Can anybody relate to this?

And in your case always will. Enjoy the moral high ground. A lonely place.
Burns said it all 'oh wad the Lord the gift gie us to see oorsels as ithers see us'!

It is not my job to teach other adults how to be adults.

I am not going to micro manage them or as Jane suggested, coach/teach them! They are perfectly capable! They just dont!, however I am also not happy to have my kids never know their cousins just because the other parties never arrange get togethers, or have my colleage who always helped arrange leaver cards leave without a card herself, or have an elderly relative targeted by scams by not being there when others arent.

Those are things I am not going to leave un-done because I have a conscience! I will wait hopefully for others to take the lead, but when it is apparent they WON'T, someone has to..

Delegation is a hard thing to do well!
It involves trust and respect. It means leaving your ideas elsewhere and accepting that different is not wrong!

I have usually organised many of the GN meetups in my town, but when I couldn't, or didn't want to, I said so clearly. Others have done it perfectly well. The most recent one was planned and executed by Jane10. She took it on without "leaving everyone else to run around for you" and did so fine without me stepping in after she had it all in hand and mopping up supposed omissions and mistakes, If she hadn't, I don't think I would have gone in and corrected her mistakes, she is a grown-up.

Don't beat her around the ears for stating the obvious - that you reap what you sow.

If you insist on redoing what others have tried to do, then it has become your project once again, and they are just your incompetent assistants. If you redo your children's homework instead of leaving it as their work they have only learnt that mother does it better, and if you don't allow others to take on some of your responsibilities and live with the failures they never gain the confidence and experience to do it better. That applies to people older than you as well as younger - they don't have to be totally dependent on your perfection unless you insist on applying it.

Let's face it, being indispensible is a highly satisfying sensation.

Sigh. notanan. Nobody run around for me. Anything needing to be done is done. We all do our bit in our family and no need to make an issue of it.
No martyrs here nor need for one.

To quote mumsnet angelic , "no" is a complete sentance, and if people still force the issue: "that's not going to work for me".

Okay Jane, you just keep enjoying leaving everyone else to run around for you, because its their fault for "teaching" you to be that way....

I had been in this position for years, sadly it took a breakdown to teach and train me to be different.
One thing I have learnt is to never say the words ”I am sorry” when saying that you cannot do something, and not to try and justify why you can’t!
I still have situations where I take things on, but am more in control now, it is not easy.
It was always in my childhood and upbringing and got ingrained, this made me a vulnerable person pleaser.

You say they're excuses I say they are explanations for how this situation arose. Your responses to my posts say a lot about you. I'm not surprised at what has happened.

And why do you suggest I say Im ill just to get others to do their share.

They should do their share regardless.

And why is it my job (according to you) to "communicate" to others that they should pull their weight? That is a job in itself. And I don't want it. Ever hear of the "mental load"?

By the way how have I "taught" the takers in life who are older than me and were dumping on people before I was born?

Jane you either haven't read my posts, or are determined to superimpose your excuses ill-fitting justifications on them regardless.....

It's the end result of you always doing it for years and years. It's a two way thing. You've literally taught the others that you do it all and have done for years then you have just decided not to any more and got cross at their confusion.
I don't mean to be unkind but that's my reading of the situation. The only way things can improve is by much clearer communication ie 'No you may not use my house.' And 'It's your party, you organise it' etc. You could have stated clearly that you are unwell and could not be counted on to take any part in it. Too late now of course but try to be clearer in future.

Oh and while I remained hopeful that "orgsniser" or dasher or someone would think of glassware and plates/cutlery etc (paper or otherwise) I had a sinking feeling they wouldnt. So I had my spares washed and on standby, but not out and ready. I had agreed to have my space used but had been clear that it was conditional on them doing the organising/hosting/catering.

The dasher turned up with bags of just food asking ME (not "orgsniser", who BTW got thanked profusely for their "organising" and is still milking it) where the serving dishes were...

So NEXT time I WILL be bossy! And will have to spell it out to them "AND.YOU.CAN.BRING.PLATES, AND TELL Y TO BRING DEVORATIONS"
But I wish I didnt have to. They force me to "manage" them.

And THATS what happens if I leave them to it...

Oh and M&S dasher still thinks that I owe them 50% of what they spent. And speaks of it as if they did ME a favour.

Me.

Not the "organiser" or any other family member.

Its fine for everyone else to turn up having contributed nothing.
My house & garden was used. Nobody offered to stay and clear up. But Im the one vilified for not paying for the catering.

Bossy? The people who get dumped on have to become firm with their boundaries or else the demands become ridiculous.

P.s. when I was told it would be at mine, I said okay, use the space, but on the condition you get it catered.

No catering was arranged. "Organiser" pretended that I had offered to cater and was now letting everyone down. They knew very well it was their job we had several conversations about it, they just lost enthusiasm half way through the organising and decided to shirk it back to me.

Still refused to swoop in and fix their mess. Ended up with one of them doing a dash to M&S and now people are still in a huff about it (with me!!)

If you don't, then just don't and see what happens.
I know what happens
I get multiple phone calls from all angles asking me "what's happening"
I get people assuming I'm "in a mood" and "being difficult" just because I haven't actively arranged things.
If someone does decide that they want to organise it, they try to deligate 90% of it back to me (e.g. said 80th - I refused to take the lead (and have people who refused to help organise it complain about the venue/distance etc as usual). So I left them to it, ended up being decided that it was going to be at my house - fine! Except, the "orhaniser hadnt actually organised anything except for telling everyone to come to mine, expecting an instant "pop up party" that I had never offered to host or cater...then I was told that I would "disappoint everyone" if the party I had never offered to host didnt materialise..
...

Am I really the bossy one? Or are the others actually bossing me into doing everything for them in a passive aggressive way?

If its got to Mum's 80th birthday then it's all gone on too long. One person's 'capable' is another's 'bossy'. Just another way of looking at a situation and the personalities involved. If you want to do something then do it. If you don't, then just don't and see what happens.

Jane10 you say that things dont need "managing" but if the people who are happy to "go along with.." discover that nothing is arranged for mum's 80th etc they dont get the hint and sort something themselves. They get angry at the one they usually leave to manage! And the ones left to manage CAN become "joyless" and frustrated, which you might interpret as "bossy". Guess why?

"My parents were young and lovers and they prioritised this above myself and my Sister."
Not me. But similiar. In my early years I didnt have reliable care/love and had to cope and be my own support system I dont want to be my own support system as well as everyone elses

I think there is a huge difference between being capable and being bossy. I would never impose my will on other people. I ask what people would like, they tell me then they sit back and let me arrange it all.
Only the worm is turning and they will have to learn to be capable for themselves in future.

Looking at this from the other side, it can be very frustrating to have a 'capable' family member. Knowing a person like that who just took over everything and organised everybody irrespective of whether or not they needed 'managing' was hard to take. In the end it was easier to just give in and let her be 'in charge' while we just got on with out own lives.
It's her personality and hasn't changed over her life. She's moved from one person or group to another to find people to boss about.

Wow I have never thought of it like this but my parents were the same. I was an only child but my dad idolised my mum to the exclusion of all else so I never really had that father daughter relationship that so many had.

Mycatisahacker
"My parents were young and lovers and they prioritised this above myself and my Sister."

Oh my goodness - my situation exactly.

There is a French saying, "The children of lovers are orphans."
Oui, c'est vrai

I think as said above as a child you make the choice in a volatile situation. My parents were young and lovers and they
Prioritied this above myself and my
Sister. We are now 55/60 she has checked out. I am left to cope as i did aged 7 trying to get mum and dad together and now mum has altzimers and dad is her cater. Not one fuck has changed. Just me sorting and my ds moved as far as she can do 300 miles.

I think there are people who, very early in life, decide that they are going to look after themselves and will not take on any responsibility, however small, for anything else.
I have noticed this with trivial things in U3A ; making tea, opening up/clearing the room after the meeting, lifts for the infirm etc. When asked directly to help they say charmingly, oh I can't commit because I don't know if I will be available; (grandchildren are a wonderful alibi, taking my wife shopping is another) then place their dirty cup on the sink and sail out.