Making New Friends

Think we have to define 'friend' here. I would suggest bosom buddies, friends and lastly acquaintances. My favourite indulgence is lunching out and I participate with all of the above categories. Great fun and highly enjoyable. I became aware that it was always me who originated the meetings and decided to remedy this by stating so with the people involved. The result was a thinning out of sorts but, happily, most responded positively. Whew! I had the pleasure of celebrating 60 years of meeting with my pal in London a few weeks ago. Terrific. I have a lot of pleasure (and a personal challenge) trying to mutually upgrade an acq to a friend. As someone previously said, this takes attention (but not too much too soon) and can be well worth the effort. It has worked for me and I have four ladies currently targeted but they have no idea and it has to become mutual, of course. Life is good indeed and much of that is attributed to the lovely people in my life already.

It is harder to make friends it seems since our sons are grown and no more school events and sports. Lessismore-I made a great friend when we met in a supermarket parking lot. We chatted about our mutual college (license plates ) and this great lady asked if she could get my number. We joke about the fact she "picked me up" ar the grocery store! Be brave!

If you have friend don't tell that friend too much
For if that friend should turn to foe
All your business the world will know

Have been let down a number times. Friendship can so often be one sided unless you are so lucky. Have decided my own company is fine for me

I am amazed this topic was brought up and that so many people have responded with the same feelings! I have experienced these feelings of rejection for most of my life, but kept trying to be friendlier, do more, etc., trying to win the kind of friendships others get effortlessly. I finally gave up and have just accepted my situation, but I, too, am envious of others' good relationships. That is embarrassing to admit! It is lonely, sometimes, but when I was trying to pursue friends, it was too hurtful when I felt used or was just a sounding board for them. I guess it is comforting to know there are lots of others who struggle with this.

I have small circle of friends , and to be honest that’s how I like it, I find a lot of women are in competition with each other which drives me bonkers, I’m soo not like that, I’m not interested it that, and so many can be two faced not saying men aren’t too lol. I am quite a confident person, but apart from my friends I’ve had for years, and hope it doesn’t sound bad I’m not really interested in making other friends, I love my own company , but I will say I keep in touch with my friends via WhatsApp everyday but meet occasionally

I read a lot but not all so apologies if already suggested. They do have a common thread. How about branching out with a Coffee & Chat meet ups if local or nearby. I too lost friends when life turned upside down when divorced and worse. But I was working and had great colleagues. My long standing best friend walked away from me when diagnosed with cancer. Dropped off short note but it was too much for her. I would love to meet similar gran for face to face. Especially now I’m retired. After that, well that’s to be seen. How it would be set up I don’t know.

If you are retired the U3A or WI is a good way to make friends. I regularly play Rummikub with 2 separate groups.

I phone one friend and arrange to meet her at the local Garden Centre for coffee and a look around.

I have 3 friends who are all widows I ask them up for coffee or tea and they always seem happy to have an invite. One of them and I have started going out together for supper it’s great. My DH is happy to be left and I always make sure he has a nice supper to eat whilst watching the tv.

I find I need to be pro active and be the organiser. I occasionally suggest to a few WI members a cream tea at an NT property or garden centre that always goes down well.

If anyone messes me about or is unreliable I don’t contact them.

I’ve met some lovely ladies through GN.

Please look up the MEETUP organisation. Potential to meet women friends on there for you.ie bookclubs.afternoon tea.walks.coffee
etc etc.

Lucy127 that is horrific behaviour! Loads of us have been called on to stand by friends when it was difficult for us but we decided we just had to do it. How sad that your friend was one of the people who didn't understand commitment.

I have always made friends easily and recently I have discovered how many true friends I have. I am shocked Lucy that your best friend walked away when you had your diagnosis. I have had so much support from all my friends both near and far and I find it invaluable. I need to chew over things with girl friends. I am happily married but it is easier speaking about things to other girls I find as they understand but do not try to find a solution.
I have never gone out looking for friends but seem to have accumulated them. I love walking into town and bumping into people, having coffee with friends, going for walks etc.
When we moved here 20 years ago I joined NWR. When I lived in Holland I actually started a group for English speaking girls having babies over there. I also made and still have many Dutch friends.
I am an only child so no sisters.

Two of my closest friends have recently moved away. I realised only a few days ago that I don't seem to have anyone now to have coffee with, shop, do day trips etc. Then by coincidence I had a newsletter from my local U3A. Someone has suggested starting a group for people in the same position and naming it WALT? (would anyone like to?). It would be a circle of people who have each other's emails and just put out suggestions, such as 'would anyone like to meet for coffee, see a film, go fishing, take a day trip' etc. so that no- one has to do anything alone. I thought it was a great idea and I shall definitely join.

If you were such a horrible person I don’t think your friend would keep coming round for tea. She doesn’t have to ask you, in order to keep the friendship going because you ask her. The other person she perhaps had to ask in order to be friends with her. I wouldn’t invite all my friends at the same time as they are all sorts of different people who wouldn’t necessarily get on together. On the other hand she may not be a very nice person and you could stop asking her and write her off if she doesn’t get in touch. However if she is used to you asking, she may just think you have dropped her. You need to ask yourself is she worth you being the one to ask or is the hurt not worth it to you. You can make choices here. If assertive is in the middle between being aggressive on the one hand or a push over and/or passive aggressive on the other hand, it is good way to be and should make you easier to get on with. There is a difference between being assertive and being thoughtless about other people’s feelings though. I can fall into the latter. And have had to pay the price. We can try our best but none of us in perfect. Not everybody will like us. Nor do we have to be perfect to be good enough to be someone’s friend. There are maybe many, many reasons why someone doesn’t make friends with you that are to do with them not you. I have been in these groups of women having tea together in the cafe and you don’t know whether they are really such great friends or not. Some may be bores. Two may dislike each other. They may not go on meeting. Keep trying. Having friends is something you need to be always working at because life is full of change. Good luck.

Accents shouldn't make any difference. I value good conversations and experience over anything else and I've never been part of a girl's club. Too independent I guess and until recently, always working.

My sister (who lives overseas) and I have always been the ones to put on the big dinners, parties etc as coming from a large family, we always had big foodie events with lots of people about. However, she and I did note that it's not something everyone does, so we were very rarely invited back. Some say its because others felt intimidated by us, but we thought they felt inadequate at entertaining and cooking generally. Pity because at the end of the day, company is what we all need and who cares if the casserole was burnt. Life is not that petty...

I am 69 and my husband 70. Most of our acquaintances live elsewhere now so we feel very much on our own. We have moved to an area which has a great cultural scene and mix of people. Once we settle, I hope to join things and meet new people our age - if not, then I will do what I did as a young child, paint, and amuse myself in other ways. And make the most of having a husband around.

Yes it can be difficult when you feel that you have no real friends. I previously posted a thread about how some friends walked away when my Husband became ill. Being part of the WI and other social groups helps but has not led to friendships outside the group. Like Anja I have found that those who pushed to be friends were needy people whose only interest was themselves! Luckily we do still have some friends who stay in touch but mainly these days people we know are more acquaintances than friends. It just seems to be an inevitable part of growing older and accepting that lives change over the years. We had some great times with these friends over the years and look back with fondness rather than regret.

It works on my Samsung smartphone

I was relieved to see this very honest post. I’m in a similar position and have acquaintances rather than a lot of friends, I hope things improve for you cyclingsenior or that you can learn to accept the situation? I have to say that nearly all the posts in reply have been really empathetic but I honestly don’t see the point of the odd post which pretty much says “ look at me I’ve got loads of friends “ and offers no helpful suggestion! Just saying?

Gillybob. Really hope to see you then.
Stella. Its on 30th August in John Lewis coffee shop in Newcastle.
Im going to put a yellow handbag on the table so you know its me/ us.
Please please come along folks so that im not sitting there like Billy no mates !!!!
Hoping we can have a chat and a laugh.

Gillybob i am the same as you. No friends or family. It can be lonely but i do puzzles read and spend time sorting through all the clutter that surrounds me like a security blanket. When thats gone i dont know how i will feel or what i will do. Cyclingsenior be thankful you are not me

Same for me, Gillybob

I actually believe loneliness is one of the things we have come to expect in our later years ... is it because we are boring is it because we don’t give as much as we used to not meaning monetary I mean help or is it because people are afraid of having to do too much for an older person .. I am so sorry that I cannot be as much help to people as I have been in the past purely because I am old and infirm and slow I could add and an embarrassment but really I am just old and I miss people any kind of people because I like the human race so I can’t come up with any kind of advice or help to other oldies but I would like friends but obviously we can’t pick them from the trees so we have to embrace the fact that we are able to use the internet to interact with like minded people on sites such as Gransnet

So strange this thread should appear today,only this morning I realised I have become very isolated the past few months I have no particular friend apart from old work friends who dont appear very often, this morning I realised the only person I speak to is my Husband and then it isnt really a conversation, its him telling me things,I dont seem to have much to tell theses days, I do have two clubs I attend which I enjoy, but these fold up during the summer,I thought my powers of conversation will stop soon if these clubs dont start soon, what a terrible position to be in never talking to anyone all day long.My family communicate by text messages also many other people do the same they dont like talking on the phone!I communicate by e mail to my friends in the UK but when we do meet we talk non - stop I wonder if living in another Country affects us later on in life, my being a "people person" seems to have changed.
I sound like a real moaner I am not, just saying what I have become,and I dont like it.

I have to say I do have a good friend through GN, we communicate every day, exchange news etc, we both have Husbands, and have lots of things to "talk" about.Thank you Gransnet.

I have been thinking about this very topic this week. I am away on a Summer School and we all have one thing in common ( singing). At meals and breaks it is easy to chat, but so far I have not found anyone to go around with in the free times, yet I have seen others out in groups or making arrangements and I feel a bit envious. But if I am honest, it is better to do my own thing, as I can set my own pace, and please myself. I suppose it is a bit the same with friends. We get on ok when we have something in common, but by our age we do need to consider the limitations of our health, or our tolerance, patience levels, and perhaps deeper friendships are not easily come by.

I had never heard of the Red Hatters, so looked them up. 'Started in America' Hmmm. 'Wear red hats and purple clothes to meetings' WHAT? 'Contact us if you want to know where your nearest group is'.
I think I'll pass, thank you!

When we are retired and our nests are empty, new friendships are almost up to the fates, because as we get older, we somehow forget or lose our ability to make new friends. Things are even harder for those who live remotely or don't get out frequently.

Adults meet others when walking the dog, joining a class (art, dance, writing etc.), playing a sport, game etc. Some people meet other people through an existing friend. Two things are important: To get out more so you meet more people and secondly, knowing how to make real friends

We all know that a child can make a new friend in less than a minute. When we moved to a new house years ago, our then five year old son knocked on our neighbor's door, pulled a few 'dog eared' cards out of his pocket, and asked point blank if they had a boy about his age so he could show him his card collection. The did have a six year old son and thanks to my cheeky boy, she and I soon became fast friends too, as did our husbands.

Meeting people is the easy part but it's only half the battle. Adults can't use the same approaches that children do and that is unfortunate. If I knocked on your door and asked if you wanted to come out and play, you would probably look at me as if I had two heads and it wouldn't go so well! As I said, the older you get the harder it is. We can however, learn to express your genuine interest in others, to channel unencumbered candor in positive ways, (the way children do), and to give of ourselves more and not expect anything in return, the same way children do. When someone genuinely enjoys your company and visa versa and you have things in common or interests that you enjoy sharing, that is the foundation of a lasting friendship.