What do I do?

Don't feel you have to "move on", do whatever you want to.

Being "respectful" (whatever that is) isn't compulsory either.

Go for a walk in the woods, along a beach, shout into the wind, curse, cry, whatever. Watch a film that meant something to you and your dh, play a song that you both loved and sing along out of tune, loudly!

Remember them, think of why you loved them, but don't make them into saints, also remember their foibles, the things that drove you mad!

Sorry if this isn't quite what you wanted, but as I approach the 10th anniversary of losing my son from suicide at the age of 19, perhaps my ways of dealing with things are a bit further on than those of someone coming to a significant date for the first time.

Sending you every good wish.

You just have to get through it, and you will.

Do whatever works for you there is no respectful or disrespectful way to let that 24hrs pass

Phoenix you have said it all.
There is no “ought”
There is no compulsion to “move on”
Grief is not something to be got through, but lived with.
I found the weeks before the (first ) anniversary of Paw’s death earlier this month very very hard.
But somehow a weight has lifted off my shoulders and despite tears I am finding I am better able to live with the life I have, not the one I had.
Thinking of you

Firsts are always hard. I told people I wanted to be alone on the first anniversary of DHs death. I spent the day thinking of him, remembering of all the wonderful times we had together, lots of tears but feeling he was still watching over me. Someone once told me that the feeling of loss doesn't go away, you just learn to carry it better. Do whatever feels right for you - there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Thinking of you

I let the first anniversary pass without doing anything, particularly.
Every single day is incredibly painful, so I didn't want to focus on the most painful and traumatic one of all, and potentially set a precedent for all the following years.

I hope you can have peaceful days.

Well said Phoenix x

For Polkasue and all those who have and are grieving

Polkasue, on the first anniversary of our Mums death (20 months ago) myself, my sister and my daughter wanted to be together, ironically we ended up in a restaurant which was one of the last ones we all went to a couple of months before she died. Half way through we started laughing as we remembered that Mum had complained about everything she had (tried) eaten there!!!

We talked till our throats were sore it was very cathartic, and we decided that we would celebrate her birthday in future not the day she died.

I appreciate losing a parent is not the same as losing your husband, what I am trying to say is you must grieve in a way that suits you, it is your grief. Please do not feel guilty whatever you do. ??

Just sending love and (((hugs)))

Brilliant post from Phoenix putting into words (much better than I could) exactly what I was thinking .

Just do whatever you feel is right for you on the day Polskasue

Phoenix and Maw have said it all Polskasue I can't add anything except to say
I am thinking of you

Don't think I can add much. So many anniversarys bring back the memories, not just birthdays and Christmas but other days when we remember what we did on that day in previous years. When I go to places we went together, when I listen to music............

Good advice already given. I can't add to it really. I agree with the posters who have said that there is no correct way to grieve, no "oughts", no special way of being respectful. How we deal with grief is different for all of us. Just do what you want to do, how you want to do it. Take care. ?

Polkasue for you and as the previous posts have said, there is no right or wrong way. You will find your own way of coping. Phoenix and Maw said it all. Gentle hugs to you all having had losses .

Polkasue
There's no set way for grieving. Just go with the flow. It's difficult and painful especially in the early days. Two steps forward, one back. I find being busy and distracted helps me get through the day.
I too have a bad few weeks at this time of the year. DH's birthday last week, tomorrow would have been our 45th wedding anniversary, then Christmas and finally the anniversary of his death. Bit like buses, it all comes along at once!

If you don’t want company then tell your friends and family you’d prefer to be alone, but you’d welcome them the following perhaps.

Then you decide what you want to do, or not do ❣️

phoenix that advice is lovely and spot on .

Perhaps buy a bouquet of lovely flowers to mark the day. Remember happy times you shared. xx

Polskasue, we`ve just passed the 2nd anniversary of my husband`s death. On each one we have had a family get together for a meal out, it`s a rare occasion that my lot are all together in one place. We also do the same on his birthday.

I may be alone in this, it seems, but I ignore anniversaries. I may be aware a particular day is an anniversary of something important in my life, but that’s as far as it goes. After all, our feelings will be no different the day before or the day after.

Sit quietly and just think honestly about what you really want to do! Forget about being respectful, worrying about what anyone thinks or whatever! Just do what you want to do. If it is connected to your DH or father in some way so be it! If not, well it doesn't matter ...this is about you, your needs and your life now

This thread demonstrates two things very clearly: Firstly, you are not alone, there are others on here who have a first-hand understanding of bereavement and can offer an informed perspective.

Secondly, as you can again see quite clearly from the responses of others, there is no 'right' or 'proper' way to deal with grief - just do what you feel is right on the day.

and (((hugs))) to all who are missing someone special just now.

Just be at peace with your thoughts. Find a quiet place near a river and watch the water moving....

Christmas can be such a sad time with December being such a happy family time. I had a big op in the 15 dec 12 years ago and always remember the days leading upto it and after. Long time ago but memories do come back. I wish you peace and love with whatever you do.