Need you again

Moving away from Wales and the ties that bind.
I'd be very cautious because you have had so much loss and moving from Wales which you clearly love will be another big loss. As far as I know Wales holds all your memories, good ones too.

The best decision may be the hardest decision.
You are grieving and sometimes a new start can be another burden on a tired mind.

Ask yourself some hard questions particularly about agrophobia and would moving help with it. Would you feel pressured to go out, that wouldn't be good.
Is your agrophobia caused by your surroundings and would it go away if you move? That would be wonderful.

Also there is the bridge. Do you want to be as far away as possible from it? It is the last place your daughter was on the earth, are you able to leave your ties to it although horrific?

I don't quite know how to put this , sometimes familiar surroundings are a safe place to be even if the memories are of tragic events. Be very careful, you have to be sure that you can leave behind the places that were familiar to you and your late daughter and indeed your whole life.

A new start is hard you may leave and feel that nothing can match Wales and you miss your old life, bad as it is.

I wish you the best life in the future. This may be a way forward for you, I really hope so.
I'm saying think carefully about the new life, be sure that it is worth more than what you would leave behind.

So many lovely suggestions and really good points here already.

I love the Happiyogi "Choose Life"

After all your great sadness and pain it is understandable that you may be finding it difficult to envision having such a different future to your past and to your present. But what a loving, caring offer from your DD.

You present situations, due to the sad circumstances "seems" (I stress seems) to have put you in a situation where one moment your home is a sanctuary and the next moment it is your prison. If that is anywhere near close to how your days are in your present home may be this move is what you need.

And as others have said you lost your DD and your younger DD lost her sister.

Your DGC know where you are, where you will be if you move. Wherever you are you will be there for them and they already know that your Love and Support is theirs and geography won't change that.

You have done a wonderful job of supporting them to the point where they are making their way in the world.

You know well the sad/happy mix of feelings seeing them go and build their futures.

It would seem now is the time for you to deal with the sad/happy mix of feelings as you look to your future.

Trust in your deepest self, you have the answer. May you find your way through.

Wishing you the best possible outcome Annie

My instinct is that as time goes in you will gain so much from being near your daughter annie. Your grandchildren are independent, they will visit and you can still support them remotely. Wales will stay in your heart, in the core of your being. Nothing will take that away. Talk to your daughter and explain you need to think it through. I believe that in your position I would try to go, but you must go with your heart. Take your time, perhaps try to think what you will gain rather than lose. Sending love and a hug.

as the young uns say " its a no brainer".Anyhow , you already know that.

Your promise to your very dear daughter has been met - talk to your GC, talk about your promise and I think you will find that this is what they think.

Seize the chance of a precious new closer relationship with your younger DD. You have both been bereaved - you need each other. Your health will improve because she will be there to keep you well fed, you will have someone to go out with to help you deal with your agoraphobia - it is a win-win; and something that you can do for your DD to give her some peace of mind.

Wales in in your heart - just as the sea is in mind even though I am about as land-locked as you can get in the UK.

Good luck!

...is in......

...in mine......

Sorry - all thumbs this evening!

Annie Something to bear in mind, perhaps, is that your DGCs may move to anywhere in the world in the future because of jobs or just changing circumstances. Would you prefer to be in your present home or living near your DD should that happen?

I think what I'm trying to say (rather ineptly) is, it's time to do what you feel you'd like to do.

I used to work for an organisation, which specialised in housing the elderly, and it was always upsetting, for applicants and us, when the applicants had acted in the best interests of their children/grandchildren and then realised that it wasn't the best decision after all.

As others have said, it's not your physical presence that they need so much now. They know that you're there for them wherever you and they are.

Staying put may be the right thing, but if that's what you decide, make sure it's for you!

I agree with most others on here Annie if your DD would like you to move close to her, then do it, a chance for a happier life and the knowledge that she will be able to help you when needed.As Lincolnshire is flat, going out on Fred would be easier too.Your DGC will visit you when they are able to, and you can keep in contact in other ways.
Regard it as a new phase in your life which you need.
Write out a list of pro’s and cons if you are undecided, but this move could be just what you need.

I’d be off like a shot, near to your daughter and in a beautiful part of England.

I was going to say I don't know.

But perhaps you should - you can always carry Wales with you in your heart.
Take some Welsh soil and plant some Welsh daffodils

Annie, I think your daughter’s offer is lovely. I’ve read on here how much you enjoy her visits, so being close to her would beg treat for both of you. You will still have your independence, but have your lovely daughter close by. You can perhaps then move on- join a congregation, make new friends, get out on Fred. Your grandchildren will still visit, and you can keep in touch by phone and Skype.

My reasons for refusing were I promised my elder daughter I would look after her children
They are grown up now and they will want the best for you.

You will always be the mother of two daughters and the younger one wants you near so that she can care for you - it's time you were looked after too.

Anniebach I have read before where you have said that you don't have anything close to where you live now, so if you were to move would you have better access to the things you want or need?
Your Grandchildren have their own lives and you will always be their Granny wherever you live. I'm sure they would wish you well and be happy for you, as your elder Daughter would be too.
Good luck to you whatever you decide. I know what I'd be doing and it wouldn't be staying put!

My instinct is to ask if you want to live in Lincolnshire.
My neighbour is 88, both her sons live a good distance away, but she has no desire to live near either of them because she's happy with her friends and social life in our village. She doesn't drive and the bus service is very limited but we all help each other.
My DS lives 5 hours away, but at least it's a straightforward drive up/down the A1. He's talked about moving to Essex, a more difficult journey, and I've told him I don't want to end my days there, although I know there are some lovely places in Essex. So he'll just have to travel.
So my advice is to think through all the pros and cons - and you can only make the decision that seems the best one at the time.
I wish you happiness, whatever you decide.

And your younger daughter loves and cares so much because of what you put into her upbringing.

Anniebach

Mae fy meddyliau gyda chi Annie bach.

At the moment, you don't really have a choice though, do you Anniebach? Are you able to get help for your agoraphobia? Even if you could make the journey, do you think you would cope when you arrive at your destination in Lincolnshire? Please get some professional help. If you can start to feel less frightened of panic attacks when you leave your house, you will then be able to seriously consider your options.

Diolch yn fawr iawn BradfordLass

NanaMacGeek , I have started therapy ,it’s strange how it works , doesn’t concentrate on changing thinking in the now or the future , it’s changing thinking from the past , and it brings memories one doesn’t know one has, if that makes sense . My daughter said they would start looking and I wouldn’t have to move until I started to go out, if I wanted to move whilst still phobic she will hire a car with dark windows and a psychiatric nurse to accompany me and stay with me for a few days . This is why I need help here, help to think it through.

You are all so kind x

I think I would try a visit or two before committing.
Its all true; it could be absolutely great, and lovely for both you and your daughter to spend time together.
You'd be looked after, I know.
You just have to be really, really sure.

Wishing you a peaceful night Annie x

Annie, all my instincts are saying that you should make the move and I'm convinced that, in your shoes, I would do so. However, I acknowledge that I am not in your shoes so I can't see the situation through your eyes (Sorry. Too many physiological metaphors here).

Your younger daughter is clearly a lovely, caring person and this would give you such a great opportunity to bond and be friends as well as mother/daughter. Perhaps, with her close by, you may even find the courage to venture out again and explore your new world. But, one day at a time ...

Lincolnshire is a beautiful county. You haven't said which part of it you're looking at and, while the southern, fenland area around Spalding, Holbeach, Boston is very flat, it has it's own charms. Further north, we have miles of lovely, rolling countryside and beautiful towns - Stamford, Louth, Alford are a delight and there are dozens of pretty villages hidden away. I admit that, as a Yellerbelly, I'm prejudiced. I had 40+ very happy years in Essex but returning to Lincolnshire was one of the best things we've ever done. Even my dyed-in-the-wool Essex Man OH agrees.

Only you can decide but, as someone else has said, the grandchildren have grown; you kept your promise to your elder daughter and have nothing to reproach yourself with. Time to look after YOU, now. We only get one go-round so carpe diem. (((Hugs))) to you.

PS. Just an afterthought. We got a highly strung, ageing and easily spookable cat up the motorway from Essex in the back of an overstuffed car with negligible ill-effects. She's always been a fairly hysterical traveller but with careful planning and preparation, we kept her calm and didn't need to resort to the vet's offer of tranquilizers. I'm not suggesting you need a vet(!) but I'm certain your journey from Wales could be planned and managed to minimise distress when the time comes.

I've only just spotted this thread.

Go for it, Annie. An adventure beckons.