they should have love, when they get love they respond with hurt. The two are so intertwined.

It can take several placements for them to trust ppl that give them care it does not mean the first one "failed"

It sounds as if back with the foster family is where he needs to be, it's good that it is indefinite. Very best wishes to all concerned.

He is not a pillar to post child. He was physically hurt by a person of trust and that’s one bit we do know about. He is 6! We have no idea what else he has experienced or been exposed to. With being fostered by the people who know him but have NEVER experienced his unpredictable behaviour, he will now access the psychiatric help he so desperately requires.
Therapeutic parenting takes a child back to the nurturing stage of development. This is often a stage where a child has been neglected and his/her development has been ignored. It is different to more disciplined parenting as it tries to allow the child’s level of cortisol to be managed plus hopefully gets parts of the brain to work in a caring, attached way. Look up RAD . IT is fascinating to read

Susieq62
It sounds like your daughter has been wonderful, very experienced, and that your whole family have been loving and caring.

I am sorry that you have had to justify the outcome on here to one or two critics in particular who clearly have no understanding or experience of situations like these. It has been cruel for it to be suggested that this little boy is "a pillar to post child" and I am sorry this has been said to you.

for you and for your daughter. You are the heroes in a cruel and difficult world, and have my admiration.

Thank you for your kind words! We just hope my daughter will heal from the abuse and sense of failure plus desperately want young man to access the help he needs

Oh well sparkefizz I thought Gonegirls first post about the rejection this little boy must be feeling was valid. And, as an already damaged child, recovery for him will be harder than that of the OP and her daughter, who already have their place in a loving and supportive family.

But obviously as an adopted child in a family of adopted children I have “no understanding or experience of situations like these.”

Eglantine21 I thought it was a given that sympathy was with a damaged child, and that indeed Susieq's daughter's heart must have gone out to him in order to try to care for him and give him the love and home that he had never had.

What I thought was wrong was the implied criticism of the daughter for trying her best. I didn't point fingers or name posters.

Not much!

Well, as there were only two of us who expressed anything other than totall sympathy for the adopterand you pointed out ‘one or two” who had “no knowledge or understanding” it didn’t take a genius to work out who you were talking about.

Adopters are not “heroes”. I think that reveals something about your own view of adoption and those involved in it.

I think I’d better stop there.

It was not a straightforward adoption. He is a little boy with complex mental health needs.

All my post reveals about me is that I am a kind person who admires other kind people.

'Nuff said.

Ummm, no.......

What a sad situation for everyone involved.

As someone who maybe has more experience than most posting here I feel sympathy for susieq her daughter and the little boy. I adopted a sibling group who had a 50:50 chance of inheriting an awful disease and that is all we were told. But the elder boy (2 when he came to us) turned out to have tremendous mental health issues which only came to light after the adoption. By which time the adoption services didn't want to know. My ex left because he couldn't take it but I struggled on mainly by myself because social services didnt want to know. I was attacked many times as were his siblings and I was forever being called to the school for his behaviour or running away. At the age of 15 he walked out of the door to go to live with foster parents without looking back at his siblings. He no longer wanted anything to do with us and that was it. Later when at a young offenders institute he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and other mental health issues. Now 14 years later he is in the last phases of his inherited disease and still isn't interested in seeing any of his family. So yes I do think the little boy going back to the foster carers is a good thing because he is more likely to get the help he needs now.

Very sad for you but some children are so very damaged emotionally and need very special support.

Very sad but looking back maybe not the wisest move of social services to take him away from the foster parents who it appears from your subsequent posts he had a good relationship with at the age of 5 when he was probably starting school so loads of new scary changes to cope with and give to a single mum (You say foster parents so presumably a Dad too)
I feel for your daughter but she has tried for a year and he’s spent a year telling her in the only way he knows how that he doesn’t want to be with her he wants to be back where he was familiar (you don’t say how long he was in the foster home but he sounded settled)
I think this is the best solution all round especially if it’s long term fostering
This child unfortunately has maybe been ‘given’ mental health issues by this whole uprooting Taken from an obviously harmful situation into a place he was settled and happy (you say none of this occurred in the foster parents home) had a year of fighting to get back to where he wanted to be which he has accomplished to the detriment of your daughter He did not bite and kick and abuse your daughter because he didn’t like her but because he had been taken from a familiar situation against his wishes I don’t think it shows this boy as having mental health issues I think it has shown him as a ‘determined fighter’
I hope your daughter recovers and I hope he settles back where he wants to be