Pressure on the very elderly to move house

But it also means the rest of us have to run round after them.

Actually, you don't have to, Izabella.

My mother aged 94 is sadly living out her last years in a miserable state in her own home because she wouldnt contemplate moving after my dad died when she was in her early 80s. Then she was fit enough to manage the huge garden and happy with dated bathroom, kitchen and so on. She was determined to live forever. Fast forward only a few years, and she deteriorated and eventually became immobile after a serious fall down the stairs out of her stairlift. She is now confined to one room and can do nothing for herself. She has (inadequate) carers four times a day and and a huge family input to maintain her, the house and garden. Would I expect this of my children or should I try and plan ahead??

Barmeyoldbat I have known that to happen with other elderly people.

What we were suggesting with our elderly relatives was moving within their neighbourhood to somewhere more manageable on one level - so they didn't have to change GP surgery, dentist, etc could still see friends and visit their usual neighbourhood shops.

Oh and leave their door open and be ripped off by anybody who cares to.

Let me introduce you to a word anybody in this position needs to learn " capacity"

If the older people are deemed to have capacity , there is precious little anybody can do.
So you sit back and watch them deteriorate, make poor choices, fall, stop eating and so on.

The last sentence from agnurseis right. People are entitled to make their own decisions even if we do not think they are right or it leaves them vulnerable. I can see both viewpoints here though, the family want to care for them and have them close and they are only acting in their parents best interests as they see it.
In this case and everyone's circumstances are different I would let the status quo remain. The elderly couple are managing and happy with some support from the poster.
I think EllenVannin your hopes of a team of people to care for the couple is quite optimistic.

Yes they are happy and that's wonderful but do they have a safety net? Are there good Care agencies with spaces or are there private carers in the area?
Because it can turn on a sixpence.

As Barmeyoldbat (what a great name ) has pointed out - supposing the daughter and her family want to move ?

I can fully see that in some cases a move is to be encouraged, but this particular couple seem to be coping very well.

Very importantly - they are happy where they are.

I can see both sides of it. The couple want to keep their own home because that's where their memories are. It is true that a sudden move can precipitate problems in an older person, acute delirium being the most common.

However, I think it's reasonable for the daughter to suggest that they may want to consider the future. I'm NOT saying she has the right to say they MUST move. But she could approach it in a gentle way, saying, "You know, I'm wondering if you have made any plans for what will happen if there's a point where you can't stay at home anymore." I think it's important to have these discussions because if they become unable to make their own decisions, their daughter is likely the one who will have to do it. It's important to know what they would want in such a scenario. A family friend is 100 years old and lives in a lodge. She's still very functional, but she was living on a rather remote farm alone. (She's been widowed for a number of years.) Her sons said to her, "You know, Mom, our concern is that your farm is pretty remote and we're worried that if there's a problem you'd have a hard time getting help in an emergency. We'd be more comfortable if you moved into the lodge in town just so we know there's help available." (Keep in mind we are in Canada and the area where she lives is known for long, hard winters with lots of snow.) She moved into a lodge in a nearby community and has many friends there.

One option that they could consider (to minimize the number of moves) is to see if there is an "aging in place" facility in their area. These facilities are designed as "communities" that offer various levels of care, all in one location. The most common setup is that they will have some areas that are lower-care and some that are higher-care, but there are facilities that have an "integrated" model, where people of different care needs live in the same area. My grandmother lives in a facility with an integrated model - she has dementia and can't live at home anymore.

At the end of the day, though, they have a right to live at risk if that's what they want to do.

My MiL was 'sensible'. At 67, 2 years a widow she sold her (small) semi and moved from the town her family had lived in for generations and she had never left and moved to be near her only child (DH) in a big town 60 miles away, leaving all her other friends and family behind. Travelling back to her old home was difficult as there were no direct transport links.

We loved having her less than half a mile away, saw her almost daily and she seemed happy, but after 18 months she suddenly became ill, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died a few weeks later, aged only 69. She had previously been very healthy.

There is no proof that the move and upheaval caused her cancer but we would have preferred her to stay where she was, surrounded by familiar friends and family, with us visiting every week or so and feel she would have been with us much longer if she hadn't moved. She was the one worried about the distance, not us, and initiated the move.

And what happens if the daughter moves a few years down the line?

gmelon that's so very sad and this sort of sadness must happen to many in times such as that.

I sold up a number of years ago because of the financial implications involving living in a Grade II listed villa which would have bled me dry maintaining it to the standard expected, plus the rates back in the late 90's were hovering on the £2,000 a year mark.
I was then able to help my daughters and at the age of 65 I applied for an "assisted flat ". It's a lovely home that I have and is linked to the emergency services should I need them. A support officer visits twice a week so the rest of my life is taken care of. Family are near enough too so I count myself lucky.

Yes initially I was devastated and had to sell and get rid of a lot of stuff from the 3 floor house but I've still managed to hang on to a few bits and pieces that don't take up too much room here. Thank goodness I moved when I did because a move now would kill me. In fact I probably would have ended up like some poor soul with the place falling down around my ears.

Sounds so familiar Witzend

As for expecting others to run around after them, Izabella, dh's old aunt expected a friend who lived a 20 minute drive away - and was still working - to come and fill her 2 hot water bottles every night! She was very miffed when after a while the friend said, sorry, she really couldn't do it any more.

Dh had offered to get her an electric blanket - no, she didn't hold with those things.

The couple sound as if they are alright.
From the subsequent post it seems they are well set up in most ways.
Why rock the boat just yet.
At the age of ninety my grandmother decided she would leave her home of fifty years and move from London to Cornwall .
It was at the behest of a relative who quite fancied living in a beautiful bungalow down there.
My Grandmother did not make it. With her house packed into boxes around her she died a day before the move.

But you can take your memories with you. A house is bricks and mortar. Being sentimental about things is preventing several of my friends from moving into somewhere they can manage. They constantly grumble, but do nothing about changing things, which I realise is their choice. But it also means the rest of us have to run round after them.

FWIW I have a friend whose parents have used the Homeshare scheme very successfully, with a lodger in the basement flat; during her time there, the husband has died, and she has provided continuity and support for the mother.

It is very sad and an immense worry to have parents or a parent in their home without adequate support. Things happen which alter the scenario very quickly.

From what you've said Witzend I would say they should be allowed to stay where they are.

I am so against older people being coerced/forced out of a home they love, and have lived in for years, provided of course that the home is suitable for their needs in old age.

Even the word I used - 'allowed' is chilling as it implies that so many very elderly are turfed out by grown up offspring who might just be thinking about what is convenient for them.

I hope they have the strength to stand up to the daughter.

I would say that it's an easier decision as a couple but not so on the one left behind with all the memories.

well said Jane. Have those difficult conversations and make decisions while you still can.

My Dad was a GP and often talked about elderly patients who'd left it too late to move to more suitable accommodation for older age. He and Mum made sure to move in their 60s to a good flat with convenient access to all that might be needed. They had many happy years there. They made lots of new friends and had very nice neighbours. It worked so well that we have now made exactly the same move.
I don't mean to be smug. I know we've learned from the difficulties that others have faced. The moral? Don't leave it too late!

I'm not sure that I personally feel comfortable with that arrangement humptydumpty.

It is extremely difficult to find good quality care. There are massive shortages in some areas. I tried to find somebody for my parents and it wasn't a case of what we wanted, but did they have any slots.

It is not a case of people staying in their homes with a kindly team of familiar faces popping in to help.

I have also worked as a carer so I have inside knowledge of the industry, and believe me it is an industry.

I wonder whether your neighbours woulod consider a scheme like Homeshare:

"Homeshare brings together people with spare rooms with people who are happy to chat and lend a hand around the house in return for affordable, sociable accommodation."

homeshareuk.org/

That would put the childerns' minds at rest because someone would be keeping an eye on their welfare.