What do I do?

I can only repeat much of which has been said here. Sad anniversaries are very difficult and the first one even more so. I always sit and think awhile of my DH on 13th December (not all day) and try to remember the good times. Then I get on with my usual routine which is what he would have wanted. Luckily he had a good death and it helps to remember that he is no longer suffering. to all those grieving. It gets better over time.

Perhaps going somewhere with family member where you don't need to talk, eg cinema might take your mind off things for a few hours if a distraction is what you want.

Only you can decide how you want to spend the day. Everyone is different. But please don't spend it under a duvet. If you decide to spend it with family, don't worry about being bad company. If they are your children, then presumably they will also be feeling extremely sad. And it can help to be together to talk about your loved ones. Light a candle. Maybe go through some old photos. And have a good cry. And maybe an occasional laugh at happy memories. Wishing you peace at a difficult time.

Granddama70s I'm much the same ,I dont visit graveyards or lay flowers at the Garden of Remembrance,not because I dont remember them just that I dont believe they are in those places.
The essence of them went when they closed their eyes for the last time.I always know when an anniversary is coming up without looking at the date I can feel it inside but I dont talk about it or make other people aware of it.
We all grieve differently though and I have no issues with people who do visit the cemetary on special days though I do have problems with the FB posts to Mum in Heaven or Happy Heavenly birthday .polkasue do the day the way you are comfortable with ,tell your family you need to be alone with your thoughts and try to make the happy thoughts about the good days .Like the rest of us you'll get past this first and it will get easier in future .

I was abroad when my mum died aged 76, in a hospice. She'd had 3 ops and treatment to try and stop her bowel cancer killing her. In the end, she told staff that enough was enough and her life ended in a convalescent home, frightened and alone as she determindly refused visits.
I called one evening to be told she had been cremated two days earlier but wanted no family to be told. I can't be sad as she had no life since dad died when they were both 45. 'When you've had the best, nothing else will ever do', was what she used to say. They are together now and I remember them almost every day, sometimes even saying out loud 'love you mum/dad' in the privacy of my home. I had a wonderful childhood and thank them silently.

See how it goes. On the first New Year's Eve I dutifully accompanied neighbours to the pub, then chose to leave at 11.45 and get on with filling the washing machine, so I could be left to my own thoughts. Just try and get through the day

Do exactly what you want

Go somewhere different that has no memories of loved ones.

Just do whatever feels right, in your heart. Never mind what convention says you ought to do, what friends and family suggest you could/should do. Everyone grieves differently, everyone celebrates these anniversaries differently. Often it's because they have been made to feel guilty if they didn't mark the occasion in some way. Forget guilt. Forget conventions. Ignore others. Just do what to you feels right. It's your life after all. Do you feel the need to go somewhere that you and your husband enjoyed on days out perhaps? For me, on my late husbands birthday, I sit in the summerhouse, sometimes playing a favourite piece of music, and just think of the remarkable way we met, the whirlwind romance, his smile, his face. We were in our twenties and had only a few years together before he died suddenly over 40 years ago. For all the pain I felt, I wouldn't have changed it for a moment. But just those few precious moments on the anniversary of his death, telling him there is a special place in my heart where he still lives on, are important to me. I remember him on his birthday too. The date of his death sometimes escapes me, so his birthday is the one I never forget. I hope you find the answer.

ditsyme

The build up and anticipating is the hardest. You will find it a relief when the day comes. Wear something new and remember to keep your shoulders back and your chin high. I was a very young widow and my dear dad told me cry if you need to but the rest of the time try to smile. It became manageable.

Like Polkasue I’ve been struggling as to what to do on the 1st anniversary of DHs death this month. At the moment every day brings memories of last year and I’m dreading the actual day but reading some of the posts on here help as they did last year when I felt so alone. Thank you specially Phoenix and maw for the advice. (((Hugs))) for everyone suffering a loss

My eldest son Iain passed away on February 14th 1977 aged 10. I still feel his loss, we loved him so. My husband always buys me flowers especially on that day. - for Valentines' Day or anniversary - I don't ask. I just accept them with thanks. Grieving is a lifelong process and each person grieves in their own way. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you so much to you all for responding to my post. It really has helped. xxx

My sister in law planted a tree at the exact time of her husbands death. This gave her something to focus on, time to reflect and something to watch every year.

As it’s the first anniversary and not being in your position, yet, I think I would like to be on my own possibly going to his grave or crematorium and have a chat with him. Sorry if this comes over as morbid.

Do what you want to do, it doesn't mattrr what others think or what others think you should do. On the 1st anniversary of my husband's death I went to Blackpool with my daughters (not his children but he had brought them up) and 2 grandchildren. It was a place he loved and we'd had many happy family days out there, but it was where I wanted to go and was happy for my daughters to accompany me. We were able to sit, chat, reminisce about all the silly things that had happened over the years and we all actually enjoyed the day.

If it was me I would opt for a pamper day, massages etc and spoil myself ....

Such a painful time for you - my heart goes out to you. Do whatever you feel you need to cope with it. You do not think you will get through it but you will, as hard as it is. Then open a bottle of bubbly and say "Thank you" for the love you had from them both.

Camelotclub, you made me smile somewhat benignly because that's exactly what I did. I just felt I needed to be somewhere 'alive' with people I didn't know. I ended up in a large bingo hall. Hadn't a clue of the procedure or anything but obviously muddled through. I have no detailed recollection whatsoever. I eventually managed home to find one of my sons siting with a red rose in his hand and saying 'I didn't know what to do'. We shared a lovely time together commiserating and ultimately having a laugh. His Dad would have been very proud of him and pretty bemused by me. It's a long time now but I still miss him so very much. Ah me.......

I have a friend who lost her DH a while ago and last year she got a tiny tattoo of a feather inside her wrist in his memory

I'm with Grandma70s as I too ignore anniversaries ... it's just a day, same as the one before it and the one after it. I really hardly give them a passing thought. They are not important to me; it is the memory of the person that I treasure and that is the same every day of the year.