Making New Friends

I think you should stop looking for reasons in yourself for your lack of friends. I know some very assertive ( even unpleasant people) who seem to have hundreds of friends. I think these things go in cycles - there are times when people are too busy with their own lives to nurture friendships. In my fifties I was often reduced to tears by the neglect of old and trusted friends (just one or two - I'm not gregarious ) and often felt lonely. But they, like me, were almost overwhelmed by the demands of children and elderly parents - just at the time when one needed a shoulder to cry on. I found more friendship when people were retired and then was time for walks, coffee etc. Now that I am in my mid seventies I am again feeling more friendless as people die, develop dementia or move away. I convince myself that my lonely state has nothing to do with me as a person, but sometimes I wonder if I had made more of an effort I might have more people in my life. Still have DH a blessing I count every day as things might have been so different.
Have you tried the U3A - it has been my salvation.

Oh I know how you feel, we moved house and I have tried and tried to make friends. Like you I can only think it’s me that’s the problem though family says no. (Perhaps being kind). To have some friends is something I would love so much.
Keep your chin up maybe one day we will feel blessed with people who care not just our families.
I do feel for you though xxx

I'm very lucky to have a number of good friends and meet up once or twice a week with one or another of them for trips out,lunch or the cinema.One of them I have been friends with for 30 years and we see each other or speak most days. We also holiday together twice a year.

No need, Lessismore! Just put a post in the Meet up/Where are You section, stating the area you're in and suggest a date/venue and see who responds.

This is my cue to promote the meet up in Grantham next week! 12;30 on Thursday 29th at the Angel & Royal. All are welcome but please let us know via the Lincolnshire thread (https://signal-corridor.live/forums/meet_ups_where_are_you/1263298-Lincolnshire) if you're coming so we can book a table big enough!

I think its fair to say that despite social media ‘friends’ etc., in reality, most of us, regardless of age, only have one or two really close friends, if at all. Over time, I think friends drop by the wayside a bit because circumstances that brought us together now don’t exist.e.g.school activities etc. Bringing up children....Seems to me, if you’re lonely, it’s good to find a group of people that enjoy what you enjoy...join a club, do a class, and then you know from the start that you at least you have that in common and it becomes quite a bond.

CyclingSenior, I also have no friends. I don't work now either and haven't for 12 years due to ill health (and I am only 59). I have two sisters who live within 5 miles of me and I last saw them about 2 months ago for coffee. I have had 3 invitations in the last two years - two weddings and a retirement do. I can go 2 weeks at a time without seeing a soul never mind having friends pop over for a cuppa. It isn't that I am an unfriendly person, or difficult to get along with. I believe I am actually a kind and caring person with a wicked sense of humour but people come and go in our lives. It takes work to keep friendships alive and flourishing. For you - I think the best plan would be to foster new friendships based on mutual interests. Perhaps through Meetup. Sounds like maybe a cycling buddy or group would be ideal. There's no point in being rueful about not having a friend from years gone by, instead embrace the assertive go-getting person you are now and find some new friends who deserve you. However, there are possibilities for rekindling old friendships. I recently got in touch with a woman who was my best friend through school and into our twenties. We actually shared a flat (apartment). I then caused a falling out and we drifted apart. I am in Scotland, she in Texas, USA. Within 2 emails, I had a genuine invitation to visit for a holiday with my son. It is as if we had seen each other yesterday. So maybe you could do the same. Maybe try to seek out some friends from earlier life and see if there is still something there? Good luck. You could be my friend any day. I like the sound of your take on life. x

With age, I think as come 'wisdom' and what I have found is the friendships that I have had as always ended with me being 'hurt' We were a group of 4 and I was the 'underdog' with a tale to tell always about my up and down life(two marriages) But you know as soon as my life started to get better and settled so those friends of 25 years!!! started to dwindle(no tale to tell) and I am grateful it happened because of not wasting any more years on people who I thought was my closet friends. I feel 'free' and with my new
life in retirement enjoying new hobbies and making new aqaintences.

I have joined the Monday morning get together this Monday is chair yoga. I have made a couple of friends through this club, we had the kings troop visit us a few weeks ago, really enjoyed meeting the soldiers and their horses.
I don’t always go each week if it’s not what I am interested in.
Nice ladies to chat to as well.

This post has really helped me to feel more normal. I have felt very depressed at times, thinking something was wrong with me, and that nobody liked me. I joined a bowling club a few years ago. I still play, and attend several social functions a year. But I really feel out of it at times. It is very cliquey, and it is so difficult to infiltrate that. Over the years I have joined various adult education classes, but have never got beyond casual chat during the sessions. I have two lovely daughters and five grandsons who I see regularly, but I still feel so lonely sometimes. Before reading this thread I honestly thought that I was a one off, rather pathetic, dislikeable and lacking something in my personality. It gives me great heart to read that so many others struggle too. So thank you Cycling Senior for the thread, I have never before opened up about this, not even to family, but you have allowed me to do so, and to discover I am not so different after all.

Where is the ‘meet up’ or ‘where are you section’. A very interesting thread this one. Wait until you are 87 (as am I!) You have to get very used to your own company - I’ve lost so many friends - still have a few people that, every year, say ‘do let’s meet up soon’ and what happens - nothing in either of our cases! Just today, I have decided I can afford to find someone to clean my very small flat! Partly because, if I want to meet my new Great Grandchild next year, I had better take more care of myself and do some proper cooking!
However, seriously, in quite old age and I am incredibly lucky, you do have to spend quite a lot of you time alone, so like yourself, look after yourself and don’t expect miracles!

Gillybob
Are you still coming to the Newcastle meet up on 30th ?
I hope so because im looking forward to meeting you.
I know I posted on the site last week about feeling unhappy but im over it.
The situation resolved itself .
Im not a miserable person and would certdinly not spend time with gransnetters face to face , moaning.
Hope we can both have a laugh on the day.

Newcastle meeting? Where can I find details of this?

Shelagh6 & Stella14 Links to a list of all the Gransnet topic can be found at www.gransnet.com/forums the "Meet-ups and Where are you" link is in the list, and if you click on it you will be taken to another list - this time of all the metups currently arranged, or happened in the past. The Newcastle meetup is probably in that list, but if not, send a Private Message to someone who is going to it and ask them for details of where and when. (Private message link is just above each post)

Time to find new friends. Are you living alone?

Cycling Senior - if people don’t want to be friends with you because of your perceived accent, they are not the type of friends I’d want !!
Do you cycle with a group? Are they friendly? If not would a cycling group be an option?

CyclingSenior - sorry to respond in this way but I think there's a very good chance that whilst your 'friends' appear to be happy in your company, the fact that they are voting with their feet and not returning your many invitations suggests that they are simply being polite in the social situation and not wanting to repeat it. You recognise your assertiveness and perhaps you hog the conversation without knowing, perhaps the way you express your opinions comes over in an authoritative way that doesn't allow others to feel as though they can contribute, or perhaps your topic of conversation is all to do with your work where you are in a superior position. I would look at how the social interaction has gone in your last meetings, and if you're still convinced that it's not your fault, then join a local book group as an experiment. Usually such groups are quite intimate, maybe 6-8 members and meet maybe once every month rotating venues (each other's houses). You will be able to either make good friends this way, or learn something about yourself and how you interact. In my book group we are all professional and retired professional women but we never talk work or past history, we all drop rank and focus on the book we're reading, and every opinion is worth the same.

I know 3 really nice people who rarely contact me. I don't think its because I lack social skills, they are all very busy .

I keep an address book. Each year I send out christmas cards. then if I receive a card I ring the friend and say how nice it was and catch up. Monthly I meet up with two different sets of ex colleagues one for a lunch and one for an evening pub dinner. i go to the U3A and sometimes chat to people and sometimes do not feel like it. I have an old school friend i ring once every six months. I have 3 local friends that I keep up with by phone and may be visit every 3 months. A number of my friends have died and one I visited in hospital the day she died after visiting her regularly at home for 18 months.

Sadly as one makes friends in older age this now comes with a possibility that the friend may need help with end of life care. One of the colleagues I meet up with regularly is dying of lung cancer I can expect that next year she may need more support. In these circumstances friendship is a mixed blessing.

One of the problems of making

Hi there! Totally understand how you feel! I moved back to my home town to care for my father. By that time, my friends had either died or moved away. For reasons I won't go into, I have no family contact and live alone. Thing is, I was an only child, so am used to solitude and my own company. I have met a few people and had lunches and coffees but, it seems like hard work, sometimes, to cram a lifetime's story into a short space of time. Do I want to???
I do have some VERY good friends, the nearest lives 300 miles away and the farthest in Australia! I've just got used to it. Be grateful for your family and look on friends as a bonus.

I only have one friend, but she is local and we do get together almost every week for tea and cakes, as well as message in between times. She has several other friends, but I've not really bothered to make any other friends for myself. I am just so horrendously lazy sometimes I shock myself.

I found this thread very interesting and am so glad people opened up and described many of the feelings I experience. Yes, despite being a rather assertive person I have had many friends over the years, but really think of most as acquaintances with a common interest. Major changes in life have brought about the loss of friends (such as moving home and retirement) and the start of new friendships/acquaintances. However, generally I have had only two truly good friends, one who is now severely disabled by health conditions, and my one dearest friend who recently died from cancer. I miss her terribly as she was the one with whom I shared all my true worries/happiness as she did with me. It left me feeling friendless as the first friend now only uses me to provide help she needs. This thread made me reflect on past friendships and realise that most of them revolved around how useful I could be at the time. However, I try to fill the missing ‘friendships ‘ by joining groups such as U3A doing hobbies I enjoy. This is very helpful, and when feeling ‘left out’ take myself into the garden and put everything to rights whilst weeding! Very therapeutic!
Gransnet is great for allowing us a platform to open up in an anonymous way - long may it continue!

Are you still coming to the Newcastle meet up on 30th ?

Oh I sincerely hope so Diane227 .

Things family have a terrible habit of throwing things at me at the last minute, but so far so good. I'm really looking forward to it .

I had an elderly aunt (now gone) who ended up very isolated. She was proud to call herself "assertive" but the rest of us would have called her blunt and downright rude. She had lost countless friends over the years. She tried doing voluntary work but she didnt't make any friends through it (one of her posts was working in a charity shop for 10 years and no-one kept in touch with her when she had to leave due to ill health). I think it's really important to be self-reflective - just how "assertive" are you? What do you add to a social group? Why would someone want to be your friend? Are you being insensitive, perhaps? If you don't tackle this basic question honestly, I fear that whatever you try to do, the result will be the same (sorry).

I have one girlfriend. I'd like more, but it doesn't happen for me.

I have ONE friend. We have been friends for nearly 50 years and still see each other at least once a week. My DH always says friends are a luxury because it takes a substantial investment in time and energy to afford friends. If you really need them, by all means, invest in them. If you don't it is a luxury you can't afford.