Betrayed

You can do it patricia one step, one minute, one day at a time. It’s surprising that the unbearable can be born, especially when supporting our family. You’ll find the strength and words to support them. If you can find a friend who can support you while you support them then that will be a great help and of course you can share your feeling here. I find letting my feeling out is better than putting a brave face on things. I just find if I suppress my feelings they fester and that impinges on my ability to support my family.
Best wishes I’m sure with your help your family will find a way of coping

You never know how strong you can be until you have to be ‘the glue’. You can do it as morethan said. Even starting this thread shows you have great coping skills and you know how to reach out and talk to others.

When my toddler grandson died, I had to be ‘the glue’ too as everyone else was falling apart. You will find an inner strength and just when you think it’s all too much, somehow, from somewhere you find more.

Remeber that song ‘There’s something inside so strong’?

You might find it helps to write down your feelings or perhaps listen to music. I found both these helped when ‘the night was too dark and the road too long’.

Hang on in there Patricia

Sending you my best wishes.

Anja - what a lovely post.

Well said. Having been the family glue for many years I know it can be done. It is often exhausting but bolstering others with encouragement, positivity and yes, physical effort can be done. It becomes a way of life.

I am so sorry to hear your story patricia. Your son and his children have been through a very rough patch.

For me, the song was "He's not heavy, he's my brother" even though in my case the weight was that of my dear children. The sentiment was the same.

It truly is a labour of love to be the anchor - or the rock - and you do have to put your own needs and desires on hold, but you must make sure you take care of yourself too. I found the physical and mental effort of being there and being supportive to keep it all together was actually easier to bear than the constant heartache I felt because they'd had such a rough deal and were hurting.

You can do it - because like most of us, there is no choice and you care. Best wises.

Did he really have the best advice at the separation stage? Could that be revisited?
Is he entitled to any benefits? Not quite a benefit but if the children are under 18 he might claim 25% council tax discount. Would downsizing be an option?

I realise this may only be scratching the surface financially but may provide that bit extra which would get the counselling started sooner.
It is so distressing for everyone but, having been in a similar situation, I know that this mustn't be seen as one huge insurmountable difficulty but rather a series of problems which should be tackled one by one e.g. review advice then look at any financial help available. Investigate cost of counselling.
Step by step and as calmly as possible.
I wish you and your family well and believe you'll find the strength you need but do please keep your own health in mind.
Many years on, my family is fine and the awful stress is just an unpleasant memory.

Your DS is very fortunate to have such a supportive mum. Glad the children have stayed with him. Do they still see their mum? Keep up the good work. I agree a good friend who you can talk to confidentially would be a great help.

I'm glad to hear that the children stayed with him. My son also has his children with him, their mother isn't interested at all any more. With me as "the glue" he is doing really well.

My son got his daughter some psychiatric help when she felt abandoned by her mother - this was and is very helpful. I'd certainly recommend such intervention. Both children are now doing really well. Best wishes to you and your son.

Do not forget to take care of yourself.

Yes your family needs you and are extremely fortunate to have you. I am sure they appreciate everything that you are doing to support them through these troubled weeks ahead.

Take time out to relax and do something to keep you on track and calm and healthy as possible.

Sending hugs ?

That's a lovely supportive post Stella1949, and from everyone else. Heart goes out to you and your family Patricia65. Like everyone else I believe in you and that all will be well in the end. You can definitely do it!

You sound as if you have been really strong so far, one thing at a time. Any chance of getting your GD's counselling bought forward? Look after yourself and every good wish.

Hope your son has had good legal advice re their joint assets, maintenance payments for the kids etc We do absorb our family’s pain that’s a fact, so you must look after yourself as well as others. Just be there and do as much as you can, whether its practical help with cooking, cleaning or shopping etc And def with emotional support and talking things through. It is frustrating that you have to wait so long for counselling but there are lots of self help on line sites that are worth reading thro in the interim period. You will get thro this bad time together with love and support from each other ?

We went through a very similar experience several years ago. It almost broke my son. It was a time that was agony for us all to live through. His son was also badly affected and needed therapy,

On the possitive side, it brought us all very close together as a family and I think the suppport he got from us and his siblings pulled him through. About 5 years after the split met a wonderful lady who has been by his side for the last 10 years. Her outside perspective, love, support and knowledge of the law has made a big difference to his life. Since he has been with her, he has been truly happy,

I wish you all strength to get through this.

Patricia 65 ...I'm going through the same situation with my daughter's family.... she has a 'new partner' ...and after two years of trying to keep their family home together, they are splitting up. My daughter is in the process of getting her own mortgage arranged to buy her own place. I love my SIL and promised his mum before she died I'd do my utmost to make him a true part of my family. I hate to see him in turmoil... although he is not 'an innocent' in this breakdown.At the moment I get the kids ready for school three times a week and then pick them up so I see a lot of them. I have to hold it together for the kids sake ( 5 and 10 ). The eldest has gotten very clingy with me and the youngest is very surly... I know that it will be better for them all if they make it final but the struggle to listen to one of them and then the other without criticising is quite unnerving. I do think at the moment I am the glue...especially with he physical housework stuff which seems to be sliding as they disintegrate. If all I can offer is bringing in some shopping ...making sure the kids are ready for school...and doing a bit of washing and cleaning...then I'll keep doing it! Only yesterday when I told my daughter that I'd bought the youngest two new pairs of trousers for school ( as I'd noticed the old ones were way too short for winter) she nearly started crying. I know her heads all over the place just like your family is...so k
Just keep your head down... listen...don't criticise ... Åland like me just hope that twelve months from now things just might be better. Squeeze that glue tube til it's dry!

You are doing what needs to be done, no one can ask or expect anything more. We would like the lives our children choose to lead to be perfect, but at the end of the day they have to live with their actions, no matter what we may think. I think that it is essential to be non-judgemental and make sure that you try to keep some sort of relationship going with both sides. You will all get through this difficult time.

This happened to me ten years ago and my sons mental health has never recovered. However, grandson seems Ok and I see him regularly, he lives with his mother now, originally he lived with me and then his father. I had plenty of counselling to help me support everyone appropriately and feel that I was that glue and grateful that I could be. My family has indeed been fragmented but I am managing to stay calm and in touch with everyone even though they do not interact with each other.

Anja my DD had NHS counselling which she said was v good, but long wait and only for 6 weeks. Is there any chance you could fund private counselling?

If my son's situation is anything to go by, then a few months' down the line you may find he is actually happier than he was with the situation and suspicion happening while she was there. Despite mine being taken to the cleaners financially, and having had no settled home for months, he is still happier than he was at the beginning of 2018. I hope your support helps through this present difficult time.

I have little advice except to be as neutral as possible wherever you can and encourage your son to be the same, putting his children's interests first wherever he can. In these situations where there is a lot of hurt and a feeling of betrayal, it is too easy for to "take sides" and forget about what is more important.
My SIL's mother left the family home and he has been very badly affected, particularly as his father died a few years later. The relationship with his mother is very rocky and I can't help feeling that some counselling when it happened might have helped him enormously. For your GD, hopefully her counselling will be better late than never. A big virtual hug for you who must be feeling bad for 2 generations of your family but with little control to resolve it. Just being there will be a big help to them.

Patricia I think the advice to stay neutral is spot on. We have been through the same, faults in both my son and daughter in law contributed to the break up. My son has mental health problems and needs lots of family support. It’s a very difficult situation for you and I send you and your family my best wishes.

Why isn't the mother paying towards child support? Surely, the system has to work both ways.

All I can say after going through the same thing a few years back is things are never as bad as they seem. His income was a massive loss but I'm actually better off financially than when he was here. I've not downsized and still I'm better off, I live on my private pensions, don't yet receive my state pension, I had to pay him a large settlement and couldn't believe I'd survive but I did and so will they.

Patricia, this happened to our son 23 years ago. Although at the time it is devastating for all concerned I promise you it will get better. He has been very happily married for the second time for 20 years and has three beautiful children from this marriage. I will message you. XX

I don't know if it helps to know others are in a similar situation. Over the past few years my daughter endured five miscarriages. Things turned for the better when she gave birth to a lovely baby boy. Just before Christmas she found out her husband has been on dating sites and was seeing another woman. She made him leave straight away. He moved into the other woman's home and shares it with her children. The devastation has rippled all through the family. We thought of our son in law as a son. Now it's all fallen apart.

I can understand why you feel drained patricia65 - you have so much going on!

Try and deal with one thing at a time and not attempt to solve everything in one go. You need time to think, and time to yourself also, but I know it's near impossible to switch off.

As mothers, we tend to be the 'glue' in families and it might be a bit of a burden at times, but just being there for them is a battle half won.

I wish you and your family all the best, with you beside them they'll come through it. xx