Such a bad day - just a weepy heap

Nothing to add to the many kind and very wise words here, lucky thinking of you x

Maw and Granny23 sum it up beautifully. What a lovely and loving husband you have who understands how hard things have become for you. Huge hugs.

There are so many of us following your story and caring about what happens to you and your DH.

I remember visiting my uncle in a care home and him saying that the lady sitting opposite was visitied daily by her husband who could no longer cope with her at home. He arrived in the morning to help with her breakfast and spent time with her, and came back later in the day. They were very close.

If your DH needs the nursing home then you are still caring for him by letting him go there. You can spend as much time with him as you want and still help with some of his care. Taking the pressure off both of you may well bring you closer together and give you tranquility. x

I can only thank you all for your wise and kind posts, which have helped dredge me out of yesterday's doldrums.

I am absolutely of the same mind that hopefully we could spend better time together when I can relax in the knowledge that his care is being covered and I do not need to have this constantly on my mind.

One of the reasons that this has come up now, apart from his marked deterioration, is that a new nursing home has just been built in our local city - it has been so well-designed with everything that could possibly be needed and lovely views across the city to the Malvern Hills. The seating areas are small - a little library, a little snug etc. on each wing with no big lounges with people parked round the edge. There is a bar, and a cinema screen, and a lovely garden to walk in. And there are terraces with tall glass screens round where people can sit and enjoy the view, protected from the wind. It really does have everything.

As it is new there are vacancies, which won't be the case after a while as it fills up - so we have been presented with a golden opportunity that is unlikely to be repeated. We could choose a good room for him with a view - as he has views here and would miss that.

The finances are of course a big fly in the ointment, but I am looking into this in detail - it will entail raising some money from somewhere for a top-up, but I have an offer from a close relative to be an interest-free bank to cover this, so I do not have to take equity release and pay interest to a bank - the return for him will be when I die.

So - I will try and sort some of this out today without I hope the negative emotion that paralysed me yesterday, and for which you have all been a wonderful source of help. I am so grateful.

Luckygirl it sounds lovely! I do hope it works out.

Late to this thread but having read it all I have to agree that you are making the right decision Lucky. You will be more relaxed when you visit DH if you don't have to do all the personal care.
Take the offered help and arrange the home.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

The timing sounds heaven sent Luckygirl - grasp this with both hands, sadly things are not going to improve and this sounds perfect.

Luckygirl, I can offer no practical advice or help but send you (((hugs))). You know you're doing the right thing for both of you and the new nursing home sounds like a gift from the gods so grasp it with both hands.

Luckygirl such a sad situation for you. I have tears in my eyes reading this.
I think if you spoke to your GP, who will have the interests of both of you, he or she would say you cannot go on like this.
The new care home sounds a wonderful opportunity.
Can Social Services help with financing the cost perhaps by deferring payment until your house is sold in the future?
All best wishes at this difficult time xx

It does sound as if this opportunity has come along at the right time for you both, Luckygirl.
I can imagine the lovely views and can think of so many more dismal places. This sounds ideal and I hope that your DH would feel settled and secure if you do find him a place there.

Good luck

Oh Lucky- just came back from our holiday- and did realise this thread was about you and your OH.

We have just been through this with my older brother - who has been looking after his wife for 2 years at home. After several hospital stays, followed by several stays in various care homes- she begged him every time to take her home- and he never had the heart to say he just couldn't any more. In the end- it became impossible, and it is in fact the medical staff who took him aside and said 'enough, the time has come'. It was hard for him- but now they have got into a rhythm- he first went to see her every day, but now allows himself a couple of days a week to go and see us, or visit friends or go on a train trip (he is a train fanatic), or .... And like others on here, realises now he should have done this much earlier. He no longer feels guilty and is at peace.

Now you have found a great care home, with availibility, just go for it- DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, please, don't. What purpose does guilt serve. Courage xxx

Perhaps time to consider downsizing perhaps?

Luckygirl I've only just read this too and echo what others have said. The new facility sounds amazing and possibly meant to be - I really hope you can manage to secure your husband a room there as I'm sure it will soon have a waiting list.

It's such a dreadful decision to have to make but as Annsixty knows only too well there is also relief to hand over the care to professionals when you are too exhausted to cope any longer. I wish you and your DH well in this next step

So very sorry, luckygirl. I can only echo the experience of Feelingmyage55 with my mother - when she went into a home she was actually happier because she had the security that there was help there at all times. I do hope this will be your OH's experience also, and both of you can hold onto the thought that this is not 'goodbye', just a different place, hopefully you will be able to see him frequently.

Oh this opportunity sounds heaven sent! Thank goodness. This new place sounds wonderful and how nice that you've had a financial offer of help just when you need it most.
Hope everything goes smoothly. ?

Lucky, I think you've made the right decision for all of you and I'm sure when he is settled in, you will both be more relaxed.
Heartwrenching decision all the same.

Luckygirl, glad to hear that you are recovering from the doldrums.
The new nursing home, that you mentioned, sounds ideal, and I hope you get your DH's name down for a place ASAP.
It would appear to have come along at just the right time for you, and the decisions you are being forced to make, and having the offer of financial help is wonderful.
Fingers crossed all works out and is successful.

It sounds a bit like happenstance, lucky.

All good wishes to you and Mr Lucky xx

Lucky I’m so glad you feel better about things today. The brand new home and a room with a view would be perfect. It sounds as though you’ve made the difficult decision and I wish you all the best in taking this forward. You have honestly done your very best for a very long time. xx

Just had a message from the PD nurse to say that nursing home care in this situation is "not unreasonable" and suggesting a different nursing home; and saying that new homes often struggle to establish a good staff team. Did I need this??!!!

It has just made all the doubts and worries re-surface. I was feeling guilty enough anyway. Grrrr!

No, Lucky,you didn’t need this!
I have no experience but I would have thought, conversely, that a newly-established home would be trying very hard to make a good impression. You could ask someone other than the PD nurse and they could see it differently. I’d say don’t be put off by one person’s opinion

Luckygirl please reread maw and granny 23 's posts. The pd nurse doesn't see him every day and you will or your daughters. I do wish I was nearby to help.

To be frank I believe very strongly that all residential/ nursing homes struggle to establish a good staff team, new or not.
With the long experience of my Mother and the much shorter of that of my H the turnover of staff is constant.
They take on totally inexperienced staff who don’t know what they are expected to do and they don’t stay long.
It was very common in my H’s case to find staff huddling in a corner muttering.
I had no issue at all with carers, my issue was with management, I made an official complaint to the CEO of the group who ran his and several others and apart from one instant all my points were upheld.
I do not wish to upset anyone who has had to take this step or is thinking about it, I just want to prepare them to reality.