Such a bad day - just a weepy heap

Personaly I feel this situation largely reflects how poorly carers are paid. A friend of mine purposely chose a Catholic care home so that the motivation for caring would be there.

I agree don’t be put off by one opinion.
Look for yourself, have a “feel” for the place if you can and go with your instincts.
Sadly DD’s MIL who is just 70 but was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 5 years ago is reaching the stage where she needs residential care. She has a daily carer Mon-Fri but while more is needed her H is reluctant t have a live in carer.
I have tried to say to DD to pass on to the family IMO it is not necessarily just a question of what is best for her H but for her
I am seeing the strains on the whole family especially DD and SIL (the latter a saint with his mum regularly sleeping over to help out, happy to undertake personal care and possibly the one person who understands her best, but he also has a 3 year old son, a wife and a living to earn)
Heart breaking and while it addresses the practical issues, let nobody think it “solves “the problem of ongoing loss.

The only way we were able to get mum into care was by taking her to see a brand spanking new place that looked like a hotel! Mum was one of the first in and the care was sadly lacking so I would concur with the nurse. Didnt mention this yesterday as, imho, it is imperative that you get some respite now.

Sigh. What can I do?

Go with your instincts- if the care home is as nice as you say, I should think it will start off well.
If things should slip at some time in the future you will have the time and space to look around.
Are there other people you know or are in touch with who have relatives in residential care? Ease of access for you is important and pleasant surroundings will be reassuring, even perhaps uplifting both for your DH and your family visiting.
I remember how dreary and depressing you find the room you were offered some time ago in another care home. Weigh up the pros and cons of live in care/residential care/different care homes but do not be deflected if you have actually made up your mind.

Also I seem to remember that your DH was a doctor at one time. Ask yourself what he would have advised in A professional situation.

You liked it. It is nearby. It will be a very nice environment for the staff as well as the residents so please don't be put off by one person's opinion.
Also as the places are going quickly you may need to act fast.

Of course there are always going to be nagging doubts but if you liked what you saw, then go for it.
Did you meet the, I was going to say matron, but whoever runs it? If you also get a good feeling about that person, you can be confident that it's going to be alright.

When my friend was choosing for her DH in much the same situation, she went with a retired social worker friend and together that visited 3 or 4 places. One was ruled out because DH was being treated like an object. The manager only wanted to discuss costs and rules!!

In the end they chose a nearby one with mixed reports but something which impressed her was there had been hardly any staff turnover since it opened about 20 years ago. I visited a couple of times and found her DH in the common room looking happy to see us. I don't think he knew us.

I hope whatever decision you make, will be the right one.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. xxx

I am sorry to read you are having this dilemma Luckygirl. After talking to the staff and if you think it will work then I would choose the new nursing home. It sounds lovely, it’s close to your home, you have help to pay for it and the opportunity has come at the right time.

If it doesn’t work out then you will have to either take him home or find somewhere else. Any nursing home might not be what you are looking for. Don’t live with regret that you haven’t taken this opportunity.

Best wishes.

I think all I can do is suck it and see - obviously I will be keeping a close eye on what is happening and visiting each day. It is very well-staffed at the moment as it has only just opened and has enough staff for when it is full - but at present it is not.

Good thinking lucky.

Lucky nowhere is perfect. I would think that a new home will attract new and good staff. There will also be training available. Also as it is not full your DH will receive more individual attention.
It is a good plan to go every day but don't leave it too late.

The excellent nursing home my mother was in had student nurses on placement there from the local University. I always felt that meant there was good scrutiny of what went on an adherence to standards. It was run by a charity and every penny profit went back into the place. Gosh it was good.
Naturally its closed now. The site was just too valuable ?

Just had a call from SSD. and I am just beside myself and non-functioning - back to the weepy heap.

It seems that there is one system for funding care at home, another for funding relief care in a nursing home and another for permanent care in a nursing home. All require separate assessments, have to then wait to go before the panel and result in different amounts being paid out.

It also seems that they want proof that I have a source of funding for the nursing home top-up before they will pay their contribution, and that they might refuse to make that contribution if they think there is any danger of me defaulting on the top-up; also that if they see I can find the top-up they can refuse their contribution on the grounds that I have too much money! - this is my home that is going to pay the top-up.

They forget that there are human beings in tragic circumstances at the end of this bureaucratic pipeline.

I feel completely destroyed by these endless battles and wish I could just walk away from it all.

Lucky I’ve only just seen this thread. I’m so sorry.
Have you thought of getting a solicitor who specialises in these matters to fight your corner? I know it would cost money but could save you a great deal of stress & anxiety & maybe save you money in the long run

Lucky I don’t know what to say. This is so dreadful. You must call on your daughters and GP practice for some help to get the situation resolved. You are at breaking point.
Sending you love, hugs and prayers.

You could contact AgeUk for help but please dont miss out on the place.

Can you appeal to a Health Advocate to get you through this?
You need expert support.

If you do have to go before a blasted tribunal to plead your case, make sure you are a weepy heap - that's the only way they will see you as human.

This is not the time to bear up, gird your loins and smile bravely - make them realise what they are doing to you - the ba@#$&ds.

I'm appalled that you are being put through this, on top of everything else.
First Annsixty and now you

Luckygirl

www.healthadvocacy.org

Very very sorry for this but maybe time to lean into family and get help. Sorry to be blunt but if you are able to come up with the funds, so be it.

I think your DH is entitled to continuing health care so you should not be paying anything. Is there no one who can help with this.
Maybe Ageuk as Kitty says.

This just makes me sick . In other words if you are rich ( and can prove you are) you can have the best of dare . If not , tough shit .

I’m so sorry Lucky you don’t need any more stress or pressure than you already have . x

So sorry . Obviously care not dare .

Shocked to read of this development Lucky and the total disregard for all the caring you've done at home already, saving the state a lot of money. It makes me sad and angry that people can be treated so callously. You must be weary and I think the others are right, you need someone to fight your corner now. xx

Thank you all for your kindness - I am afraid the call from SSD yesterday just tipped me over the brink. I suffered a serious depression interlude in my life several years ago and am terrified that this might land me there again - it was a very frightening and distressing experience which I would not wish to repeat.

Thank you for all your suggestions. I will follow the Healthwatch link.

OH has already been turned down for continuing care funding as he is "not ill enough" - words fail me. I took legal advice about this and I have appealed against this, but as yet no reply.

Another deep irritation about the SSD funding is that they already give me a small amount (£173 - a drop in the bucket compared with the real cost) each week towards his live-in carer, but it took them many many weeks to come up with this while I had to fund it all myself. When they eventually came up with the money the back-dated sum was paid into a Direct Payments account of which they have charge, but which I can also access to pay care bills. They are now saying that I cannot use any of that lump sum to pay for nursing home care, as it is care-at-home money - no it is not - it is MY money that I paid out from my savings as they took so long to get their act together.

It is stuff like this that just tips me over the edge.

All these assessments just confuse my OH and make him anxious - SSD wanted to do another to prove he requires NH care - which they already know he does. He is slowly and miserably dying FGS - he is not suddenly going to pick up his bed and walk.

Every little things he has needed - and some big things - have required me to do battle on his behalf and I feel all battled out now.

I am so grateful for the support I receive from friends (real and virtual) and from my family. Without this I really would go under.