Rude guests. Or is it me?

Honestly I can hardly believe some peoples manners at times! We have stayed with two different sets of friends this year for around 3 nights and on each visit I have taken flowers and chocs on arrival and given the hostess some lovely Avon goodies on our departure. They seemed thrilled and I offered to help with cooking of meals etc. We have been invited again, so that speaks volumes!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

When we moved from London to beautiful rural Devon, we had 21 different sets of visitors in the first year. It was such a strain. I was recently bereaved, and we had two young children and were broke because we hadn’t yet found work. People I barely knew invited themselves. One chap invited himself every single school holiday, bringing a different new girlfriend every time. I decided to start saying no, so the next time he asked, I said no, we’re hoping to go away ourselves. There was a shocked silence, and then he said ‘But you ARE away’.

Shazam you are not being crabby but you are being sorely put upon. It is time for the worm to turn!! What cheek, what nerve from your guests who are using you as a convenience. If, like me, you hate confrontation, you'll just have to fib next time they intend honouring you with their unsolicited presence. Tell them both you have other people staying, if they push it & wheedle that you've done it before, say yes and we had bad backs for ages so we're definitely not prepared to do that again. Say you are decorating a bedroom and the other is in use by yourselves, you've got vomitting & diarrhea, you have plans, you're going away it's a surprise for your hubby so you cannot share, you're having the carpets shampooed & they need to dry, your other half has flu or bronchitis and cannot heard the thought of all the extra work & disruption so it will have to be 'no' but obviously they will understand. My mum used to call their behaviour 'bare faced cheek's and it is. We would visit our in laws for weekends years ago but never arrive empty handed, frequently took a joint of meat & wine or home baking, mucked in with chores etc and they did the same when visiting us. When our good friends stay they bring either wine or a plant or flowers, when we go there we take wine, or a cheese selection or strawberries in season and I always strip the bed. We never,ever assume we can stay either, nor do we expect expensive meals of each other & always a thank you message after. It won't be easy but you need to stand firm, the first time will be the hardest. My B and SiL won't stay with us because I cannot provide them with a double room each! I have offered one double room with quality mattress & one single room with them having sole use of our newly refurbished bathroom with rainfall shower but that's not enough! My hubby says tough bananas then but it does mean we do all the driving to see them and it's important to me not to lose contact with my only brother who is pretty easy going, she's hard to please. She's already told me our spare double won't have the right mattress and is 'only' a double and a single cannot be countenanced. She would however consider the master with ensuite!! We did say oh dear what a shame its up to you that's what we have & cannot change itand suggested a nearby reasonaby priced pretty B&B in the country that we have used ourselves but even that doesn't meet requirements because it only does continental breakfast (they don't do cooked at home!!)

I would certainly be "not at home" next time they tell you they are coming.

I suppose you could say that they are welcome, but will need to pay for their meals.

Heavens! I wouldn’t put up with that. Bloomin’ cheek. Good advice above - take your pick. I stay with friends in France for a week each year. This year I had a ‘shopping’ list from them for items they can’t source so arrived with a big bag full of goodies from Waitrose. When we’re in the local market I pick up the tab and I always take them out for dinner on the last night. It’s only fair when taking advantage of their hospitality.

Jillybird you have made me laugh ? and it's the weird peeps that make the world wonderful ? I'm the mum of a wonderful but self professed 'weird' young man whom I wouldn't change for all the tea in China. I reckon weird is a superpower? I find substituting certain words with "wibble" most effective ?

Rude, rude, rude. Taken you completely for granted and not valued your time or hospitality. I'd never have them in my house again.

Madmaggie, you made me laugh with the description of your SIL.
She sounds like Pauline from the TV series 'Mum'
You're not a script writer are you?

People inviting themselves to stay would be my worse nightmare, I don't even like having visitors without prior notice (suffer bad anxiety) The only people I'm happy to have stay over are our little people. As far as I'm concerned they can stay whenever they want. I'm also not keen on staying at other people's homes but again that is due to my mh, I like the "safety" of my own home. That saying if I do have to stay somewhere (when it was my dad's funeral we had to stay 2 nights with relatives) we made sure we bought both hosts their tipple of choice to say thank you. Same as bil who animal sat while we was away, we left a nice bottle of wine for them to enjoy to say thank you.

I really see no need to lie or make excuses. It's not convenient, could we meet up for a meal should suffice.

Goodness, some horror stories on here. Absolutely appalling bad manners. You have been treated very badly. People would get away with this once with me and I wouldn’t entertain them again. Next time just say no! Cheeky buggers!

I also live in a popular tourist town and find that friends of friends and friends of relatives expect to have a holiday with me, often by passing on a message about when they will arrive ? without contacting me directly !!! When I said no to an indirect message last month I was considered a real baddy. I had never met the people concerned and was made to feel guilty so am pleased to read this post. It gives me courage to say NO. Oddly enough it is those kind of visitors who bring nothing and are very faded about foods. Why do they want to stay with a stranger anyway? (rhetorical question?)

I always think that friends do favours for friends without expecting any reward beyond thanks, things usually have a way of working themselves out, without getting into a credit system. But if I stay with friends I think this goes a little bit above the normal 'favour for a friend' and I'd like to think my guests bought a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine if only to show they recognise that money has been spent on food and drink.

DH and I have a guest house in a seaside location. When family and friends come to stay we feel we cannot charge them for their rooms.
So for us it is a double whammy as we are not getting anything for their stay and we are trying to run a business (large mortgage to pay, overheads etc) plus it usually costs us time and money in entertaining them.
Over the years we have come to accept this though as it is nice to get visitors and we usually get a bottle of wine and or flowers,

Definitely be 'away' next time. You are not crabby at all.

An ex-colleague of DH (who I hardly know) and his wife (who I don't know at all)rolled up in their large motor home and parked in our garden. Plenty of room and they slept in their own beds, so no problem. However they hitched up to our electricity and I provided all their meals for about 5 days. As they were leaving, the ex-colleague fished in his pocket and handed me a tenner. (I took it!) but was insulted, not so much because he paid me, but he clearly put such little value on what we had provided. Perversely perhaps, I would have preferred nothing. We'll be away next time they ask.

They did not intend to be unfriendly. People have different ideas of the right thing to do. Obviuously most grans agree with you, so you can infer ,at most ,your guests were eccentric.

If we stay with friends I arrive with a plant or flowers and we always take them out for a meal as I realise that cooking can be the hardest thing for some people. Ironically I prefer to cook for guests but that is my choice.

I once lived in a popular holiday destination with access to many beautiful beaches. One er " friend" asked to stay once when we were due to be away, they had stayed before and not once helped or said thank you etc. They proceeded to ask me to post them a key or leave it with the neighbours. ?
There's no end to some people's cfery.

Is anyone recognising themselves in some of these posts? !!

Daisymay, when I was in my teens and early twenties I took it for granted I was entitled to hospitality from my parents and older brothers. Now they are all dead I wish I could have expressed my appreciation of them more than I did.

Sorry! Daisymae.

I have a friend arriving today for a few days. She comes about twice a year to see her family as she used to live nearby. She will bring me the contents of her fridge .
It will be nice to see her. Unfortunately i never stay with her. Perhaps i should. I prefer my own bed and my own food. ?

Some real horror stories here about guests from hell. It is your home you do what you want and invite who you want. Treating someone else's home and personal space like a hotel or B&B is appalling. Just say NO. I have no experience of this from people staying with us but from those who come for a meal, eat you out of house and home, polish of your wine, do not bring wine, flowers. They do not even send a thank you by note, email, text or invite you back to their home for dinner. Guess what we stopped inviting them and don't see them anymore, their loss not ours. We concentrate our time on those who are real friends. Good luck.