Such a bad day - just a weepy heap

I can only imagine the intense emotions when a long marriage reaches this point, but you have been so brave for so long and now it's time to let someone else take over his care and for you to take good care of yourself. Let the tears flow and know that you are making the best decision for both of you. xx

So sorry luckygirl in my thoughts and prayers x

Heartbreaking right now for you Luckygirl
Sending my very best wishes to you at this time.

Maw what a poignant sentence.

You have done everything you can, so very hard for you but it seems the moment has come. Thinking of you both.

Thinking of you Luckygirl - and feeling so sorry for you both living in this nightmare situation.

Firstly, apologies for the username. A gift from iPad.
Lucky girl, I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time.
It is understandable that you are so upset but please see your gp before you become ill. I’ve seen it happen. Please take care of you. You will be listen to and maybe given advice where you can get more assistance. Please don’t break, please don’t think you’re wasting their time. You need to be healthy both mentally and physically to cope with your awful load. Huge hug

Thinking of you, you will regain some strength & resolve once you have some respite. Best wishes

A contentious thought, but kindly meant
Everybody is (rightly) saying that you need to protect your own health Luckygirl and that for your DH to go into residential care would be by far the best for you. Naturally because he is your DH you might be feeling you have somehow failed him. But try this point of view- if he had a serious “physical” illness which needed medical intervention, would you fight to keep him at home? No, you would do what was best for him. Now consider, maybe residential care would actually benefit your DH and actually be best for him - so instead of feeling you have let him down, you are actually planning continuing care which does not depend on the vagaries of a live in carer - and they seem to vary a bit in ability- and an exhausted wife . It can be more humiliating for a man to depend on his nearest and dearest for personal care thanks a health professional. The “accidents” and your home turned into something like a ward, the awareness, when he is lucid, of how grim things are.
So look at it as the better option for him and with luck you will be able to enjoy the time you have left together without this awful strain.
Just a suggestion.

Excellent suggestions MawB, and expressed so kindly.

I am so very sorry for you Luckygirl - and for your dear husband too. As ever Maw has summed it up perfectly - you are not letting him down - you are ensuring he gets the very best care.

By going into care this will benefit both of you. Your husband will settle in, it may take a little time but he will. You will be rested and less stressed and I am sure after a little while you will both realise it was the right decision.

The staff in care homes know how to handle these difficult situations and with your help, and your daughters too, you will all work together to make his transition into care as stress free as possible.

Once he is settled and you are rested you will be able to enjoy your time together, free of the worry and awful turmoil you have been through for such a long time.

The time is right now for both of you to face the next phase of your life together for however long your husband has left. By making this difficult decision hopefully you will be able look back on his time in care as a happy one and not one of you feeling wrecked and worn out. You will continue to support him and he will be safe. Sending you kindest thoughts in your very difficult time.

Thinking of you Luckygirl x

It will be 9 weeks tomorrow since DH went to live in a care home. As he has advanced Dementia and lacks Capacity the decision was mine alone as his POA, although I had extensive, in depth discussion with our DDs and their full support and agreement that this was the only sensible, pragmatic decision in the circumstances.

I cannot claim that DH is 'happy' in his new home but he is certainly less anxious, confused and miserable than he was. He does ask me when I am going to take him 'home' but the home he wants to return to is his childhood home, to see his Mum and Dad, (both dead for 20+ years). He has already been on three trips in the Home's minibus and thoroughly enjoyed them as the photos taken prove, spends time out in the home's lovely garden and there are regular visits from entertainers, petting ponies and dogs, etc. which I have been able to enjoy too. His quality of life has certainly improved and he has been eating better, is always smartly dressed, clean and tidy. Someone other than me is coping with his incontinence and three loads of washing daily.

As for me, I can visit as often as I want. If he is sleepy or in a mood I don't stay long, if he is having a good day we chat, walk in the garden, hold hands and have a laugh together. It is not perfect but 100% better for both of us when we were cooped up together 24/7, with only sleep deprived me to tend to his every need. The carers are brilliant with him, always bright, cheery and encouraging. Much easier to do when you are part of a team, go home at the end of your shift, have regular breaks, sick leave and holidays.

I am getting a bit fed up of well meaning people telling me that it must be awful for me and that I must not feel guilty (for putting him in a home). The fact is I only feel relief and no guilt whatsoever because I know that I have done what is best for him and with a lot of effort and hard work secured a safe, comfortable, local place for him, rather than waiting for the inevitable crisis when matters would have been out of my hands and he could have landed up anywhere that happened to have a space at the time.
Luckygirl please be assured that you and your DH will have many more precious moments together, once you are relieved of the pressures of 24/7 care and can spend relaxed, quality time together. Sending (((hugs)))

Granny23 What a lovely positive post and I hope that you can enjoy more precious moments together without the strain and stress of 24/7 care.

I do hope that you can find somewhere similar for your DH Luckygirl, it will be a difficult decision but it will be the right one for both your sakes.

MawB you have made some excellent points.

Sometimes soldiering on thinking you are doing the right thing for your loved ones is not the best thing for either of you.

I don't think you could feel any worse if you allowed him to go to the rest home you've previously looked at near your home.
You could be with him as long as you wish but come home and grieve in privacy.
Isn't it time you thought of yourself and looked after your own welfare before you are pushed intil total collapse by a misplaced sense of duty and loyaly?

I won't go into details but I was pushed into a breakdown by my (and his) reluctance to try an alternative and in the end wished I'd grasped the nettle earlier.

Nothing to add to all the lovely words here but I'm thinking of you, Luckygirl at this awful time.

So sorry

Lovely posts maw and g23.

Thinking of you lucky

Wishing you strength for whatever today brings.

Brilliant - and touching- post Granny23 I think this was what I was trying to say.
to you both

Wonderful posts from Maw and Granny23.
We are all behind you Lucky [hugs]

Lucky, so much love and support pouring in for you from us all out here.

I have only just read this.
I have nothing to add except to say, my heart goes out to you.

How hard to have to make this inevitable decision but such good advice from those who have already travelled this road. Thinking of you and hoping it is possible to find somewhere you and OH like.