Can anybody relate to this?

I do indeed also know how you feel. I was a SW in jy work and it seems that I have been this for my family and others for a very long time!

But a great joy at the moment is that the hospice give me a massage while OH is having his treatment - it is truly wonderful! And she says lovely things like "You need looking after too" - I grab it with both hands and lap it up!

My husband is the one everyone goes to and recently he's become depressed about it. I'm guilty of letting him sort out holidays, finance, the cars, diy, and even the cooking. He's opted out of cooking lately and I find I'm quite able to do it. I sorted out a safety recall for my car and I'm proud of that. Sometimes living with a very capable person makes you feel you can't do the most simple of things.

Oh that is a bigger! No wonder you are feeling unhappy. I hope you can reschedule if things get easier.

Yes, I also identify with this. There is no easy answer I'm afraid because everyone has been conditioned to accept the situation. If you try to tell them how you feel some will be affronted, others will think you are having a hissy fit and some will take it as a personal attack. I have a lovely family but when it comes to jokes or sport they go to DH, when it is anything that matters they come to me. I've had a call today about picking up a car from a garage, I have to drive DH to pick it up. Fine but why was it me who had the call not DH? I know the answer I am reliable!

The alternative to being the go to person is that you may have to become the person who is 'too old'.

I feel for you, and in a way I do think you have made a rod for your own back. People just get used to you doing all the sorting and don't really think about it. I do agree with some others who have said that you speak out. I did do this once and the result was great ,the family got around and made a lovely lunch for me.

Post menopausal women are programmed to look after the younger generation, that's why we have the menopause, so we no longer have kids of our own to look after and can concentrate on the younger generation. The only other species that does this is the whale. The older female whales look after the younger ones.

Only problem is he younger humans these days start relying on the internet and get themselves in a right mess.

Thank you dragonfly and other posters for making me realise I am not alone. So often on gransnet I read of people having time to themselves and leisure activities that even in my late 70s I have no time to indulge in. I always had everything to do except finances which my ex wouldn’t let me do; I discovered when he left just why that was! So I had to take on sorting that out as well and then an AC landed on me with an unexpected DGC, who is the light of my life but there is no such thing as a spare half hour in my life. 5 minutes on gransnet is my recreation.

Shame about your holiday. I hope you get another chance to see Madeira.

That was the beginning of the end of my marriage - he was always working and I did EVERYTHING else, including working! He asked me what I would like for my wedding anniversary and I told him it was a weekend away without the children, in Prague, and I wanted him to organise it ..... when the day came, I got a bunch of flowers which incidentally lasted 24 hours, and a mug ....! The organising wouldn't have been that difficult either - we had friends in Prague who we could have stayed with and he only needed to pick up the phone to my Mum! I stopped organising that day to see what would happen - nothing! We went nowhere and did nothing ..... lasted 2 more years after that. It's great to love what you do, but to the exclusion of all else is too much ....

Hi Dragonfly

I think you are highlighting what other gransnetters should think about. I use to manage the household accounts etc as my husband was busy running his business. Now he is retired he has taken over all these things and deskilled me.

I must take things in hand and at least get him to make lists of how everything works.

It sounds as though the cancellation of your holiday is the catalyst for your feelings, quite understandably. You were probably more than ready for a break and due to circumstances it got snatched away from you.
I hope you feel better tomorrow and can sort another holiday soon.

So many of us can relate to this. I pulled a muscle in my back on Friday. Could not move until this morning. It’s still very painful but at least now I can hobble with the aid of a stick. Had to miss family get together.

DH is trying his best but he’s very forgetful, and deaf and I have to explain everything to him several times. I just get fed up of doing his thinking for him more than anything else.

It’s my birthday this week. Think I’ll just give up and spend it in bed with a box of cheese chocolates, a good book and a bottle of wine. I’ll lock the bedroom door and keep the world out.

Where did the ‘cheese’ creep in? ?

We all need to be kinder to ourselves and learn just to say no more often ?

You're s saint, Dragonfly46, but I bet all the others have been happy enough to take you for granted. Brace yourself for opposition if you make your feelings known - but stand your ground......(try listening to Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers singing "Won't Back Down")

dragonfly46 - try it sometime, and I guarantee you'll hate it! That's the thing about being one of life's organisers - at least you know everything is going to be alright!

Dragonfly So sorry you cannot get o Madeira today. do hope you will be able to get a holiday soon.

And of course that saying.... ‘if you want to get something done ask a busy woman’.

You have my sympathies Dragonfly because you could have been describing me. Since we have returned from our visit to England at the end of November I have hardly been able to walk and it's looking more serious than we had thought. My dear husband had had to step up as far as cooking and jobs in the house are concerned and he is coping. OK we tend to have ready prepared food or a fry up but he is doing it. Now he is learning how to use the multibanco (hole in the wall) and how to pay the bills. Despite his lack of Portuguese he is coping and I am letting him. Your DH may huff and puff at first but he will cope with doing some things for himself. I share your disappointment about Madeira because we had planned to go there this month too . For me it's not helped by seeing posts on FB from a friend who is there at the moment.

I have done everything, including 4 succesful recent Benefits Appeals and Tribunals for family members. Both my grown up children have complex physical health needs and I have been seriously disabled for many years. I have now just reached the point where they ( and outsiders much fitter than me) just expect me to sort things and don't even try to find their own answers. From tomorrow onwards to avoid unpleasantness I will be declining a lot of their sillier and more self indulgent requests on tbe grounds that I have to attend frequent physiotherapy. It is true , but it also sound better than I have just bloody had enough! Wish me luck as I do to all of you. X

Its not surprising that you are feeling that way if you should have been having a break dragonfly.
I would have felt the same, especially if its a holiday all paid for.

This was me - I did everything; I was always the one that others came to, but were never there for me. Then I became ill with CFS/ME - and they still weren't there! I think it's really important to look underneath your caring behaviour; when did it start? why did you think it was your responsibility to look after everyone-else? what did you fear would happen if you said No? etc. We develop these patterns for a reason. I would suggest going on a really good Assertiveness course (this is NOT aggression, as many people seem to think - it's about learning to look after your own needs). Then, start practising, one person at a time. It will take time. One thing that a counsellor said to me, which I wasn't happy about at the time but came to realise she was right. "We teach people how to treat us. How have you done that in the past?" Tough question but a very valuable one.

Yes, I can Dragon, we are the only GP’s for our family (4 GC, 2 each From Son and Daughter). As I was very ill last year, everything we did as a couple for them, still needed doing and Hubby managed to do it all by him self, whilst at the same time, caring for me, doing all the housework and cooking and taking me for appointments, surgery, treatments. I am now regaining my energy, very slowly, but we are back to doing everything, cant say no as Daughter on her own with 7 year old Twins and can only work if we help with school runs and all the other things that crop up. I would love to run away and hide sometimes, but that would mean abandoning them and leaving them without any help!, yes they would have to manage, but after my illness I just think well, its family that means the most, so we just get on with it, but it would be nice to get a bit of respite from it all. Btw, it turns out hubby is a better cook and cleaner than I ever was! Hope all is going well for you x

I so know this one but you either stop and put up with what others will do for you and if you are the most capable that will probably not please you. Believe me I know so now I've made a bit of a compromise. I still do the big things but I delegate smaller stuff to my partner like choosing and booking weekends away etc and I have been pleasantly surprised. He hates paperwork etc and I can't say I love it but I'm better at it.

Aw cancelling a holiday is utter pants isn’t it. Such a depressing day and time of year.

Op could you try to get at least some me time a few times a week. For me a massage works wonders. A coffee and cake with a book? Spoil yourself regularly. Doesn’t need to cost much.

And let your dh sulk ain’t hurt him xxx

sounds like you have had enough of fixing everyone,i had a similar life experience up until a few years ago,I totally burnt out and couldn't care or listen to anybody's problems,I eventually learnt to say no and now I use my caring nature towards myself and the genuine ones! I looked at myself and realised the cause of my people pleasing/fixing everyone lay in a dysfunctional childhood where I had to take care of everyone.Your story is too familiar and takes a heavy toll on the capable ones.....