Making New Friends

Most of my more recent friends are people where we have things in common - reading group, ex-colleagues, chicken club, dog walking. My latest friends were made at a bereavement group after my husband died. Sixteen of us started at the first meeting - three dropped out but of the remaining ones five of us have become firm friends. I have asked myself why the remaining eight didn't become part of our group? Two of my eight grandchildren have problems making friends and I think they do want friends. I think that they are both a bit quick to jump in and tell other people they are wrong/doing something the wrong way. It is something that puzzles me - I really need people around me despite living happily on my own and I can't imagine life without friends. Six of us had lunch together in London a couple of months ago and we have all known each other for over sixty years! We don't see very much of each other but we exchange emails and talk on the 'phone. Bust some people are very self contained and don't need or want this - we're all very different. It is only a problem when someone would like friends and doesn't have them. It is more difficult as you get older but joining a group where you have something in common is a start and so is volunteering.

If people judge you by the way you speak do you really want these small minded people for friends? You have probably outdone many of them academically and you have worked hard. You will find your 'tribe' eventually and a tribe can be two or many, many more.

I am lucky to have several groups of friends from various places and activities eg former work colleagues and U3A members. I meet up for coffee /lunch with these friends and value these times as I have been widowed for over 10 years.
What I don’t have is a male friend,not as a partner ,but someone to literally go out with for a meal /drink/theatre etc. and a different type of conversation from female friends. Would make a big difference to my life, but hard to find the right person.

Has anybody made friends through volunteering?

Lessismore. Yes I made some very good friends through volunteering for group supporting parents and carers of Autistic children ,after working with Autistic children for many years. Sadly had to close the group for lack of finance .

I made close friends at school and university but none lived locally and the relationships have continued only loosely as there seemed only ever enough time to keep family and work afloat.
Since retiring and with time to resume old relationships, I have discovered that most have run their course, although my best friend from university lives 80 miles away and we meet up once a month and WhatsApp or phone between times.
DH isn’t sociable so although we get out and about together and with family, I still seek regular female company. Maybe I’m lucky but I joined a gym attached to the spa of a local hotel and began to attend daily exercise classes. I discovered it was frequented by like minded ladies of a similar age and by chance found myself chatting to a born social organiser and as a result there is now a group of us who regularly lunch out and attend other events.
I also volunteer in my community and have slowly got to know people to talk to.
I have become conscious how many people, despite being in their sixties, are still shy about striking up an initial conversation. On the basis that everyone has an interesting story to tell, I do try to chat to as many people as possible when out and about. A bit like business networking, I try to find out what I can do to help them or what they are doing etc.. and then remember to ask about it next time I see them.
DH can’t understand how long it takes me to pop up the street to post a letter and reckons my tongue will wear out.
Even the most gregarious of us can feel socially isolated. This came home to me only yesterday when I was talking to somebody at the gym who seems really popular there, only to discover that because her DH works away during the week, she sees nobody once she finishes her classes and goes home.
Oh to return to Infant School, when all you had to say was, “Will you be my friend?”

Where does everyone live? Perhaps if some of us are near each other we could arrange a meet.

I wonder if your friends have a husband and families. It seems to me that you are very fortunate to have both, and very often people think you don’t need many people outside of your immediate family. Don’t give up on the friends you have - perhaps be a little less assertive with them.

Cerocer the way to do it is to start a thread- eg Meetup mention town, and give a date a couple of weeks away at a local coffee place eg John Lewis and see what the replies are.

For over 4 years I have been meeting 4 GNs locally for coffee each month and recently in central London I have been meeting up with around 6 others for coffee/lunch every 4-6 weeks. I have met really pleasant people.

The reason Gillybob doesn't have many friends, I should think is, because she is so busy with the business and looking after her family. It's clear that she does put the others first every time.
I hope she finds a bit of time to find a friend for girly trips!

I completely understand. I too seem to have no friends yet I think I am friendly, don’t bitch and always lend a sympathetic ear to any one with troubles but still have no one I can confide in or do girly things with. What went wrong?

My friends circle has got better since my split from dh. I have over the last few years gone to see old friends from school, college, antenatal group and my old work place. I just thought it would be good to reconnect after years of not seeing them. It’s always been Christmas cards exchanges. They have all been delighted that I made the effort to go and see them.

I had breast cancer 5 years ago and after having chemo etc I find I have lost self confidence. A lot of my friends have died and I find it too hard to go to a group on my own.

I have got to now a lot of people from walking my dogs it a great way to meet people.

I would like to join a book club though but where I live is quite snobby and I would like a relaxed kind of book club.

I recommend walking dogs though.

Since I was a teenager I have always preferred to hang out with the lads so the thought of girlie coffee mornings would fill me with dread and a sense of impending boredom- all that inane chat about their families etc. None of the women I know want to talk about important world affairs.

Other than family, I wouldn't want to invite anyone to a meal though. I have a couple of neighbours (women) who occasionally pop in for a short chat and a cup of tea- they text to ask if convenient first, and I will sometimes call at their house if I have something to tell them and have a cuppa.

In general though, I hang around with 5/6 men (individually or in a group, but they are dying off, I'm afraid now) with the same interests as myself- mainly quizzes, crosswords, gardening, travel and politics. The friendships are all purely platonic; some have wives, others not. The wives don't mind as they do not have the same interests- well not the quizzes and the politics-and are glad to foist them off on me so they don't have to attend with their menfolk!

I have a small circle of long time friends - but we don't all go out as a group. I am a very sociable person but I rarely feel comfortable at 'gatherings'.

I don't like parties, as it can be quite an effort to socialise with a large number of people that I don't know. I just find it hard work tbh. I do enjoy our (rare) family parties, I really enjoy a good old catch up with my family who are spread out across the globe.
I much prefer one-to-one lunches, not only do I get to go out more often but I don't have to compete to get a word in!

At the age of 82 many of my friends have died but I don’t go for coffee mornings but in the U3A I have good friends in the many groups and I go to senior citizen groups at our local leisure centre for swimming keep fit and table tennis Home is for quiet .life is for enjoying not bearing grudges

CyclingSenior it is they say, lonely at the top. Add to that being a successful woman, and it’s harder to make friends. Maybe try and network through work, and try and meet other women as successful as yourself, out of whom a friend or two might emerge?

I wouldn’t play your assertiveness and success down, I would aim to try and meet like minded people.

Good luck.

CyclingSenior your post struck a real chord with me, especially the 'assertive versus aggressive' part.

I'm a forthright person, though that does not mean rude. It means if I am asked, I tell the truth. I don't say one thing to someone's face and another behind their back.

The trouble is, most people are not like that. They may say they want the truth, they may say they are honest but when it comes down to it they're flim-flam merchants.

They are not the ones who are prepared to speak out when they see something is wrong; they are not willing to tell someone an inconvenient truth.

So when these people, the majority it seems, come up against someone like you or me, who is - they mistake assertiveness for aggression.
And that doesn't make friends easily because they feel guilty that they 'passed by on the other side' when we took action.

It is not up to us to change CyclingSenior but to value our characteristics and know that very many of the great things in life and history were accomplished by assertive people.

Abuelamia - thank you for Lets Ride tip ; I had no idea of that site

Tangerine - Yes I know about Meet Up and am still debating with myself if I will start a cycling group. There's loads of groups already established I'd like to tap into but not here!.

NannyJan53 thank you U3A.. Didn't know about them either.

Margaux - you're so right and I agree I have family. I'm very lucky.

I have a group of friends who used to be on the WI committee with me from about 7 years ago as follows.

No. 1 died last year
No. 2 has dementia
No 3 has had a hip replacement but is very active for 89
No. 4 has just had a mini stroke and jaw problems
No. 5 has terminal cancer
No. 6 has serious back problems
No. 7 has nasty gout and frequents A and E ?‍⚕️
No. 8 is hail and hearty and has recovered from a hip op well
No. 9 is reasonably well and walks fast, that’s ME

I sometimes wonder who will pop their clogs next ☹️

Mercure

'Goodbyes are friendly with lots of "see you soon" "come to us next time's" but then ....... zilch!'

Your post does reasonate with me..

We do however have friends (via my husbands work) who held a garden get together every year for around 40 people and I remember the whittled the numbers down to about 6 couples by year four. They were very honest and said 'we never got asked over most people's doorstep but would be happy to keep coming back year on year'

We do still see them and indeed I visited her in hospital recently and had the husband here for dinner.

I guess I respected their thinking which was if you can't do it with good grace then don't do it at all. They just found it disrespectful that people would not offer reciprocal hospitality. They said even if they invited them to meet in a local cafe for a coffee that was fine as the venue and all else was irrelevant.

Excellent cycle thank you. Delighted I managed 22 miles and didn't need to push up any of the hills ; I'm improving!. No E bike ; I'd be too tempted with the battery button..

Wishing you good luck in new area wherever you relocate.

One of my biggest regrets is falling out with a girl who I’d been really close to for twenty years, our families were close and we all did everything together. Initially, she accused me of something completely ridiculous, if she’d been rational at the time, she’d have known it was ridiculous. But I couldn’t get past it, I was angry with her, and said I couldn’t be friends with her any more, there’s hardly a day goes by when I don’t miss her.

Another friend goes back to student days, we’ve shared flats, we’re godparents to each other’s children, we get on well as families, and gradually over the last few years, she’s just stopped being friends, no idea why.

I suppose the moral is you can’t take your friends for granted, if you’re lucky enough to have good friends, you need to work at it, in the same way as anything else

Sara65 - is it possible for you to make contact with the person you fell out with? Perhaps she misses you too!

Thank you all for your posts ; I'm very grateful you've taken the time to respond.
I want to reply to you all!
?It seems its hard work this friends business!
Much appreciated.